son deliberately hurting me

[tillyh345]

Why do u think a son would do this....? My son has had a very chequered history and as a family we have always stood by him, assisting in anyway we can, even financially. However a month ago he borrowed £20 which I gave him on the understanding he pay it straight back when he gets his benefits. Anyway to cut a long story short, I asked him for it back he said he had paid into my a/c which he hadnt and because i challenged him, he left and we havent seen him since!!

Now he knows if he had said sorry I couldnt afford it as he has in the past no more would have been said we would have just added it to the total debt he owes us! So now he is not seeing any of us or speaking to us? He has even removed himself from FB probably to stop me seeing that on a daily basis hes ok because he knows I worry about him, btw he is almost 30! Just interested in other peoples opinion. TIA X

[samak]

Why does he do it? Because you've spoilt him and let him. Stop worrying about him and don't give him any more money.

[murraymints]

He is NOT a child ...let him stew a bit..give him time to get his out from up his ****

[murraymints]

his head that should say...

[dotty.]

Been there many times, when he needs you, he'll be back.

[cazzz1975]

he needs to learn the hard way, stop bailing him out and get on with your life. he is old enough to sort himself out.

[mrs_overall]

Sorry to be blunt but he sounds like a spoilt brat the way he is acting - cant get his own way or face facts so he does a flounce to teach you a lesson

If he was 3 I could understand this behaviour, but 30?????

Leave him to stew and DON'T have him back until he admits the truth, apologises and repays the money.

[Purple_Popple]

I know it hurts, but unless you toughen up a bit and stop being a doormat he will continue to do this to you, buy you wont do this as he is your son and it is a case of unconditional love...so this is going to be a never ending circle..he will be back in touch - I will bet on it - when he needs money.

[mrs_overall]

Unconditional love is one thing - what this son needs is tough love...for his own good

[tillyh345]

thank you all

and I agree, however, I suppose what I would like to know is this in his genetic make up or have I caused this? I have a younger son, who has never asked for money, and if for any reason we have lent him any he pays it back before even asked, both brought up the same?

[cazzz1975]

I think some kids just turn out trouble despite their upbringing and vice versa, some children turn out really well despite their upbringing ;)

[mrs_overall]

You can raise any number of kids exactly the same and they will all turn out differently. I have 3 and you would never know they were related!
Good luck with your son

[Purple_Popple]

Dont blame yourself tilly, he is more than old enough to have made his own decisions in life to date, but why is he on benefits ? Does he still live at home ? What opportunities did he have at school and upon leaving school, did he do well academically ?

[Carakeel]

tilly, sometimes our children change into people we find diffucult to understand, even to like. When they become adults and leave home, what they make of themselves is out of our hands. They can change into people we barely recognise as the children we put so much effort and love into. My youngest son is far worse than yours and after many years of putting up with atrocious behaviour from him, I finally refused to let him into our house until he could behave in a civilised, friendly manner again. He sees himself as a hard man and was abusive and agressive towards me, which I must admit frightened me into asking the police for advice. They recommended I not let him into my house anymore. I haven't seen him for 2 years now! It breaks my heart, but at the same time, my life has finally calmed down and I do not miss the man he has become. I miss the child and young man who had the potential and the upbringing to be a loving, caring, strong man. Yes, I know I did spoil him and his sister by always being there to help in every way whenever they asked, incl. lending them money when I could not afford to. But they conveniently forget that now ... To them, you do things their way or they don't want to know you!! It is so sad, but I now agree with those who say you have to be cruel to be kind. I wish I had some done things differently! So, don't beat yourself up, but don't give in to your son anymore either!!! Be strong!!

[joeluke]

He's 30, time has long since passed when you should have cut the apron strings

If you continually financially bail him out he will never learn to stand on his own two feet

[Sqad]

joeluke has got it spot on.

[tillyh345]

Thank you Yes I know u r all right! I just find it so sad that I have a son that I would have done anything for and the love is not reciprocated, but then I suppose thats life! I think I have finally realised what I need to do...

[albaqwerty]

tilly I'm sure it is reciprocated but just not in the conventional sense.

Leave him to stew for 6 months (but try to get a hold of his friends who can keep you updated on his state of mind and so on.)

[feona]

You are not supposed to worry or such an unscrupulous son who instead of taking oger his responsibility is just eating up his parents hard earned money. that something of shame to him. don't worry about him much as he is a matured adult and could take care of yours. If can fool his parents, he could fool anyone in the world to get his work done!