Body & Soul11 mins ago
Miserable cow syndrome
15 Answers
That's what people probably think I have. Took our daughter to the circus yesterday and I just can not make/allow myself to clap along when told to do so. I probably always look like I'm miserable even when I'm not. I'm always that girl who is sat in the corner, not joining in. I can't bear clapping/dancing, basically anything like that because I just feel embarrassed and awkward. I am a very self-conscious person. - not keen on socialising etc.
My husband is worried it's going to rub off on our daughter. The thing is, I can't pretend to be someone I'm not. I have always been like this to be honest. I walk with my head down slightly when I walk my daughter to school lol, I think I'm just so shy. Luckily my daughter is quite outgoing in school, always puts her hands up to answer questions, joins in etc (the complete opposite to how I was).
Do you think that my awkwardness will rub off on her? My husband isn't shy at all. Do you think it sounds like I've got a problem? I think I'm a bit of a control freak and can't seem to let go (I never drink). Have I got issues? I hope this makes sense to someone. Thanks
My husband is worried it's going to rub off on our daughter. The thing is, I can't pretend to be someone I'm not. I have always been like this to be honest. I walk with my head down slightly when I walk my daughter to school lol, I think I'm just so shy. Luckily my daughter is quite outgoing in school, always puts her hands up to answer questions, joins in etc (the complete opposite to how I was).
Do you think that my awkwardness will rub off on her? My husband isn't shy at all. Do you think it sounds like I've got a problem? I think I'm a bit of a control freak and can't seem to let go (I never drink). Have I got issues? I hope this makes sense to someone. Thanks
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It might do, but how terrible is that? How unhappy were you about it before your daughter was born - did it seem to restrict your own life in ways you didn't like?
If the answer is yes then you should probably work on it, but for your own sake, not your daughter's. She will develop in her own way; some of it may come from you, some from her father, and most of it from other children. Sounds like she's already more outgoing than you. The main thing for you at this stage is *not* to tell her she's doing the wrong thing and should be more like you.
If the answer is yes then you should probably work on it, but for your own sake, not your daughter's. She will develop in her own way; some of it may come from you, some from her father, and most of it from other children. Sounds like she's already more outgoing than you. The main thing for you at this stage is *not* to tell her she's doing the wrong thing and should be more like you.
I dislike being an automaton and just doing things because they are expected too. And avoid being the centre of attention. But I don't consider it a good aspect of my character, just something I am and see no problem with.
That said, for your daughter's sake I'd have thought a polite clap wouldn't have been out of the question. You can be discrete. I suspect parents do tend to try to put on an act so their offspring don't pick up the limitations they parent has. But if she is already outgoing then maybe she already has got over the stage where you will have a major effect ? Maybe there is a little compromise that could be made, after all when outside you "comfort zone" as they call it these days, you build character.
That said, for your daughter's sake I'd have thought a polite clap wouldn't have been out of the question. You can be discrete. I suspect parents do tend to try to put on an act so their offspring don't pick up the limitations they parent has. But if she is already outgoing then maybe she already has got over the stage where you will have a major effect ? Maybe there is a little compromise that could be made, after all when outside you "comfort zone" as they call it these days, you build character.
I have to agree with horseshoes and I think deep down you think you need to change too because you are asking for advice. There's nothing wrong in being shy but if it affects your life and family then maybe there is something you can do about it. Seeking out the solution can take a little time but believe me the result is worth it in the end. I was very shy when younger and wouldn't say boo to a goose and now I'm quite the opposite (or would be if I could find a goose...)...and I know which I'd rather be. Shyness can hold you back in so many ways, stop you enjoying things that perhaps you would enjoy if you were able. I do hope you will try to look into becoming more confident and have more self esteem, the help is out there if you can take the trouble to look for it. Good luck, I really wish you well.
Thank you for taking the time to answer me. I think you're right horseshoes, I don't like ANY kind of attention but people are always telling me how I draw attention to myself because of the way I act (head down etc).
Hmm, when I was 16 I was very depressed, used to cry everyday because of how awkward I felt and, this sounds pathetic but I was so worried about the thought of having to catch a bus to college (sitting at a bus stop on a main road), it was a big deal to me. Luckily, the more I caught the bus, the better I became.
Where would I need to get in touch with to go on a self-confidence class? I do still feel quite uncomfortable at times because of the way I feel. It's hard to explain. I most probably sound like a right freak
Hmm, when I was 16 I was very depressed, used to cry everyday because of how awkward I felt and, this sounds pathetic but I was so worried about the thought of having to catch a bus to college (sitting at a bus stop on a main road), it was a big deal to me. Luckily, the more I caught the bus, the better I became.
Where would I need to get in touch with to go on a self-confidence class? I do still feel quite uncomfortable at times because of the way I feel. It's hard to explain. I most probably sound like a right freak
I am a bit better than I used to be but say, for example, I went to a pub with someone, I'd give them the money to go up to the bar as I'd feel too embarrassed. I remember as a little girl, I used to hide behind my mum's leg if she ever bumped into someone she knew in the supermarket.
I've never tried hypnosis, I may look into that. Thank you
I've never tried hypnosis, I may look into that. Thank you
No you don't sound like a freak, everyone is different and if you don't feel happy with the way you are then sometimes it is best to look towards changing things to suit yourself, you don't need to go the whole hog.
I would do a search on google for your area for self assertiveness courses or confidence classes, you would be amazed at how many people are similar to you and don't have the confidence in themselves. I think it shows more nowadays because there are lots of others who go to the opposite extremes.
