not pleased about being an auntie

[gingerflaps]

hi there, i just found out that im gonna be an auntie and my bro didnt wanna keep it, but i think this girl has got him stuck now because she wants to keep it. but the thing is, is that they r both 22 and r still at uni, she says when its born she's gonna carry on doin her degree and offload the baby to her mum all the time. im sorry but everyone in the family exept my mum n step-dad r against it. i think if she's not prepared to look after the baby like a propper mum should then she shouldnt be havin it. i am also a little bit jelouse coz 2 yrs ago i had a misscarriage so i should be the 1st one to give my mum a grandchild. my bro isnt responsable enuff to have a kid yet, he is in a band and goes all over the country giggin, he doesnt realise he will have to stop. i feel sorry for the child coz its not gonna have a propper mum n dad. sorry to go on bout it but i needed to get it out my system

[kick3m0n]

I'd have to say that in the long term, the baby will probably benefit from having a  mum who completed her university education, so in that respect, I think she is doing the right thing, especially if there's a Granny there to help look after the wee one.  Your 'proper mum' comment will upset a lot of working mothers who have to let granny etc look after their chidl while they work.     Sorry for your own personal loss, but hope you and your family can rally round and support the new mum, dad and baby, rather than feel so negatively about it. Looking after a baby and doing a uni degree will be very, very hard work, and they will all needed your help I'm sure.  It's not the little ones fault that this is how they came into being, and maybe this will be the making of your brother, so you could give them the beneift of the doubt, couldn't you?  Don't feel sorry for the little one (it sounds rather patronising), be the best auntie you can and make sure he/she always has your love and support.

[Lillabet]

No matter what your feelings are try to bear in mind that your Mum and Stepdad are excited about this. Also that the baby will probably want to have a good relationship with her Dad - even is your brother and this girl don't stay together. From what you say about his current lifestyle it does sound as though becoming a Dad is going to be a massive shock to his system. He might well need your love and support. Being less than supportive now could damage that.

As the previous answer said - an awful lot of people have someone other than the parents care for the child at some point, be it a nursery, a childminder or a relative. Doing this does not mean that you aren't a proper mum or dad. Whatever you do try not to tell your brother or his girlfriend that you don't think they'll be proper parents. They must be daunted enough as it is without anyone making it worse.

You said 'this girl has got him stuck' - I think that's really unfair. They are both adults and had equal contraceptive responsibility. I know the ideal is that every pregnancy is planned and fully wanted but we both know that is far from the case. If there are differing views on whether or not to proceed with a pregnancy then the decision has, in my view, to go to the woman. She has to carry the baby and in all likelihood take on the burden of care. Do you think your brother should have had the right to force her to have an abortion? Surely not.

[Lillabet]

OK, so having criticised your views can I now tell you how much sympathy I have for you. A miscarriage is surely a terribly difficult thing to have experienced. In effect it is a bereavement. Have you had help to deal with this? Because it sounds as though you are still grieving this loss. There is support out there - and letting out your negative feelings to someone not involved in the current situation might stop you from venting them towards your brother. I appreciate that you are doing this by posting here also.

As for being the first to give your mum a grandchild - first in this case does not mean winning. There is no competition. Any child you have in the future will be as loved by your mum as this baby. I don't have kids but my brother and sister do - and my parents were equally excited each time. If and when I have children I fully expect exactly the same reaction.

My advice - bite your tongue at home. Try to help where you can. If the baby isn't receiving enough stability then help - be a stable, always loving aunt to whom he / she can turn. If you need to vent your feelings then find a safe way to do it - with your partner, uninvolved friends or a support group that knows what you went through in miscarrying. The news was presumably a shock and you need to adjust to that. Don't say or do anything you might regret later. View spending time with your neice / nephew as practice for when you too become a Mum. Your Mum will be a more practiced Grandma then as well... Take Care and good luck.

[Greenbhoy]

Sorry, but I have to say that they really need to keep it. I would have thought that after your unfortunate incident (really sorry to hear about it) that you would have been against killing an unborn baby just because the family feel they are too immature and it is inconvenient.

