Can someone help me clarify what my ex-girlfriend meant by this?

[HonouredPenny]

I'm gay and my GF broke up with me last week. It wasn't unexpected, I saw it coming for a while and I'd already resigned myself to the fact that she was likely to end it soon because she'd been distant and odd for a few weeks previously. I tried everything I could to make her happy but it wasn't enough. No problem, I can deal with that.

She said she still loved me and wanted to be friends. She even had the cheek to suggest we help each other find new partners. How ridiculous. I said no, I didn't think I was emotionally ready to help her do that and so I wasn't sure if we could remain friends. She asked what I wanted her to do with some things I'd left at her house and a sum of money she owed me. I told her to throw out the items and not to worry about the money.

She then said 'I'll wait for you to contact me then'

What?!?! I have no intention of chasing after her like a lovesick puppy even though I'm tempted to. We haven't contacted each other for 8 days. It feels like we're in a war of silence. I'm not sure what to do because her comment has thrown me. Is she expecting me to contact her? Why and what for? Should I wait for her to contact me?

[HonouredPenny]

Sorry I posted before I'd finished.

We broke up once before and I was a mess, completely heartbroken. I don't feel like that this time. I feel stronger and able to move on. However, if there is a slight chance that we might get back together and work things through, I don't want to miss it but I don't want to fawn around her like a little pet puppy either.

I don't know what to do or where to go from here. It would be really helpful to hear other people's interpretations of what she meant by 'I'll wait for you to contact me then' as they might give me some direction.

Any answers are much appreciated. Thank you :)

[samak]

Do nothing. It's over. Move on.

[Sir Alec]

If someone treat me like that I wouldn't want to know them. I think she has a cheek!

Find somebody else who will treat you better.

[Sir Alec]

p.s. I think you have been very generous about the money owed.

[HonouredPenny]

Thank you :)

To be honest, the money wasn't about generousity. I just couldn't bear it if she sent a cheque because it would hurt to see her signature. I know that sounds silly but I'd rather do without the money than put myself through that pain.

I think I'll just do nothing and move on as you've suggested. I suppose I was worried that not contacting her when she pretty much invited me to was a bit like the 'no contact rule' which some people equate to mind games. It helped just to know that other people think that is the right thing and that I'm not being childish or mean by 'ignoring' her or whatever. I've made plans to move on and meet new friends. I think that's the best way forward.

Thank you for your answers )

[~Wingnut~]

I say yes she is expecting you to contact her and chase after her giving her ego one hell of a boost at the same time! She's done this twice now and by what you've put if you did get back with her she will do it again.
Move on (which it sounds like you are anyway) and find someone who treats you with respect and doesn't play silly mind games :o)

[anneasquith]

dont contact her.

[ummmm]

She could mean for you to contact her when you feel ready. It might not be sinister game playing.

[HonouredPenny]

There IS a part of me that wonders if she is waiting for me to contact her and I'm just making her angry by keeping quiet. But why should I? You break up with someone cos you don't want to see them anymore, right? So why would she ask me?

I agree that she probably meant she'd wait until I'm ready, but ready for what? I don't want a friendship with her. It might be childish but it really is all or nothing. There's no way I'm going to sit and listen to her de-briefing after dates with other girls. I think I made that clear so I haven't got anything else to say to her. I'll just leave it for now, move on and hope she doesn't think I'm playing mind games.

Thanks guys :)

[boxtops]

Good advice so far, penny - just leave it. If she thinks you're biding your time to contact her, that's games-playing on her part - she wanted to break up, perhaps she enjoyed you chasing her last time. Be strong, grit your teeth, move on.

[welshlibranr]

I would just forget it and get on wth my life personally!.............If she contacts you,then you have to decide!.............

[Prudie]

sorry if this is completely off the mark and a generalisation but could it be that females are a bit more sensitive when it comes to break-ups and she said that as a nice way to let you down rather than a bloke who might say he'll call you sometime with no intention of doing so as an easy way to walk away?

[tamborine]

She has pushed you away - stay away till she wants you back. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, if she has any feelings for you.

[Halifaxmum]

I knew someone like this once (not personally, through my current gf's ex) - she's the cake and eat it type!

She said that because she wants you to wait around for her and run after her! She wants to have you there as a safety net type thing.

If you do contact her, I'd bet that, if she goes on a night out and doesn't pull, she'll be on the phone to you...she sounds like a user and will do it to you.

Don't succumb! Find someone who will love you and treat you right x

[feona]

It good to move on rather than sailing on a broken boat..

[Myriad2112]

I think you answered your own question..... why should you contact her? Don't bother!!

[dotty.]

if you didn't understand what it was that was bothering her prior to the break up, what would be different if you got back together? Unless you actually communicate and are able to listen to each other and compromise without trying to change each other, then any reconciliation would be at least short-term and at most emotionally disasterous for you both.

[andy-hughes]

I'm with ummm on this - I think maybe your ex is simply leaving you an option to contact her as a friend if and when you feel you would wish to do that.

I think you are very raw at the moment, and contact is not a good idea atn all.

You should give yourself some time to get over this break-up, and time will tell if you feel you want to fight for your relationship, or if it is over, and only you will know that when you can think calmly, which is not yet, or for a while.

If you decide you can be friends, then fine, but it has to be when you are sure you are ready. Right now you feel hurt and angry and space between you is the best thing - and may always be that way.

Hope it helps - remember there are plenty of kind people on here to talk with tohelp you through this awful time.

[Mr_F]

My advice is to sit down with yourself and decide what do you really want, in this stage everything is possible.
You can "move on", I am pretty sure that much better oportunity is waiting for you, just around the corner, but you have to move yourself to that corner.
Second option is to use this situation, learn something and set some new rules with relationship with your ex GF, but you have to be very, very strontg to pull-this.
I would say that your ex GF is quite a mess, so you have to be strong and bring order to your relationship, even if you stay only friends.
If you decide to go with this second option, I would sugges t write her a letter, write that you trully care and want her to be happy. That you will be glad to stay friends wtih such beautiful person like her, but you need her to give you some time to recover, so you will call her in month or two, ask her to be patient.
If you carry on with this, and stay strong she will chase you and you will never have this problem again.
Good Luck

[karenmac60]

As Ummm and Andy have said - I don't think there's anything sinister going on here. She has already said she would like to remain friends and you have said you don't want that. I would take her comment to mean that she won't contact you - you know what she wants but she is leaving the ball in your court should you choose to take her up on her friendship offer.