Boyfriends Drinking

[ellenblue]

Hi, I just wanted some advise on this matter, my boyfriend drinks almost every night, we're talking six out of seven nights here and I don't like the fact that we can't sit in and have night in without him having a drink, I have mentioned this to him and he keeps just going off on one about it saying I'm nagging and that, does anyone else agree with him cause I just can't undersatnd why he feels he has to drink all the time.  Any answers appreciated.

[hannahjo]

Hi ellen. I think it depends on how much he�s drinking. If it�s just a glass of wine a night say, then I don�t think that�s a problem. It may just be his way of winding down at the end of the day. However if he�s binge drinking every night then that is a problem. Not only is it anti social but he could be seriously damaging his health. As its obviously upsetting you, maybe you could reach a compromise with him? Like only drinking thurs, fri, sat & sun? Or maybe you could go out in the evenings to places where you don�t generally drink i.e. cinema, bowling?

[Octavius]

 

I don't believe (if it is as you say) that drinking (does he drink alot?) every night of the week is normal (unless you are on holiday with lads) and he may be heading towards a long-term problem.  Rather than using the, "you never talk to me any more" try a different tact.  Find out why he feels he needs to drink so much, that you are concerned about him, suggest perhaps you go out somewhere weher you don't drink for an evening - a drive down to the beach/wal k in the park etc.  He clearly has something on his mind and the drink is perhaps a diversion, but you won't get it out of him, you just have to coerce him into opening up by explaining your concerns for his health and your relationship rather than how you are feeling yourself as this is clearly not working. 

[georgit79]

In my opinion, even if it is only a glass or two, or a can or two a night, six out of seven nights is excessive, and unless he curbs it now, he could be on the way to developing a serious alcohol problem. Maybe get one of his mates to try and talk to him?

[andy hughes]

I'd agree with the previous answers  - if your boyfriend is drinking every night, then he has a problem.

Maybe he feels he needs alcohol to relax, but that in itself is a problem. The fact that he loses his temper with you over it proves that it is an issue for him, as well as for you.

It needs discussion, calmly. Why not arrange to go out for a meal - a public place means you are less liely to have a row. Don't question if he drinks during the meal, but during desert or coffee, tell him you want to discuss the issue with him.

If he still won't discuss the matter, then you are looking at serious communication problems in your relationship, which combined with the alcohol, does not indicate a sound basis to carry on, and you should seriously think about moving on.

That said, do not use the 'stop or I'll leave you' tack - that simply creates another issue, instead of solving this one.

Good luck with this - let us know what happens.

[Lisax]

hi ellen

i often have a glass of wine or 2 in the evenings most nights of the week.... not because i need to but because i use it as my treat and the end of the day. alot of my friends also do this. it doesnt necessarily mean he has a problem... of couse some people do have a problem so i'm not saying he definitly doesnt but dont jump to the automatic conclusion that he does.

does he have an addictive nature in general?? most alcoholics have addictive personalities so it could be drinking, gambling anything but often there is more than one thing.

keep an open mind and if you do feel it really is a problem then maybe leave some leaflets on it about etc

hope everything turns out ok for you

Lisa x

[jimmer]

hi Ellen

It can be very difficult to approach a subject such as alcohol dependency of a loved one. You may want to start by visiting this website:

http://www.howsyourdrink.org.uk

they have loads of information about how you can start to get help for your partner. Please remember that it is not your fault he is like this and that, ultimately, it needs to be his decision to try and bring his drinking under control.

jim

[JudgeJ]

Let’s not beat about the bush.

The details of your boyfriend's drinking habits are immaterial. You have told him that they upset you, but he persists. He is therefore continuing either because he doesn’t care much for you, or because he has no control over his addiction.

Either way, without help, this problem will only worsen. Even if his drinking habits remain the same (and they probably will not, they will increase) they will annoy you more as time goes on.

Insist and ensure he gets professional help. (Talking to "one of his mates" will simply result in your boyfriend convincing his mate that you are a nagging cow). If he cannot or will not get such help you must either end your relationship or put up with the situation as it is.

There are no half measures here.

