A very sombre subject

[Coldicote]

My dear Dad died in hospital several years ago, after a long illness. When I called at the hospital the next day a nurse said, "I thought you might have been here". That comment has haunted me ever since. My step-mother (his wife) was very highly strung with problems controlling herself and I felt it best to stay at home with her. She screamed when I broke the news, although it was expected. I can only hope that sedation relieved his suffering. What do others feel about being at the bedside of a dying person? Does being there help that person, or just those sitting aside watching?

[Prudie]

I too left my mother in a coma in hospital after sitting with her for a few hours. As I got into the car I spoke out loud to my dead step-father asking him to come and get her and I got the phone-call as I walked through the door 20 mins later. I know my mum knew me and that I wouldn't want to watch her die, I think she waited till I left. Coldicote everyone is different and there are no wrongs or rights. Your dad will know that you loved him whether you were there at his passing or not and is hopefully watching over you now.x

[ummmm]

Same thing happened to me when my Dad was dying. I stayed at the hospital with him, left for 20mins to get changed and he was dead by the time I got back. I felt really guilty but the nurses kept trying to convince me that he didn't want me there.

Probably the best thing in hindsight......It would have destroyed me if I seen him die....

[sherrardk]

We are all different and there are no rights or wrongs in this situation. My mother died quite suddenly three months ago and I told my family that I would not be there when she did (I saw her the day before she died). My brother, one of my sisters and my father were with her but my youngest sister was persuaded to stay at home (it was for her own good, she would have been hysterical but would not have made that decision for herself). My mother would have said that I was coward for the way I behaved but I did not want to be with her when she died and I am glad that I did not think I HAD to be there. I also refused to be with my grandfather who died six weeks later but I feel that he would have been ok about it.

[welshlibranr]

Oh sherrardk, you're mum would have wanted what was best for you, and your sister, at the end of the day, we come into this world alone, and we go out of it the same way.....................

[sherrardk]

Hi Welsh - I think I would feel awful now if I had been with either of them at the end and they were with lots of other relations who felt better able to cope with it. I also refused to see either of them at the chapel of rest. Might seem very hard/cold to some people but I just couldn't do it.

[Prudie]

Sherrardk I am absolutely with you on that. I would not see my mother in the chapel of rest either even though the rest of my family thought it was the 'done' thing to do. My memories of her are now not clouded by such sights.I certainly wouldn't want people to visit me after I'd gone - but we're all different.

[Mctavish]

My daughter and I sat with my husband right to the end each of us holding his hand. he just gave a big sigh and then he was gone. We were so glad we were able to be there with him. I don't know if he knew we were there because he was heavily sedated. Don't feel guilty about what the nurse said and you were in the right place to be with your stepmum and help her at the time when she most needed it.

[Coldicote]

I seem to have touched on a deeply upsetting subject for many people. Perhaps it helps a little to know that we share each others feelings in many ways - I hope so.

[Woody23]

Thank you for taking the time to post this Coldicote. My parents are both still here, but reading yours, and other's, comments has made me think about how I would deal with this.