[DavidUK]

Let me make sure I understand what you are saying. When you say "didnt wanna keep it" and "she shouldnt be havin it" do you mean have it killed? If so, how can you "feel sorry for the child coz its not gonna have a propper mum n dad" and yet not feel sorry about killing it?

[ursula62]

Greenbhoy and DavidUK. I think you are both being a bit harsh. Ggingerflaps is clearly still grieving for her own lost baby and this situation has confused her.  I am sure that once she has followed the excellent advice given by other ABers she will realise that she had things a bit out of proportion.

Ginger, I had a miscarriage many years ago and I still get sad sometimes when I think of what might have been, but it does get easier, I promise. At first I couldn't even hold babies that colleagues brought into work as it hurt too much. Now, I'm more than happy to babysit for friends and family and can smile when I see other couples with their newborns.

If you can get some help as Lilibet suggests, then it will do you the world of good. If you can't find anyone in the yellow pages, ask the Nurse at your GP for some information, or contact Cruse - I'm sure that they have a support group for people who've lost children as well as for widows and widowers.

[smudge]

Gingerflaps -  I can't really add much else to the more sympathetic posts, exept to say that I do understand how you must be feeing about having had a miscarriage. I know because I've been through it myself, but went on to have our second child. I'm sure one day, that you will have a little family of your own to love & that your sadness will fade into the background.

I can also tell you that as a Grandmother to 3 girls & 1 boy, ranging from 15 yrs to 2 yrs, they are all very special to me & my husband.

There are no favourites, they have their own little characters & give us so much pleasure. We love them all the same - first to last! 

[ALLO]

lets get back to the point here people! the lord has blessed this couple with a baby. if they want to keep their child, then but out. it's not up to you. my advise is mind your own buisness!

[simont]

Mrs Simon-t.   Hi , I suppose I am the girlfriend in this situation.  I fell pregnant unintentially when I was 17.  i was studying for my A'Levels.  Mydaughter was born 4 days before my first exam in the upper sixth when I was just 18.  I then took a year out and went to university on a deferred placement.  My mum helped me with child care just as if I were working and I also used the uni creche.  I then took another year out and did my teacher training degree for a year.  I also had another son by this time as I didn't want huge haps between chidren and as my family was already started, I decided to continue.  I used a day nursery and obviously my older daughter was at school.  I then taught for a year and had another baby.  I then gave up teaching at the end of that year and have been a stay at home mummy since.  My daughter was 7 when I began to stay at home other than the gap years.  Continued

[simont]

I had to do what I did because I knew that if I didn't keep going and just say, 'oh I will finish my studies when the kids are older' I knew that I probably wouldn't.  I would end up with no qualifications and I might even blame the children for holding me back which of course would not have been their fault at all.  Mydaughter doesn't really remember me not being a stay at home mum and we have a wonderful relationship now.  In fact I home school all the kids and am with them 24/7 and we love this life style.  But the point is that I have a trade, I have a means by which I can support myself shoudl the worst happen to Mr T and also I am an example to my children of not being a quitter. 

Maybe your feelings towards your brother and his girlfriend are more to do with your jealousy of not having a baby when you think you should, and less to do with the wellfare of the baby.  Many Many children have working parents, and are none the worse for it.  because your brother's girlfriend is at uni doesn't mean she is going to be a rubbish parent.  continued

[simont]

I think you must remember that there are many different family dynamics around the world, and there is no such thing as a  'proper' mum.  I would hate to thiniik that anyone would be putting pressure on this girl to have a termination.  It is no one's choice but her's and your brother's.  I think they could do with some support and love, rather than the condemnation they seem to be getting.

Remember above all, do not punish her for being pregnant when you aren't.  Your time will come.  Miscarriage is a cruel, cruel thing I know how you feel; but being angry with others won't bring your baby back.  Your time will come, I'm sure.

be kind to yourself.