girlfriend wants abortion, i do not

[jdr6030]

I am in my late 20s and she is in her mid 20s. We have been dating for over a year and have known each other our whole lives. We both have a 4yr old little boy from previous marriages. They are great together and we all get along like a family. We both agreed we wanted to take things slow and do things rite this time around aftercoming out of bad marriages to bad people. We are in love and love each others families. Earlier this week she found out she was pregnant. We were both in shock and Didn plan on this happening now. She is now bringing up, and pretty well decided on aborting due to timing and family and our children we have already. The problem enlies that I do not feel the same. My son was the best thing that ever happened to me and he was not.planned either. With my first child abortion was tried to be forced on us and now makes me sick to think it crossed anyones mind.
I understand and express the same concerns of the situation, but I could never kill my baby no matter the circumstances. Especially not with a women I really love.
She says its not good timing and not fair to our sons and families. I feel that it is an easy way out instead of taking responsibility. I also believe she will deeply regret it and I don think it will ever be the same w us after. I was not expecting this from her. We have discussed both of our feelings and she is still persistent on terminating. I love children and although I Didn want one now, I did want more children.
Plz give me some advice or insight.

[pizza]

Sorry jdr I never meant to insinuate you weren't supportive.
It is from experience a very difficult decision and the what ifs and the what might have beens dont ever go away.
This will be one (if not the) most difficult things you will both go through whatever decision is made and I really truly feel for you both x

[jdr6030]

Thank everyone so much for the input. Much needed and helpful, thank you.

[Clanad]

The ill-kept secret of how abortion affects women's health is well documented. Here, in the U.S. a study of the medical records of 56,741 California medicaid patients revealed that women who had abortions were 160 percent more likely than delivering women to be hospitalized for psychiatric treatment in the first 90 days following abortion or delivery. Rates of psychiatric treatment remained significantly higher for at least four years. (Source: Bereavement in Post-Abortive Women: A Clinical Report”, World Journal of Psychosynthesis (Autumn-Winter 1981), vol.13,nos.3-4.)


Additionally, A 5 year retrospective study in two Canadian provinces found significantly greater use of medical and psychiatric services among aborted women. Most significant was the finding that 25% of aborted women made visits to psychiatrists as compared to 3% of the control group. Women who have had abortions are significantly more likely than others to subsequently require admission to a psychiatric hospital. At especially high risk are teenagers, separated or divorced women, and women with a history of more than one abortion. (Source: Badgley, et.al.,Report of the Committee on the Operation of the Abortion Law (Ottawa:Supply and Services, 1977)pp.313-321.)

Look, we've had friends here that aborted and without fail, the decision drastically affects both the man and woman, but is doubly troubling to the mother... sometimes resulting in suicide attempt... The waiting list of adoptive parents is yards long... just as in the U.S., most sources say there are many, many more people in the U.K. waiting for babies than there are babies to be adopted...

[jdr6030]

Great info! One of my greatest worries is that I know her very well, and I do not think she will deal with this decision very well after its done. I am very worried for her as well.

[beso]

Clanard //women who had abortions were 160 percent more likely than delivering women to be hospitalized for psychiatric treatment in the first 90 days following abortion or delivery//

This study is not a randomised trial (for obvious reasons). It does not prove causation of psychiatric problems from abortions. It may well be that a woman with a tendency to psychiatric illness is more likely to decide on an abortion.

There are many variable that can affect both the liklihood of choosing an abortion and the liklihood of seeking psychiatric help.

For examle a woman who becomes pregnant without a committed partner is probably more likely to choose an abortion. She may well be affected by the nature of the circumstances that caused the pregnancy. A woman falls pregant and a vicitm of rape (far more common than would be calculated by reported rapes) would be more likely to choose an abortion and definitely more likely to require psychiatric help.

[Clanad]

Beso, you'd do well to check all the available sources and understand this is a serious problem with those that choose this course of action... Arguing the validity of the mountains of documentation helps no one...

[joko]

maybe you could encourage her to see a cousellor...if she cant talk to someone she knows, just someone neutral to talk to who wont try to force her to go one way or the other

at least that way, whatver happens you will know she had thought it through thoroughly...

speak yo your gp, they will be able to refer you to a counsellor

[atalanta]

The statistics quoted above about women suffering psychiatric problems after an abortion have long been known to be bogus. They were debunked many years ago. It has been shown more recently that a chosen abortion does not have a deleterious effect on a woman's mental state. On the contrary, she is most likely to experience relief, not guilt or shame. It is far more likely that a woman will suffer if she loses a wanted baby by a natural miscarriage. Problem is that medics call an early miscarriage an "abortion", whether it was induced or not, so the statistics end up meaningless.

[Clanad]

I would expect atalanta, that the abortion issue is just as highly politicized in the U.K. as it is here in the U.S. That said, there is study upon study going back 30 to 40 years that clearly document the deleterious effects on women in many areas of their lives of such a choice. To argue that they are bogus simply flies in the face of the evidence and says more about your political stance on the subject than facing the evidence.
It also flies in the face of credulity that a woman... any woman, isn't going to be affected by a decision to kill her baby... a decision that she participates in will be a shadow she'll deal with one way or another the rest of her life... It never goes away...

[beso]

Clanad // Beso, you'd do well to check all the available sources and understand this is a serious problem with those that choose this course of action... Arguing the validity of the mountains of documentation helps no one... //

You would do well to learn about the basics of statistical significance and the criteria they need to meet in order to make any claim of causality. The implications you make from what you posted are rubbish.

Like so much in science, you imagine you know a lot more than you really do.

[beso]

And of course you own political leanings would not come into it at all. @@

[NoMercy]

Try telling her how happy the pregnancy has made you and how you have dreamed of the day you would have a baby together. May be her desire not to proceed with the pregnancy stems from a fear that you are not committed.

[boxtops]

Jdr, if you are going to take up the idea of counselling, make sure that between you you choose a clinic which is unbiased - some of the abortion counselling services are run by pro-life organisations, which do everything they can to talk her out of doing it. For me, that fact that you were using contraception but it failed shows that the time is just not right for your lady to be having a baby at the moment - if she wanted one, she wouldn't have been trying to prevent it. Maybe you need to go to the counselling too, in the kindest way, to come to grips with the fact that your lady truly does not want another child at this particular time, and she has to make her decisions very soon. She can only just be pregnant if she only found out this week? - so tbh anything could happen, a lot of pregnancies never make it past the first couple of months, wanted or not.
If she decides to stick to her guns and go ahead, for the sake of your future relationship you will have to accept this - and bite your lip not to keep referring to it in future, however hurt you feel about her decision. It has to be her decision.