Obsessing over her previous partners

[Benjiman]

I have been with my girlfriend for a year now and we have the most perfect relationship ever (honestly - people comment constantly how amazing we are) but I really really want to know how many guys she has slept with/fooled around before me.

I think it's probably because I have only slept with one other girl and she knows this. There is no doubt in her mind that I have only slept with 2 people. Whereas I know she has slept with at least five but know idea how many more (is it a couple over 5, or a dozen or a couple of dozen)!

I've never let on to her that I think about this and never would.


Can anyone give me any tips on how to stop bloody obsessing over this as my behaviour is really bugging me?

Or would it be acceptable to just come out and ask her? (Girls out there I'd like to know what you think of that) And in the end do you think that would help me or upset me?

Thanks everyone

[sherminator]

while i can totally sympathyse as i went through the same thought process with my first major lass. completely agree that it snt worth knowing! and will only lead you thinking darker thoughts! you have to try and forget about it and realise its really not going to add anything and will actually make it worse for you!

[AliFlump]

I can't honestly see the problem with asking her. Me and my partner both know the magic number and it doesn't bother us because we love and trust each other. In fact we can sometimes have a little giggle when talking about silly things from the past. (we both know how each other popped their cherrys) His is more than mine which doesn't bother me. I just think it's a natural progression when you get used to each other. He's not once asked "how big" or anything.

Only you know if it will bother you. I don't see how it should. Everyone has a past and you accept that when you get with someone.

Let us know. Xx

[jno]

I wouldn't agree with everyone that her past is none of your business, or that your past is none of hers: when you get together with someone you want to know all about them, that's only natural and not particularly sinister. But as others have suggested, it's not going to help you any. If she says 2 or 102, what difference will it make to you, exactly? How would you deal with it? Would you be satisfied knowing the number, or would you want more details... and more still?

For your own sake, I'd just keep my mouth shut if I were you. Maybe in a while - and I mean years from now - it won't seem so important. Meanwhile, try to shift your thinking about her: not 'She was with them!' but 'She's with me!' Learn to count your blessings, not other people's.

[karenmac60]

Ali, if it just came out as a 'natural progression' of the relationship that would be fine. The fact he's obsessing about it is a different matter - he'll start obsessing about who they were and what they did next. And men tend to have a problem with the woman having had more partners than them.

[RainbowPrism]

My ex asked me that, at first I thought it was just a bit of fun, but oh no, one question DID lead to another and another, until he ended up obsessing about it, he turned out to be a total control freak, paranoid, jealous and posessive..not a very nice guy in the end, he turned my having slept with more than 2 men into meaning I was an absolute ***. Please dont ask....it is personal and none of your business, leave her past in the past please for both your sakes.

[joko]

you could ask casually, just in chat i suppose - as long as you dont demand an answer or interrogate her...if she feels like you are questionin her she will be annoyed

but...be prepared for her to tell you its none of your business or lie to you or tell you the truth and you dont like the answer.

bear in mind that if you do the maths and break the answer down into chunks like months and years, the number is never really that big...for instance 20 might sound a lot...but over the space of say 15-20 years...its just one a year...not much at all is it...?

[jno]

RainbowPrism, perhaps you were lucky he asked? Otherwise you wouldn't have found he was a control freak until later,and wasted more time on him?

[ummmm]

Chances are she'd lie anyway....

[AliFlump]

Point accepted Karen. But surely the key to a successful relationship is honesty and to talk to the other person about your worries. Especially if it is to do with them. But as I said before if you think that actually knowing is worse than how you're feeling now try and get over it. You asked what women thought of asking out right and I think it's fine.

[Wednesday_Adams]

Wyzard 66 is right, there are double standards when it comes to this.
When I told my bloke my ''number'' his reaction was awful, he went off on one and almost dumped me....I didn't even want to tell him, he all but forced it out off me. My 'number' isn't even very high!!! He now knows how out of order he was. At the end of the day, you can ask her, but if she doesn't want to tell you, then let it go. You weren't together so whatever (or whoever!) she did before you is not important.

[Le Chat]

It depends upon the type of people you both are. My husband has had only 2, whilst I have had half a dozen. He isn't bothered but I sometimes ask him whether he felt he'd missed out on some prime totty! We laugh about it but the fact that you are obsessing makes me think you might get your knickers (or should I say undies) in too much of a twist about it! x

[RATTER15]

I would not want a woman that has had more pr!cks than a second hand dartboard, I would find that quite a turn off!

I would not ask a partner either, but these things generally have a habit of coming out in conversation.

It would also put a huge question mark over her moral standards.

[TTG]

As it's been mentioned, who cares about the number of men she has been with? Think of it this way, the other men must have been rubbish as she is no longer with them.

Also she probably has "skills"! ;-) Have fun.

[ummmm]

TTG - you don't split up with someone because they are not great in bed. You teach them what you like..

[RATTER15]

So that's where my post went!! I thought I posted it on another thread and it ended up here.

I'm just confused!!!!