[jake-the-peg]

I used to drink like this. Steady and continual, say a bottle of spirits 3 or 4 bottles of wine and the odd beer over a week - Not Oliver Reed but not good. I'd probably been 4 years without a dry 48 hour stretch.

Slowly I realised that I was an alcoholic and that most alcoholics were like this and not like the stereotype in the gutter.

I gave up for 10 months and thought I could go back to "social drinking" in 6 months it was business as usual.

I finally(?) gave up nearly 5 years ago and have been dry ever since.

If he's like me the change has to come from him. I'd have reacted badly to being told that I had to give up drink - Make no mistake that's what you're asking cutting down is unlikely to last.

He needs to see it's affecting his health - does he have frequent heatburn? a pack of Rennies on the go all the time? how abuot weight 2 stone fell off me when I quit and the money well...

If you go in hard like JudgeJ suggests it might work but I suspect you're more likely to get a secret drinker or single very quickly so think about how you want to play it carefully.

You won't understand why he needs to drink any more than non-smokers can really understand the "need" to smoke so don't beat yourself up about it. Oh and quitting booze is about 10 times harder than giving up smoking you get a lot more encouragement and support in the latter case.

Best of luck

[ellenblue]

Hi everyone thanks for your answers.  He drinks a bottle of 12% wine every night and if he finishes that early then he has one or two bottles of WKD.  He also smoke cannabis at the same time.  Everytime I've tried talking to him he just shuts me out and says I'm nagging and I should understand that he likes to chill out after work, but this is like from 4.30 til 12.00 everyday, definatly not normal in my eyes, why can't he see that.

[jimmer]

Ellen

i know its difficult to understand but it probably is "normal" for him. However, he is drinking somewhere around 80-90 units a week and smoking grass. I would imagine he's not great company for you, and he is doing himself a lot of harm. I honestly think you need some proper help in dealing with this try calling these people at drinkline:  0800 917 82 82. They will help you start to sort this out.

 

jim

[Octavius]

AB Ed, when you edited my answer (I understand that you deleted the line referring to a removed post) couldn't you have corrected my embarassing spelling mistakes as well...?!

[jake-the-peg]

Yep that's probably the sort of pattern that a lot of people have who have what you might call alcohol dependancy they don't see it as that because they function totally adequately at work, don't roll in gutters or drink meths.

The hard truth is you can call all the advice lines in the world but things probably won't change until he calls one. He has to want to change and that doesn't happen until he acknowleges theres a problem. That's why AA make such a fuss about people standing up and saying "My name is Joe Soap and I'm an alcoholic".

Thing is I'm willing to bet that for every one of us who give up there are 10 who never do.

Still I was in my mid thirties and had been a drinker for a decade or more and I know people who stopped even later so you never can tell - I just doubt there's much yuo can do to make it happen

[Octavius]

Someone very close to me was an out and out alcoholic for more than 18 years, and it was only at the point after her children were taken from her and the doctors said that the next drink will literally kill her (by this point her skin was really very yellow) that she actually admitted she had a problem.  Fortunately she is on the road to recovery and her young children are seeing more of her (it's been about 2 years since the last drink apparently - we can't say for sure), but that road can only be taken by the person themselves with close ones there to help them along the way.  There is some long term damage (I mean to do with the mind more than body functions) but there is definitely improvement so it can happen.

It is a serious issue ellenblue and you will notice that you are not alone, however mild or innocent or sever and serious your circumstance turns out to be, your boyfriend needs to hear that you are concerned for his health, his happiness, your relationship, and ultimately your happiness together.

[Elfin]

Hi Ellen.  I completely understand where you are coming from as I had the exact same experience with my ex (note the word ex).  Every day when I came home from work, he'd already be halfway through a 2 litre bottle of White Lightning or something similar.  He said he deserved a drink as he'd been at work all day.  Yawn.  And there was I thinking I deserved a partner who was at least on the same planet after I'd been at work all day...