You could look in your local library to see if they have notices where you can get help, even at your doctor's surgery they may have notices up where you can ring people to find out if they can help you. There are lots of ways and the first step is to start looking and then summon up the courage to make the phone call.....you will be really amazed at how starting out on this track could change your life for the better. Let us know how it goes...best of luck.
I would do a search on google for your area for self assertiveness courses or confidence classes, you would be amazed at how many people are similar to you and don't have the confidence in themselves. I think it shows more nowadays because there are lots of others who go to the opposite extremes.
You could look in your local library to see if they have notices where you can get help, even at your doctor's surgery they may have notices up where you can ring people to find out if they can help you. There are lots of ways and the first step is to start looking and then summon up the courage to make the phone call.....you will be really amazed at how starting out on this track could change your life for the better. Let us know how it goes...best of luck.
I think the great thing here is that you have realised there is something you need to change, that is a huge first step.
There is a lot you can do yourself, for example at the circus - you think 'Oh how dismal' etc but just look around and see the fun and laughter of the children and try to capture some of that and smile.
I agree with trying to seek out some self confidence building skills, ask at local library maybe. The main thing to remember is that we are all different and you are as special as anyone else.
There is a lot you can do yourself, for example at the circus - you think 'Oh how dismal' etc but just look around and see the fun and laughter of the children and try to capture some of that and smile.
I agree with trying to seek out some self confidence building skills, ask at local library maybe. The main thing to remember is that we are all different and you are as special as anyone else.
one thing you could do is actually try to work through your daughter - so that when the audience is invited to clap along you could say to her 'Let's join in, shall we?' That way she's really helping you rather than the other way round, though she won't know it.
Although you say not joining in draws attention to you, I suspect people aren't really noticing as much as you think. Nobody really looks around them to make sure everyone's clapping; it's just your own shyness that makes you think so.
Although you say not joining in draws attention to you, I suspect people aren't really noticing as much as you think. Nobody really looks around them to make sure everyone's clapping; it's just your own shyness that makes you think so.
Firstly, there's alot of sound advice given here... but, the corollary to that maxim is that it's not often someone with any disorder can be "cured" by other's opinions or in a forum. Having said that and having been close to someone for most of my life that lives in "the shadows" you describe, I'll offer my two cents worth (your "tupence", no?)
First, you are actually quite confident... confident (an probably secure) in your low self-esteem. There's probably a lot to be lost should you change that aspect of your life.
Secondly, I count 23 uses of the pronoun "I" in your one short paragraph. This supports the description of one who is secure in their own "inwardness". It's really all about you, isn't it? Your use of your faux-concern about your daughter is a facade to support a fence that serves you well.
So... what can one do. In trying to help the one I know well (I'm in the U.S., by the way, but that's beside the point) and with professional counselling, she found that there were several things in her life that she was really good at... things that, secretly she enjoyed but didn't want to share because she would then lose "control" of those aspects. What are those things you are good at? What things do you know lots about... more so than most other folks?
Try writing them down and, most importantly, admitting them to your self.
All humans share the same need for these things:
The need to give and receive attention
The need to look after your body.
The need for meaning, purpose and goals.
The need for a connection to something greater than ourselves
The need for creativity and stimulation
The need for intimacy and connection to others.
The need for a sense of control
The need for a sense of status and recognition from others.
The need for a sense of safety and security
Write down those things that you believe (truthfully) that contribute positively to those needs.
Lastly, seek something that truly interests you (there is something for everyone) and learn everything about it to the point you could teach someone else. Humans have an innate need to "teach" others. Give it a try... (it's important to keep a daily journal of your efforts).
In all of this, professional help "can" be of great importance... but a word of caution... don't place your life entirely in their hands and be sure to use your own ability to determine their effectiveness...
Bona Fortuna!
First, you are actually quite confident... confident (an probably secure) in your low self-esteem. There's probably a lot to be lost should you change that aspect of your life.
Secondly, I count 23 uses of the pronoun "I" in your one short paragraph. This supports the description of one who is secure in their own "inwardness". It's really all about you, isn't it? Your use of your faux-concern about your daughter is a facade to support a fence that serves you well.
So... what can one do. In trying to help the one I know well (I'm in the U.S., by the way, but that's beside the point) and with professional counselling, she found that there were several things in her life that she was really good at... things that, secretly she enjoyed but didn't want to share because she would then lose "control" of those aspects. What are those things you are good at? What things do you know lots about... more so than most other folks?
Try writing them down and, most importantly, admitting them to your self.
All humans share the same need for these things:
The need to give and receive attention
The need to look after your body.
The need for meaning, purpose and goals.
The need for a connection to something greater than ourselves
The need for creativity and stimulation
The need for intimacy and connection to others.
The need for a sense of control
The need for a sense of status and recognition from others.
The need for a sense of safety and security
Write down those things that you believe (truthfully) that contribute positively to those needs.
Lastly, seek something that truly interests you (there is something for everyone) and learn everything about it to the point you could teach someone else. Humans have an innate need to "teach" others. Give it a try... (it's important to keep a daily journal of your efforts).
In all of this, professional help "can" be of great importance... but a word of caution... don't place your life entirely in their hands and be sure to use your own ability to determine their effectiveness...
Bona Fortuna!
I agree with jno, in fact you will draw attention to yourself by not joining in, I am not a great fan of making a prat of myself but when we have children it comes as part of the package, I hate sports days and other participation events because I will get dragged into the parent races and I would rather slice my knees off than join in.
however I only do it for them, they will not be children for long so I swallow my feelings about small matters that mean a lot to them, like singing and clapping, children like us to fit in so we are like everyone else's moms and dads ;)
however I only do it for them, they will not be children for long so I swallow my feelings about small matters that mean a lot to them, like singing and clapping, children like us to fit in so we are like everyone else's moms and dads ;)
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