my daughter has said her boyfriend has just told her he is a PAN

kia cat | 07:26 Sun 15th Jan 2012 | Relationships & Dating

26 Answers

This isn't a wind up, so what the heck is Pan [to do with his sexuality] Does it mean he "wants" both male and female? How does that differ from bi-sexual?
I'm clearly way too old to understand all this!

Thanks, Mr Kia [my plate is too full of stuff at the moment!] - cat ♥

Worried about my Dad

FAO Sqad....a question for you sir

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andrew666

Best Answer

A pansexual is someone who is gender blind. We are normally attracted to someone through a number of signifiers, some might be biological eg breasts (possibly because of imprinted memories of early suckling), sometimes physical associations eg lace, leather or sometimes psychological associations eg dominant or submissive personality, warm smile,...

07:34 Sun 15th Jan 2012

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kia cat

Question Author

It's a two year relationship, both in their late teens [him 20 this year, her 19]. Now he no longer "loves" her. His feminine side is beginning to take over more and more; [concentrating on looks, hair and make-up]. Have told her she's better off without him, better to know now rather than later etc. She won't end the relationship because she is so in love with him, but doesn't like what he's turning into. We now have to stand back and get ready to catch the pieces. And please no more pan jokes & puns; thanks

albaqwerty

just wanted to pop in and give you and Mrs Kia a cyber hug. You have got it from all directions you poor love. Hope your daughter will come through this OK. I/m sure she will.

missnemesis

Hi kia. Hope you and your daughter are doing ok.

Speaking as a mum I know how sh!tty it can be when you know that someone isn't right for your daughter but there's nothing you can do about it, knowing it's going to end in tears, and it's going to be theirs.

Without trying to be patronising, being only 19 and having been in a two year relationship does not leave much room for becoming 'worldly wise' as it were and I think that dealing with a partner's pansexuality at her age is probably a bridge too far. She loves him and is desperate to hang onto that love but chances are she's going to get hurt and he's going to use his sexuality, pan or otherwise, to justify his behaviour.

Is it possible that you or your partner (if applicable) could talk to him about what's going on? Perhaps his 'branching out' with hair, make up etc is a sign that HE needs to move on. Maybe he could be the one to take responsibility for ending things so that he can go and experiment/fulfil his sexual needs without leaving your daughter hurt in the process. It'll be distressing for her in the beginning but long term it's probably the better option.

Just my tuppence worth, please feel free to ignore :-)

Good luck.

albaqwerty

^^^^ very well said Missnemesis

I'm a mother of 19 and 18 year old boys and would hate to think either of them could put any girlfriend through any pain.

missnemesis

Morning alba, hope all is well with you and yours.

We went through a rough time last year with our eldest daughter. She had been in a 7 year relationship which, for the last year or so, seemed to be a complete misery (for her not him, he did what he liked, she stayed home and worried).

They both needed to let it go and move on but would she see it?

Eventually, more out of selfishness than altruism, he moved out leaving her gutted. A few months later she can now see what an idiot he is and that she deserves much better.

As her mum I knew that all along of course ;-)