What defines someone who is not coping with grief?

[BettyNoir]

I lost my mum 7 1/2 years ago. Obviously when she died I was heartbroken, but I'm convinced I have successfully moved past my grief and when I think of her now it's with a smile not tears. Last week I was asked to re-live the day my mum died in detail, and talking about it brought tears to my eyes because it's not a pleasant memory to recall my mum suffering like that. Because I cried the official verdict it I'm not over my loss. Apparently 7 1/2 years is plenty of time to come to terms with the death of a loved one and you shouldn't be crying about it. I would have thought not getting upset at all when re-living something traumatic would throw up more of a red flag? I've been told I need bereavement counselling, and yet I honestly feel like I wouldn't benefit from it. I can't really see what I would get out of it to be honest.

I wondered what everyone else thinks? Is it so unusual to get upset over a painful memory after 7 years? Has anyone been bereaved for longer than that and still finds they get upset?

Thanks

B

[waterboatman]

My brother was killed on active service with the SAS in Aden in 1967. I was in Malaysia at that time. I still well up and miss him now. You don't need counselling Betty!

[365058bet]

My dad died 1984 and my mother xmas 1986,, not a day goes by without giving them a thought,, shedding tears is natural no matter how long ago they passed away

[rowanwitch]

Betty...just play their game and do what ever it takes...if it wasn't this it would be something else... the end result is what matters...even if you need to find the money to see a private counsellor...

[tigwig]

To say this country is so short of people willing to be foster carers its ridiculous that they are making you to do this but as others have said, you have to follow their rules and do it their way.
I agree with you that its completely normal to cry, of course it doesnt mean you need counselling!
I would just do what they say and I hope everything goes really well for you.

[TonyV]

Betty - have you had a look at CRUSE it's a charity so will not cost you anything other than if you wish to donate. Just jump through those hoops - lol

http://www.cruse.org.uk/

[Ankou]

agree with everything andy has said above. you will have to go with the programme if this is a stepping stone on the route.

it seems to me that if you hadn't cried, she might have assumed you were hardcallous and had no felings. perhaps a no win situation.

i still cry when i think of my dad.

[Bambiagain]

I was 23 when my father died (32 years ago), and 37 when my mother died. Of course I still think of them, and sometimes get emotional. It's only natural. But when I had marriage counselling when my marriage was on the rocks, the counsellor was astounded that I hadn't had professional help to get through the death of my father, but had instead to help my mother with her grief. I think those in the conselling profession, social workers and the like seem to think it is impossible to get through it all on your own - maybe their training makes them see counselling for every traumatic experience as the norm. I'm with those who say go through the motions to show willing if it helps you to get approval as a foster parent.

BTW, my OH lost his father just over a year ago and he's finding it hard to come to terms with still. Grief is not just a female thing.

[BettyNoir]

Thanks everyone for your answers. I feel a bit better now.

Quick update - I went to see my GP on Friday and explained the situation to her. We had a talk about how I feel about my mum dying, and as I suspected, she is unwilling to send me for counselling as I obviously don't need it. She says there's nothing wrong with getting upset every once in a while and she would think it more odd if someone in my situation showed no empotion whatsoever. She told me I should ask for a second opinion from a different social worker, or even just try going with another agency or directly through the local authority. I phoned the agency to speak to my social worker's manager and he was "in a meeting", he is supposed to be phoning me back tomorrow.

I will just have to see what happens next. I don't know what the agency will say when I tell them that my GP says I obviously don't need counselling. I have thought about contacting CRUSE, but I know that you can speak directly to a trained therapist and I'd feel guilty just taking up their time when there are people out there who are desperately unhappy and I feel perfectly fine.

[Mamyalynne]

Well done your GP for seeing that you are in no need of any extra help, do keep us informed and with your caring attitude may you reach your goal.

We need people like you Betty.

[boxtops]

Well done betty, thanks for the update. I wonder if your GP would be willing to write a letter to the social workers - just to advise that in her medical opinion, you are no different to the majority of us, and therefore no further interventions are necessary? SWs are not clinically trained, social sciences have a different way of looking at things (IMO) than the clinicians - your GP sounds like a very sensible professional person.
I admire you for having raised this very emotive subject on here, and so glad that you have had helpful and supportive replies. Do let us know how you get on ♥

[TonyV]

As boxtops has said - see if your GP is willing to write to care agency. Appreciate that you looked at CRUSE and don't want to use the time that other people may need. If the care Agency you are dealing with will not accept letter from the GP (a proffesional in the field of medicene - not a social worker) then perhaps search for another agency - in the meen time have a look at this link

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlBiLNN1NhQ

hope it makes you smile

hope it

[BettyNoir]

Thanks TonyV, that did make me smile.

Well, I spoke to our social worker's manager - we had a lengthy conversation where I felt like we were going round & round in circles. I told him that my GP had said I didn't need any counselling, & he said his social worker was more qualified to decide that than my own doctor! He said Drs look at it purely from a medical viewpoint whereas a SW looks at it in a humanist way. I pointed out to him that my doctor knows me a hell of a lot better than a SW who's spent 90 minutes in my company and I told him (politely) i didn't take too kindly to being made out to be abnormal in some way when the general concensus is that I'm perfectly normal. He gave me some speil about everyone's experience of grief being different & people deal differently with loss based on their life experiences. He told me that besed on his own life experiences, if he was in my situation he would not have cried. He also told me that our SW didn't necessarily want me to have counselling, and didn't have much to say for himself when i told him she clearly did, as she had said so repeatedly in the 10 minutes she was at our house. He says he will speak to the social worker over the next week and will call us back in a week's time to see what we will be doing next. He did mention the possibility of being assigned a new SW.I also told him I didn't think we had been given anywhere near enough time with our SW for her to make such a snap judgement and we wanted more sessions.

To say I'm disapointed with the way the fostering system works right now is an understatement. I knew the adoption system was very tough, but I had heard that fostering wasn't so much hassle, obviously not.