Please help sort out my jumbled head!

[CAJ1]

My other half and I are engaged and have been together for 4 1/2 years. He has been away for the last 3 months which has given me a lot of space to think.

His mum has sworn and told us to get the f*ck out of her house before, called us names and had a go at me - not once has he stood up for me and told his mum to stop or to apologise to me. He goes to see her twice a week, pays some of her bills because she says she has no money to pay them (but has money to go out drinking) and he takes numerous calls from her every week. She'll phone him exactly 20 minutes after we leave her house every time we're up even though we've been up there a few hours. I have said to him a few times before that she is causing problems in our relationship but he doesn't do anything about it. I like that he is caring towards his mother but on the other hand its a little too much especially as she doesn't appreciate it and he would put her before me, I feel a little second best.


We have only been intimate twice since the start of the year. It wasn't great last year either and I tried to spice things up by buying sexy underwear and fun games neither of which were used in the end. He will however watch porn when I am not there which annoys me because he can use that but can't make the effort with me. He will even call me mate, never honey or love or anything like that, he's not very attentive.

He is messy and will leave me to do the majority of the house work, I have raised this issue before and even written out a list of all the chores that need to be done and told him to pick out half that he wanted to do and I would do the rest. He never bothered even looking at the list.

There are other niggles here and there, all issues that I have raised and he has not made an effort to change. I am thinking of ending it with him when he gets back, I wanted to do it face to face rather than over the phone or by email. I feel like a bitch doing it though because he is looking forward to getting back. I just know I can't handle a lifetime of his mum and the older she gets the more help she will need, his messyness grates on me as I am quite tidy and don't like feeling like I am being taken for granted and I don't like the lack of intimacy as I am in my mid-20's, surely sex shoud be regular and great at this age?! I know I should have worked all this out before but I think its because he has been away I have had a bit of time and space to think and with marriage looming it has forced me to think can I put up with this forever.

I have spoken to my close friends and they have asked if he says he will change will I give it another go. I don't think I would because I've talked to him about it before and some of it does change for a while and then reverts back to the usual. I also think he shouldn't have to change for me, that is him and if I can't love him then its my problem not his.

What do you all think?

[daisya]

It's a shame he didn't see that you were worth fighting for, if he gave up that easily and it doesn't bode well for your way of thinking then he didn't have your interests at heart as far as I can see love.

[CAJ1]

Thanks, I know I did the right thing and I know the future will hold lots more surprises - hopefully all good lol. Just need to sit and eat ice cream and chocolate till the pain goes away! xx

[tinkerbell23]

Youve so done the right thing. I guarantee in a while you will never be looking back. Its upwards from here! He just sounds way too laid back and its not what you want in life, you deserve better xxx

[Canary42]

I've been away for a bit, and as soon as I read this question tonight my reaction was "For goodness sake DUMP HIM".

Glad to see that you have - DON"T GO BACK whatever you do, he's not worth it.

[CAJ1]

Your right tinkerbell, he is way too laid back. I always wished he could try harder to show he cared about stuff. At least I've learnt what I want in my next relationship xx

Great minds think alike canary lol, I won't be going back I promise.

Have to be up at 6am for work, think i'll not be looking my best with puffy eyes from crying & black circles from tiredness!

[spassky]

I am twice your age, male, 25 years married.
Imo it is all about affection and love. You will never find a partner who does not have habits that annoy you, but he absolutely MUST put you first, above all others. Also, I would not waste another moment on someone who does not say "I love you" and call you sweetheart, darling etc. I irritate my wife, but she knows that I want her to be happy. Dont settle for less.

[Mamyalynne]

Caj you knew all along the right thing to do, to have married and started a family would have made all this much harder later on, he was not the man for you. However the man for you is out there, get yourself settled and find your soul mate then you can have the life you deserve, lots of love.

mamya

[MrsMeeagi]

I read all through this and after reading your post I thought 'I hope she dumps him'. Glad to see you actually have. You want to be his lover, not his mother. The more your telling him what to do (chores wise), the more you will feel like you are mothering a child...that mothering feeling must take over the actual adult relationship. They say a mans character is his destiny. Its true. I lived with my ex for three years, I spent my time picking up behind him and being his slave pretty much since he was too messy & lazy to tidy behind himself and I was too much of a neat freak to leave it. Can you imagine having kids with this man? More stress on top of the lack of sex, all the chores etc? Funny how he can help his mother, but not you! Its good he's there for his mum, but what about you? You need help and support too! A relationship is about two people working together as one. Not one person doing all the work and trying to make it work while the other is lazy and does nothing. You know yourself you deserve better. Good Luck x

[Sir Alec]

I went out with a Mummy's boy for 6 years and eventually got fed up with always being at the bottom of his list. After I finished the relationship, I felt amazing, like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I hadn't realized how oppressed I'd been until then. You've done the right thing.

[CAJ1]

Thanks everyone :) I feel like crap at the mo and incredibly guilty as he was crying when I left for work this morning. Going to get the keys to my new place later today, its scary starting over again lol! Just need to get my bits that I have already packed from the house and that will be me sorted. I appreciate all your advice and support xx

[sallybb]

Go for it girl, you have your whole life ahead of you, Hugs and Good Luck :0)

[mccfluff]

good luck Caz, imho i think you have done the right thing x

[rowanwitch]

Well done...
you may have to wait a bit...but you will get the one you deserve
and if he's the right one he will know he's lucky to have you...

[Ankou]

this is a warning to all those mums with boys who molly coddle them to suffocation. and you know you all do it !! i have mates who are as limp as a wet biscuit when it comes to anything that doesn't involve their mums.

he is probably getting some simpering, "she wasn't good enough for you", "told you it'll never work" etc etc from his mother. you are in the best place: out of it.

[Brinjal]

Lifetime!!!!!!! when get one go at this life. Why would you want to spend yours feeling unappreciated and second best to anyone. And you cannot change anyone. Think how difficult it is to change yourself and then realise how it is impossible to change someone else. Move on find someone who will make you happy and you can enjoy life with.