Confidence

[snapdharlich]

I find it extremely difficult to make friends and get on with people. I am back at university and am worrying about it. They are so nice to me and I enjoy the company, but I get paranoid and don't believe that they enjoy my company or even like me - When I speak it seems to go quiet - or is that me?. I'm nearly 30 and can't help feeling like this. It's getting hard to focus on the positive.

[rampart]

Relax and enjoy college. Whatever your age, you are sure to find it a fun time in your life - as fun as you make it. If you have a good attitude, work hard, help others, you will build confidence. I enjoyed the university very much and still have friends from those times.

[andy hughes]

Try to remember that plenty of others feel as unsure as you do - they just hide it better!

If everything goes quiet when you say something, it's a positive sign - it means what you say is interesting, and contributes to the conversation.

There's nothing wrong with sitting quietly and enjoying the conversation - just join in if you feel comfortable, and don't if you don't - no-one is really observing your behaviour, although it does feel like that.

With experience, you will find you relax more in the company of those you know well, an your confidence will grow. It's not something you are born with, it's a learned skill, and if you are clever enough to get to uni., learning a little confidence will come to you in time - promise.

[joko]

you could try some herbal remedies - Kalms, rescue remedy and connect. i use all three and find they help no end

[astronaut]

You have more confidence than you realise. To even post such a question takes quite alot of courage. To go to Uni.means you are clever. Confidence is nurture not nature,shyness however, IS nature and is sometimes confused with lack of confidence.Is it possible to join a gym or go swimming?  Do this, and see yourself in just one months time you will be surprised at yourself! I wish you all the best in your studies and future achievements, bye for now.

[LauraLou]

Definately recommend Kalms, and trying to think from a different perspective.

Don't take this the wrong way but you are thinking about this way more than your friends are. I used to dissect every move my friends made to try to work out what they were thinking of me, but most of the time they weren't thinking anything in particular, as they were just more comfortable than I was in the situation. As Andy pointed out, not having to talk all the time means you are relaxed in each others' company, not disinterest. Hope that made sense! 

[snapdharlich]

Thanks for taking the time to answer.

[lissyl78]

Hi, I've only just seen this question so sorry the reply is delayed.

I wanted to write to say that I know exactly what you're going through. I used to avoid shops like Topshop etc because I was convinced that the staff were looking down at me; if anyway looked at me as I walked past them down a street or something, I'd get really paranoid that they were thinking bad things about me and if anyone ever paid me a compliment, I'd get really upset because I thought they were being sarcastic and mocking me. Eventually, what started off as low self-esteem developed into depression. I'm not saying that that will happen to you! I just really sympathise with you.

I read a brilliant book, called Dealing with Low Self-esteem, and spoke to a therapist about where it stemmed from etc. Now, I'm a really confident person, will talk to anyone, accept compliments that are paid and hold my head up all the time.

Not saying you need a therapist as don't know how bad it is for you, but would definitely suggest reading the book and speak to your GP if it starts to get you down.

Lots of love and luck. Let me know how you get on x

[snapdharlich]

lissyl78 - You wouldn't happen to know the author of that book please?

[moon_unit]

hi, Ive always had a similar problem all my life. It started out as being really shy and literally having a quiet voice so people couldnt hear me! that would be embarrassing cos id say something to try and join in and it came out too quiet and no one would notice id spoken! that was during school, i eventually got better over time as i got older, but then at secondary school during last 2years i suddenly had a panic attack oneday,dont know why,but it was during an assembly,and from then on i would associate it with being in a crowded quiet room. so since then to this day i still suffer from social anxiety disorder and always have to sit at back of rooms/lecture theatres at uni :( my doc suggested cognitive behavioral therapy but so far i havnt had the guts to do it. I want to now though, as im in my final year at uni,and want to get over this and be normal and be able 2 sit anywhere in lecture room to study better. sometimes ive even avoided certain situations like certain lectures if they insist u move closer to the front or presentation. That obviously affects grades. I dont think you'll get as bad as me, I hope, but perhaps you could read up on shyness etc or tell your doctor if its effecting your life too much. Im on medication but it doesnt work as for some reason they use same meds for anxiety as they do 4 depression! i dont agree with this, as my problem is a learned behavioral problem/phobia which can be unlearned with therapy or even hypnosis. Ive only just got the courage to deal with it and will maybe go for the sessions soon.

[lissyl78]

Hi Snap, the author is Melanie Fennell. Good luck! x

[lissyl78]

Hi, I should've mentioned that the book I recommended is based cognitive behaviourial therapy so moon_unit if you're still out there, maybe you could have a look at it too. I couldn't recommended anything more highly as it, combined with therapy, has completely turned my life around. It wasn't difficult to do, surprisingly, and didn't take long either. x

[astronaut]

moon_unit, I suggest that you go swimming, it will naturally train your breathing to be calm in panicky situations, will give you stanima and help you read the recommended books when out of the water. Go on give it a try..