suggestions

[Dark Angel]

Help! My cousins wife, who is 10 years older than me, is really rude to me all the time. They live in England and when I was living there, this "lady" insulted in many ways when my cousin was not around. Some insults include: calling my degree "non-existent" for no reason, saying that she is a very busy person unlike me because she has a brood of children - but I didn't ask her to do anything for me, its my cousin who helped by giving me a job when I was made redundent. She also yelled at me for allegedly flirting with an aquaintance, when I couldn't even bear the sight of the man!!! She even tried to sweet talk me into confessing that I was fired from my job, when I explicitly told her that I was made redundent. (that's the truth!!) Now she's coming to my native country in the East for a holiday and was sickly sweet to me over the phone the other day. How can I show her I dislike her, but in a civilised way?

[BUNNY]

Rise above it.The women clearly has her own issues which are making her behave like an arse!Its not your problem.Keep your distance if you need to and refuse to let her behaviour drag you down.Keep you chin up and dont let a destructive person like that make you into someone bitter.Her attitude has said more about her that it has about you.

[bluedolphin]

Ignore her tirade or break it up by saying something like ..2pm already...I think I'll change the wallpaper in this room...when she's ripping in to u... Keep a few coins in ur pocket and jingle them when she is going on...see if u can arrange them all heads up.... take them out and look... then put them back in....and last but very important...before u go to bed take a good long shower/bath and wash that filth (obnoxious wife of cousin's talk") off of u and get into bed and sleep well.....good luck.

[georgit79]

Good luck to you, dark angel. I don't know if I could be civilised, as this 'lday' sounds like a right cow! However, as previous posters have stated, you do have to try and rise above it. Have you told your cousin how his wife has been treating you?

[natalie_1982]

My partner's sister is very similar, I find that the nicer I am to her the more irritated she gets as she has nothing to throw at me! It sounds silly, but if you disliked somebody so much you had to tell them and that person said "It's ok, I still like you" you'd want to punch them but can't because on the surface they're being nice. I do this to his sister all the time and she hates it and I love winding her up :D Good luck!

[Lindy Loo]

I get the feeling she may be jealous, though that's no excuse for hurling insults etc. Unfortunately some people are never satisfied with what they have and have an inbuilt mechanism that just has to have a go at everyone............ The way you have described her behaviour reminds me of my sons 'It's not fair', 'poor old me' attitude when he couldn't have his own way!!..... I know it'll be hard to keep your cool, but it's is the best way of rising above the 'childish tantrums'......When my son kicks off (he's 17!) I have learnt to ignore it or to say things like 'oh well', 'really', 'Mmmm', 'just making some coffee, would you like one?', all very sweetly! Or try the trick a friends 8yr old does...holds his hand up, palm out and says 'Speak to the hand cos the ears aren't listening!!' them turns round and calmly walks away!! Shuts them up evey time!! Good luck and keep smiling!!

[Cheesefreek]

Oh sod being nice to her.  Ruin her trip to you as she ruined yours.  Practice snide sarcastic comments!!  You'll feel better.

[FP]

I would be more assertive with her.  If she's rude to you just tell her politely and quiety not to be rude.  If you do this every time she will get the message.

It is so difficult for nice people to be assertive, because they feel assertiveness is being rude, which is just not the case.

 

[woofgang]

When you are talking to her, work this one in "You poor thing, have you considered counselling"

[Tha-Flash]

Just act superiour to her, patronise her. But act normal when everyone else is around. When you give her a snidey comment, speak in a different tone to her when you do and she'll probably notice it, conciously or subconciously and it should **** her off.

[Hgrove]

If she makes an unpleasant or sarcastic comment, say: "well, I am glad you got that off your chest".  Otherwise try to ignore her, but try to be assertive.

[saffstar]

I'm with Cheesefreak & Tha Flash - be the ultimate perfect hostess when other people are around - all smiles and sweetness, but when you're absolutely sure that you're alone with her - be mean!  Comparing her unfavourably with your cousin's exes should do the trick ("It's so odd that Colin ended up woth someone like you, all his other girlfriends were so much prettier/more intelligent/funnier.  Especially Samantha - Auntie Doreen absolutely adored her - but then she broke poor Colin's heart.  I doubt he'll ever really get over her....").  Have fun - and make the cow pay!  

