Trying to recover from nearly having an affait

[jimbob1970]

I've been married 20 years with two children. Its been a good marraige, but has started to go down hill over the past few years down to one thing or the other. I've always been faithful and never wanted to look elsewhere.

About 6 months ago a girl I work with said she fancied me and started to flirt with me. Because of the way I felt about my marriage, I thought I'll have a laugh and flirt back. After a few weeks, she kissed me and said she "wanted" me. To be honest I felt flattered, receiving attention like this from an attractive younger women. I thought I could have a fling, after all, I know some of my friends do it and brag about it.

We kissed a few more times, but all the time my conscience was telling me this was wrong.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, this girl wanted to move to the next level and I couldn't. I explained that I couldnt cheat on my wife even though my marriage wasnt a good one. She understood and we stopped everything. We still see each other at work and it's not awkward.

This whole experience has made me realise how much I love my wife and I am now trying to get my marriage back on track and its working. But I still cant help thinking about what I've done and could have done.

I didnt have sex with this other girl, or have any sexual contact, just the odd kiss here and there.

Any advice about what I should be doing will be much appreciated.

[sara3]

what do you think your wife would say? and how would you feel if she had been flirting and kissing another man? you've betrayed her. I hope (for her sake) that she never finds out, and that you're now going to concentrate on your marriage.

[snags]

I wouldn't let it eat you up. You did what you did but you also stopped it going any further. You've made your choice and should now put all your energies towards that goal rather than wasting time and energy feeling guilty about what you 'might have' done...

[cherrybakewell]

well, I think you're a fool. I agree with sara and her comments. How would you of felt? Bear that in mind. Work on your marriage, and make your wife feel as special as you did this girl

[China Doll]

If you can use the guilt you feel and the realisation that it made you have about how much you love your wife then at least something good will have come out of the situation. Living with the guilt is your punishment if you like but there's no point in beating yourself up for something that didn't happen as well as the things that did. Concentrate on your wife and marriage and don't forget how much she means to you again and make something positive come out of the situation.

Good luck.

[jimbob1970]

Thank you for your advice. Thats exactly what I have been doing, trying my hardest to make things work and the one good thing that has come out of this is finding out how much I love my wife.

In my defense, and it may be a weak one, my marriage was close to an end and I was close to leaving when I let this other person in. I wasnt looking for an affair or a replacement, I'd just forgotten what it was like to feel wanted and receive that sort of attention.

This whole experience has been a wake up call.

[ummmm]

A blessing in disguise then.....

[society]

I agree with China Doll.

[joannie10]

I too agree with China and Snags - you clearly feel bad and are doing what you can now to make things work out so dont let sara or cherry make you feel worse. Whats done is done now - if you dwell on it then you can't fully focus on making your marriage a happy one. Let it be a lesson learned and focus now on doing the right thing.

[jimbob1970]

Thank you

[Snafu03]

+1 Vibe; thats what I did. I was 33 she was 18 - back of the net!

On a more serious note I read comments on this thread like 'you've betrayed her', and 'what do you think your wife would say', 'i think you're a fool'....Its not black and white, you have to look at the reasons behind this mans actions (he doesnt really go into detail)

People are quite happy to 'exist' in a marriage when they blatantly dont feel any physical attraction towards their partner purely for the sake of kids or financial security and expect their partners to simply accept it. When faced with a scenario like this fellow has its very hard to say no and its only our social programming that stops us.

How would I feel if my wife did this to me? Obvious; mortified, but if I showed no interest in the bedroom dept. then I'd expect trouble. Its too high off the ground to feed itself!

Sex is a basic human need with an appetite that needs satisfying and if starved then make people go against morals and exercise poor judgement to obtain it. I'm not proud that I cheated and wish I didnt have to have done that. But I do stand by my reasons for doing so.

[happyone2]

I have to agree that some on the comments appear to be very judgemental and "black and white".................... everything happens for a reason and this incident has enabled you to see the positive things in your marriage that are good and worth saving.....................

Therefore i feel it is better to see it as a lesson that you learnt well and wont need to learn again and thank whatever devine force you believe in for giving you an opportunity to put right a situation that could be saved ie your marriage.

i admire your honesty, your ability to learn and your kindness toward all the parties concerned not just your wife, but this lady who had feelings for you.............. you come across as a nice but once tested man !!!

good luck !!

[jimbob1970]

God. What an 8 months. Despite trying to save my marriage we split up in April and I moved out. Things were difficult for a while but I finally got my self sorted. New life, new start. No women lol. My kids still played a very important part in my life. Three months down the line my wife and I began getting close again, and we decided to give it another go, so I moved back.

Since moving back I have been consumed with guilt, everyday, from waking up to going to bed, an awful churning feeling in my stomach, aching arms and legs, its terrible. Everyday I just want to tell my wife what happening to try and get some peace, but I know if I do, I'm sure it would destroy everything. We love each other very much and life is good, but I cannot stop feeling bad.

They say time is a great healer, but as time passes my guilt is getting worse. I am desperately trying to forget what happening but it's not going away :-(

I just dont know what to do.