Why Does Death Cause so Many Arguments?

[Eastender]

After having a very rocky and unloving relationship, with my parents, my dad was diagnosed with cancer last year.  When I heard this I went around to see them, but my mother shut the door and told me I was not welcome, however in May of this year they did let me in, as it was obvious they did need my help, he was in a shocking state, and if anyone has seen someone die of this, they will know what I mean.  It was to be his last week of life.  So since then, I have been keeping in touch with my mother, either a phone call, or going around for a cup of tea, just to see how she is, I know I can ever recapture that mother and daughter relationship, but I'm just doing what I think is right.  Since he has died, there has been nothing but arguments with me and my own daughters.  Not only me, but my daughters have never had a relationship with their grandparents either, so its understandable.  My daughters, dont think I should be going to see her, although I have been told, a phone call is acceptable to them.  But because I have gone over there, my daughters are now not talking to me, and its hurting so bad.  They will always come first, no matter what, our relationship has always been what I never had!  Why cant accept the fact, that I am just doing, what I feel is right, and be happy for me??

[Octavius]

How old are your daughters?

Perhaps because you are now finding some middle ground with your own mother they feel maybe that hey are losing a part of you, or maybe that they just cannot understand why you would want to be part of something that rejected you for so long.  Whatever the history, everyone is experiencing an emotional reaction and tensions will be high.

It is maybe time to sit down with your daughters and tell them exactly what you have said here and explain that you need them as much as your mum needs you in this difficult time.    

[butter1]

Eastender,sorry for you loss.  How old are your daughters?  Although youve had a bad relationship with your parents I can understand that you want to help your mother.  Whether or not you got on with your dad has nothing to do with how you feel when he passed away.  Just because you didn't get on with them, doesn't mean you don't care.  I'm sure your daughters are just worried that you will get hurt but they have to understand that they have to pulled together with you on this one.  I think you should do whatever feels right and stick to it.  Your daughters obviously love and care for you very much and they are worried for you.  Take good care Eastender. x

[sandbach99]

Write to your daughters explain that although the relationship between yourself and your parents was poor they are/were still your parents and you do not want history to repeat its self, tell your daughters you will always love them, after all a mothers love is unconditional, but you do now feel you need some kind of mother/daughter relationship.

As you grieve for your father and what might have been,you are now realizing, probably subconciously, that your mother will not always be there and this is a frightening thought, and you are aware of how alone your mother is and how she needs the comfort of your visits, Your daughters appear to be jealous which is sad, do they not want to get to know their gran? does she not want her grandchildren, could your mother write  explaining the comfort your visits bring her.Don't let your daughters dictate who you should see, write to them, send cards they will return to their loving mother

[Eastender]

Thank you all x

[widowpurple]

I have very recently lost my own father to cancer and, yes, I know how shocking it is.  I am so sorry for your loss and agree with other comments that your relationship has nothing to do with the fact that you have lost someone important in your life.I am very blessed in the fact that I have enjoyed a fantastic relationship with my Mum and Dad so that has not been a problem.  Your question interested me greatly because I have found that, for the past 3 weeks out of the 6 since he passed, my husband, my daughter and myself don't seem to be getting on as well as we usually do...not full blown arguments but a lot of bickering going on. I think grief has many sides and although I don't feel angry I just seem to be reacting that way right now....no help whatsoever to you I know, but I just thought it was interesting.  I think there is no right way or wrong way for you to be behaving right now and if you feel you want contact with your mother because it feels good then maybe you should continue to see her. I am so sorry your daughters feel the way they do, but, I suppose they have their own grief to contend with also...I am sorry it has got to the stage where they are not talking to you and agree a letter is the best start to try and let them know your honest feelings.  I do hope things resolve and that your dad is resting in peace now.