Just found out out the other woman

[tinkerbell]

I have just found out that my long term partner has been seening another woman. To cut a long story we were going t hrough a bad patch end of 2008 due to drink and other habits. So he went to Oz to see family and sort himself out. He contact me 3 months later and he return 9 months later tee total. It was like to just met so it was a wonderful time. Upon his return he brought a van to make into a camper van. In January of this year he told me that he was going back to Oz for a 3 months visit to see his father who was poorly. He return in April and our relationship was best ever. He converted his van into a camper and said he was going travelling for 6 weeks before he starts work in July. When he return he cleaned out his van and while i was sorting out his rubbish i found a note from a woman saying thank you for a lovely time and that she will be thinking for him until they next met. I was shocked and betrayed i didn't know what to do but yes i confronted him at first he said it was a joke then he admitted it. He met her the 1st time in Oz and and she knew about me. She had paid for his 2nd trip, the van and the europe trip because she wanted to tour Germany is where she was born she had used her dead brothers money. She is now back in Oz and have told him to end it and he said yes, but i feel that i want to phone her and end it for him so that i know its done. The other thing i can't get over she is 63 and he is 50( and very fussy about how a woman should look) i feel she should know better but all she seems to be doing is throwing money at him and what men is going to say no. He says there is no future in it. What should i do, should i contact her?

[momcj]

oscardoodles sorry i didnt understand that?

[tamborine]

let him 'milk' her; she's hardly a threat at 10k miles away. Give him plenty to spend his new found fortune on.....a new kitchen/swimming pool/gazebo/porsche/opals/yacht etc.

[4getmenot]

Ok if you are not going to get rid of him, then you cant ring this woman, because the moment you decided to stay with him, you decided to forgive and trust him so you should trust he has told her its over.

[grasscarp]

Tinkerbell, if you managed ok without him for nine months you are alright without him in your life at all. My gut feeling is that you would be happier with someone new who you can trust. My husband has not been perfect over the years, but the scale of your partners deceit is much bigger than anything I have found out about. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

[tinkerbell]

I suppose deep down i know what needs to be done but it still doesn't make it any easier after 16 years and he says there was never any furture in it and he will do anything not to loose me

[cazzz1975]

who's to say he wont get involved with a woman who lives locally or someone he works with in the meantime?

[momcj]

But tinkerbell would he have been saying this if you had not found out? i know it is incredibly hard, when you have been with someone you love for long time it sometimes is much more scarey feeling to imagine being alone than to put up with all the faults. i do think sometimes love is blind and i can guarantee after you do make a break in time you will look back and see all the things that were not right in the relationship that you do not see when you are in the relationship! That was quite deep but hope it helps x

[Jemisa]

DUMP 'IM!!!!

[Sqad]

He went to Oz for a year and then back again for three months, surely it was unreasonable of you to expect him to be celibate.

You have two choices:
1) Forgive him.
2) Dump him.All our female posters have given you their advice, now y0u must make up you own mind.

" He says there is no future in it." Do you mean your relationship with him or his relationship with the other woman?

The answer to that question should determine your action

[Ric.ror]

I am with Tamborine - get what you can out of him - he has from you emotionaly for 16 years

[horselady]

This happened to me a long time ago, found a note from another woman, stayed with him 'cos of the children and 30 odd years later I still feel bitter and wish I'd had the courage to go it alone. I know it feels scary, but don't have regrets like me.

[4getmenot]

wow horselady. So I guess the kids are grown up now? Are you still with him?

[merciasounds]

I'm sorry, but I don't see much of a relationship here, he's never with you! Get rid. It might be just the money he likes about this other woman, or she may be exceptional for a woman of her age, but then he still doesn't consider your feelings. Contacting her wouldn't do you any good, you could be saying one thing to her, and he could phone her the next day and say the opposite - then go off again. You can't trust him, and once the trust has gone then it's pointless to carry on, you'll only be wondering if he was going to stay or stray again.

[horselady]

Hi 4get-yep still with him and yes kids grown up now, with children of their own. I just sometimes think of how distraught I was at the time and can still feel that real bitterness that goes with being betrayed.

[tamborine]

most mature successful men are attractive to predatory women; bed him so he hasn't the energy for anyone else :)

[LoftyLottie]

This man has spent an awful long time away from you going backwards and forwards to Oz. He could have sorted his drinking out over here surely. His return for three months to see his sick father could be excused, but then he goes off travelling again for 6 weeks. This seems very odd to me. If he really is sorry and says the relationship over then he should be staying with you and trying to prove he is reliable. Sorry, I think this is a no hoper and he will stray again.

And I agree with jno, not all men can't say no, thank goodness!!