[NetSquirrel]

Well, I hope we all agree the woman isn't actually "evil". There's no such thing as evil. So punishing her by being equally as rude to her as she is to you will not solve anything. This will give her justification to do it straight back, which is what she wants and enjoys. Conversely, sitting back and taking it is another easy option that again tends not to work. Perceiving you as an easy target, she might take out her rage and frustrations on you indefinitely. <BR><BR> Use your good judgement (which you obviously possess) to determine the cause of her spitefulness. Is she suffering frustrations in her life with no way of relieving the stress? If you think so, catch her in a good mood and be sympathetic towards her. Get her on your side and convince her to seek help. <BR><BR> Is anger just an integral component of her personality? This seems more common in men, but typically the person will try to dominate and belittle those who they see as "weak" i.e. polite, and acquiesce to those who they consider a threat i.e. even ruder people. If this seems to be the case, just be your normal, polite self around her, but perhaps draw the line somewhere. For example, if she is leaving rings on your table-tops, politely insist that she use a coaster. If she snaps at you when you're alone, tell her it was uncalled for, i.e. exert a little authority over her. Don't go overboard with it, though - after all, your eventual aim is to make her see how appalling she has been and change her ways, not to get revenge on you. <BR><BR> [Continued]

[NetSquirrel]

If you're honest with yourself, have you done anything at all to aggravate your cousin's wife? Even a small thing - like paying a bit more attention to her family than to her - could be dwelling in her mind and by now have been blown out of proportion. An apology for any troubles you may have caused her might be worth a try (even if you have a clean record here). Next time she begins an assault, try something like �Look, Sue (or whatever), have I done something horrible to you; have I been rude to you?� If she says yes, then a good talk and an apology might just set things straight. If she says no, ask her why she has this attitude. She will probably say �What do you mean?� Tell her you don�t like the all the rudeness when no one else is in earshot, the accusations, the arrogant advice. At this point she will either confess and be sorry (unlikely) or say �But I�m only trying to help�you�d do well to listen�� etc. If she takes this ploy, you�ll know she is still being spiteful and enjoying every minute. From here, I can�t think of any good logical choices (someone else will, I�m sure). You could tell her that you have seen through her Mrs-Perfect facade, and no longer give her the satisfaction of listening to her. My fear is that she would redouble her efforts, however, or select a new victim. <BR><BR> I�m sure you will do the right thing, dark angel, even if this is a difficult decision. A word of warning, though: if this behaviour goes on too long, you two may become set in your ways � you always offering courtesy to her, she always throwing it back in your face. And they will feed off each other � your kind nature will inflate this woman�s confidence to demean you; her overbearing attitude will become harder and harder to challenge. <BR><BR> [Continued]

[NetSquirrel]

As a last resort, a tape recorder might be a good investment � the type you can slip into your pocket. Imagine what the family would think if they knew how Sue acted towards you? I wouldn�t spring it like that, though. Store up a good batch of Sue outbursts, then make her listen to herself. Give her a final warning, then what�s she going to do? <BR><BR> P.S. Sorry for the length of all this! I got carried away. P.P.S. Why is < BR > not working?

[Dark Angel]

Thanks so much for everyones words of support - I feel comforted by them. And I have been making mental note of everyones points. To answer georgit79's question, as to whether I have told my cousin how his wife has been, well, no - my cousin has been very good to me and he will be in an awkward position, and also now I don't see them often like I used to, being in different countries and all, so it doesn't matter.

Netsquirrels answer is long, and I have made note of what you say. Maybe I as you say, unintentionally I may have upset her by talking more to my cousin - but thats because we know more people in common in our large extended family.

Anyway, thanks so much to all of you, your advice is much appreciated.

  

[secretspirit]

If I was you I'd tell the 'lady' that coincidentally you're going away at the same time she's coming over so you won't be able to see her. That'll teach her. Not grown up but definitely satisfying - I hate people who think they can be nice when they'll get something out of it and not at any other time. You wait, if you see her then after the holiday she'll be right back to normal and probably slag off your home too!!!!!

Yes I know I'm judgemental and mean.

[NetSquirrel]

Test message, please ignore.