Justified sulking?!

[tigwig]

I have been with my husband for 16 years now (married for 10). When I met him, he smoked I never have. Over the years he's stopped and started again more times than I can remember and each time he's promised he will never put himself and me through the suffering that stopping brings again. Until last night, I thought the last time he'd ever smoked was years ago, well before the kids came along. I know all of his work colleagues smoke so he always stinks of it but when we were kissing I could taste it in my mouth! I asked him outright and he admitted he'd started again but it was under control. Yeah right! I am upset and disappointed that he has done this agian when I know he hates it he's just too weak and gives in to the addiction that obviously never leaves him completely. I should mention too that the last 2 years for us have been absolutely sh*t on the job front. He's a bricklayer and has barely worked and this has put massive pressure on us not to mention the unexpected pregnancy that occured last year. We have nearly split up several times this year and have both been close to having some kind of breakdown with all the upset. I just don't know where to go from here. It's not been mentioned since and he would never smoke in front of me or the kids. I just hate it. I hate the smell, the cost and what it does to your health not to mention that most of the money we have had recently comes from either me or my parents as they've had to bail us out so much. What do others think? Should I let him get on with it? Do I have a choice?

[Count-A-Strong]

Typical woman. Marry someone and then try to change them. You're both obviously under a lot of pressure financially and your husband therefore needs his 'crutch'.

[lotsafun]

i have to agree with you on the smoking front that i cant stand it too but in all fairness if he was a smoker when you met then its not fair of you to expect him to change for you. and fair play to him he doesnt smoke around you and kids. He will only quit if HE wants to

[Prudie]

tigwig while I sympathise try to sort out your other problems and don't focus on the smoking. I'm a smoker and I have found it nigh on impossible to give up, I don't do it to be difficult to my family and I'm sure your husband is the same. Good luck.

[tigwig]

Hee hee thanks for being so honest! What about me though? What can I do to ease my stress, maybe I should join him (not)!

[tamborine]

Evaluate wot your OH means in you and your children.....r you prepared to incur the wrath of your kids when they discover they lost their dad over a ciggie ? I've smoked from 18 and have a bus pass - nowt much wrong wiv me.....except my stupid addiction to this daft site.

[Greedyfly]

I truly believe he is entitled to do as he pleases. If he chooses to keep smoking and not seek help to stop that's HIS choice. I would never tell my O/H what he could or couldn't do. I would be disappointed that he had started to smoke and not mention it but what can I do? I would just accept it, he is his own person.

[cazzz1975]

I agree with tambo and prudie, he will feel a lot more stressed hiding his smoking from you, give him a break, he is struggling and you are both having a bad time, kicking up a stink about the smoking will only make a tense atmosphere even worse.

[pastafreak]

I think you need to look at all the other problems that are getting not just you down,but your husband,also. It he has been under so much pressure of late,is it any wonder that he has gone back to a habit that may serve to be a form of relaxation. I am not condoning it...but you may do your relationship more harm than good if you make a big deal over this.If some of the other issues can be sorted,the smoking may follow suit.

[tamborine]

tigwig.....concentrate your life around your kids, give them all of you that they desire; that should fulfil you and get you over your stress. Stuff your nose with Vicks and you wont smell much else.

[rowanwitch]

"not to mention the unexpected pregnancy that occurred last year" I wonder you might be transferring a lot of painful feelings into an area you feel you might still be able to change...Did you have a termination because of your financial/other situation tigwig....if so I wonder if that is the real source of all the pain here... If that is what happened you might need to really sit down and think /talk through the real issues....

[ummmm]

No...you don't have a choice. It's not like he's jacking up...

[tigwig]

thanks for the answers. I have not mentioned it since and neither has he. I am just going to let him get on with it and hopefully he will stop again in his own time, as long as I don't know he's doing it I realise I have no other choice and I can't bear to argue over it.
I didn't have a termination last year, we now have an 8mth old baby! The 'problem' with this was he didn't want another child and I did before things got bad financially. The pregnancy happened when it waan't supposed to, obviously we both adore him but he did very much add to the pressure when he was a screaming and very difficult baby up til a few months ago.

[rowanwitch]

So you are tired, and over stressed and the smoking thing while important is probably still something you can focus on...I certainly wouldn't risk a relationship over it though...but it does sound like you need someone to make a few efforts to put your needs first... Perhaps if he were able to be more help in other ways it would offset how you are feeling a little...

[buffymad]

I know how you feel, having had a partner who's done the same too! I just hated the fact that he'd kept the smoking from me coz I'd believed he wasn't! I get told can't afford to smoke but he always sneakily manages to find a way! Mind you, he knows my reactions from the past so I'm not surprised he's not admitted it before!

Know none of that helps but just thought I'd say I know how you feel - if that makes it any better!!