new boyfriend

[glammapus]

Advice NEEDED!!
Ive been a single mum pretty much ever since my son was born, he's now 8 and ive met a wonderful man who loves me and makes me so happy but more importantly is willing to help bring up my son but my he has become so jealous and clingy all of a sudden. He keeps us awake all night demanding to sleep in my bed with us as he 'doesn't want us kissing'. He tells me he wants us to die, is rude, wont do as he's told when my boyfriends around, says he hates him. My boyfriend deals with this very well and tries reasoning with him. We never exclude him or ignore him but he literally just clings to me and wont let go. Its so upsetting that i feel like i have to be alone all my life but i dont know what to do, has anyone else been in this situation??
Its a nightmare at the moment.

[ummmm]

It will pass...be patient but be firm.

Does he see his real Dad?

[Sqad]

It will pass.

[China Doll]

Agree with the above comments but also give boundries. Do not allow him to dictate whether you can kiss your boyfriend (although full on sloppy ones could probably be left to private as no one likes watching other people do those!) and if he is being clingy then give him a cuddle or something but then move him away, don't let him become the one in control, you are the adult.

[andy-hughes]

This is a perfectly normal, and typical reaction from your son, so don't worry!

He is exhbiting classic signs of insecurity which are occuring as a result of a seismic change in his little world.

Until now, he has been the only male in your life - the centre of your attention, love and affection.

Suddenly, another male has appaeared, and represents, to his eyes, competition, and the threat of taking over.

It doesn't matter that this is not the case - it's a subconcious response from your son, and needs lots of patient handling.

From you - reassurance that he retains his place in your love and affection, and that your partner is an addition, not a replacement. When you are alone with your son, give him lots of physical affection, and reassure him how important he is, and how much he means to you.

From your partner - reasurance that he loves your son too, and how important your son is to you, and to him - and that he is looking forward to helping your son 'love and look after you', and how he hopes to make both of you happy if he can.

When you are together - lay off the phsyical affection between the two of you, and let your son be affectionate within reason - no clinging or tantrums permitted.

Your son will assimilate the new situation, but it will take a lot of time and patience.

You need to be loving, but firm. Be sure your son's natural selfish instincts (which surface with biological parents as well btw) are not allowed to dominate the family and allow him to manipulate you.

You must must MUST back your partner up in simple discipline issues. Your son will try and play one off against the other - do not allow it to happen, even if you think your partner is wrong, you must back him, and discuss it afterwards when you two are alone - remember it's a learning curve for your partner as well to adapt to loving and looking after a child who

[glammapus]

No ummm his father isnt interested although he lives only a mile away, no money, no help so we gave up on him a long time ago. thank you all, he already has an xbox which he loves so maybe the two could find a common ground with that. Hopefully things will settle down in time, thanks again xx

[glammapus]

Thank you andy, such brilliant advice and exactly what i wanted to hear.

[andy-hughes]

My pleasure - glad I could help.

I know you will be very aware of the sesimic shift in your family dynamic by the introduction of your partner - and also be aware that the changes have to occur to go from two to three.

It works if you two make it work - and i am sure that you will.

The difficult parts are hearing your partner discipline your son, and overcoming your instinct to protect him - but be strong, and guide your partner in the right ways of parenting.With your teaching, and his obvious willingness to learn, and love all round, you will get there.

As I always say of my older girls (well, I say 'girls', they are 35 and 33, and both mums!) - I appeard when they were six and four, and I may not be their father, but i am definitely their dad, and I know which is most important, and so do they.

[gingejbee]

andy- have you done this sort of thing professionally? You're very good at it - well done.

[NOX]

When my ex and I first got together I had a ruck of sons and she had one son from a previous relationship- and things intially were very similar to the things you describe- all the kids were convinced that this interloper would mean that their sky would fall. Eventually after much patience and much backing each other up it didn't and they realised the benefits of having two parents who loved them all equally. By the time our children came along we were just one big happy family (with the occasional bout of dramas and rows like everyone else). Just keep doing what you're doing and it will all pass eventually and you'll wonder what you ever worried about.

[andy-hughes]

Thanks very much for your kind words gingejbee.

If I had my time again, i would study psychology because it does interest me deeply, and I have been told I'd make a good therapist! I was a Samaritan volunteer for three years, which I enjoyed a lot, and polished my empathy considerably!

All my answers on what ever topic are written in the time it takes to type them - which is fast - I learned to type at college.

So no deep thought, just what i think and feel as i write, based on experience (in this case) and / or opinions on some others.

Thanks again for your kind comment - you have made my day!

[gingejbee]

Yes, I thought you would make an excellent therapist, too - if ever I have this sort of question, I'll ask you specifically!