He also smoked pot all the time but it was the drink that bothered me more.  It puts a divide between you and when it happens every night - life gets lonely.  The defensiveness when the subject is broached borders on aggression, as you may have found.  Now that he knows you disapprove, you'll probably find that you'll never be able to have a reasonable conversation about it.  You may also come to realise that you are possibly the last person who'll be able to convince him he needs help - you are too close.

Obviously he has his reasons for escaping via the drink and drugs but unless he's going to talk to someone about it and get it sorted, your relationship is doomed. 

I wish you luck in dealing with your situation.  You may want to try a few of the things suggested in the other answers but ultimately I'd advise you to look after number one.  I wish I'd left mine earlier...

[JudgeJ]

Thanks for the further details, ellenblue. I imagine they were written whilst you were eagerly awaiting the arrival of your boyfriend, home from a hard day’s work and ready to “unwind”.

So let me try to understand this.

This guy goes to work (which surprises me - he must have a very understanding employer), so presumably you do not see him during the day. Then, when he gets home, he proceeds to down a bottle of strong wine, a few alcopops, and smokes some cannabis just to keep him occupied between mouthfuls. Then I imagine he retires to bed (if he is able to) by which time he cannot be in any fit state for a conversation or anything else with you.

Just what is in this relationship for you? Even if you manage to change this man's habits (and this is unlikely in the extreme) you will waste years of your life doing it and will spend those years walking on eggshells.

You deserve a lot better than this. I think you really know the answer to your dilemma. Do yourself a favour and do it now. Don’t ask yourself any more tortuous questions or waste any more time on this selfish, drunken, drug-ridden loser. 

Sorry to sound harsh, but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

[Pootle]

I disagree with you Andy Hughes, shock tactics worked for me. About 3 years ago, I was drinking too much every night of the week; I used to pick up a 6 pack on the way home from work, drink that and then pop outside for a joint; suffice to say that I wasn't the best of company, I had stale breath and the foulest smelling farts even by my own standards. After a while, my girlfriend had had enough of it and told me so insinuating that if I didn't sort myself out, she would leave me. She also threw in the word alcoholic for good measure. Well, off she went to bed leaving me on the sofa to have a think. I had a moment of clarity, realised how dull and boring it must have been for her, and also realised that I had no intention of losing her over a joint and a beer. If he continues, then you may have to ask yourself a few questions about the future. But I would also agree with Hannahjo, break the pattern, go out rather than stay in. Talk, chat. Only put the tv on if there is something you actually want to watch. (However, in my house that means the tv is seldom on) 

[ellis bell]

hi ellen..

i donno if it might work but when you go out and he orders sth to drink you may buy him some fruit cocktails with "alcohol", so he'd still think that he's drinkin' (well already drinkin' but not that much) but i'm not sure if he buys that :) just wanted to help..

[ellis bell]

and um, JudgeJ.. i don't think that it's a good idea for her to leave him, because if they've had not anything else to share except this problem she'd have already left him.. and it'd make everything more difficult; he'd be sad and drink a lot more & she'd be sad thinkin' that he drinks more.. so what i say is, it might not be a good idea to struggle for this your whole life and wear yourself away ellen, but you can make a little effort for him and if they don't work you should ask yourself if it's worth it..

[Slinkye]

hi ellenblue I have hestitated a few times whether to post an answer and of course this is only my option. I have to say I agree with Jake-the-Peg and JudgeJ. I too walked in your shoes when I was married to my ex. Although, every case is different but the bottomline is that he has to want to change. I tried to help and supported my ex for years but things got progressively worse. He always said he was sorry when there was an 'incident' and I believed him. He promised to stop drinking but he then just drank behind my back and things got worse (losing his driver's licence, job, violence etc). It took a total stranger one day after another 'incident' to make me release I had to think of myself and my baby. I still remember the words the doctor said "jump before the ship sinks"!!! It was hard leaving him as I still loved him but I knew I had to do it for my child. By the way, he continued drinking for another 10 years and I am pleased that now he is on the road to recovery. It took a major 'incident' resulting in a coma for 3 months in hospital for him to realise that he had a problem. I understand that alcholics will always be alcholics, they are just individuals that should never drink and are always recovering. I have never once regretted leaving him. Take what you want from my story.