My Friends Husband

[bellazella]

Is such a selfish prat, my friend has just found out she is expecting again, and has had some difficulties over one of her pregnancies, in fact she lost the baby, stillborn at 6months, she was really tired, and i said you can have a lie in tomorrow as you are not working, she said her husband does not do mornings, also he smokes most of his dole money away, and hasnt really tried that much to stop,she said to him we cant afford for you to smoke and it falls on deaf ears, she is such a lovely person, has a image problem and has said to me, that he had a brief affair, she forgave him, but she does not like to be alone, i feel like he uses her, but its her life, but i want to shake her and tell her she is better than that, any suggestions?

[MarkRae]

Stay out of it - it's none of your business...

[bellazella]

I will

[Sqad]

Very simple..........she divorces him OR accepts the status quo.

[China Doll]

Well we never truly knows what goes on behind closed doors anyway: but for arguments sake, if we say everything is just as you say then I would be inclined to think that she's a prat for putting up with it and for thinking it's a good idea to bring a baby in to the situation, just a counter point of view more than anything.

Ultimately I agree it's not your business how she decides to live her life, all you can do is be a mate.

[andy-hughes]

All you can do is be there to listen to her.

My experiencce as a Samaritan counsellor for three years taught me that the original premise on which the organisation was founded is a sound one -

people do not always want a solution found for them. What they do want is for someone to listen in a non-judgemental and supportive way while they put their thoughts in order by speaking them out loud, and then they can work their way towards their own conclusion.

So as her friend, your role is to listen, and only listen. Phrases like "He doesn't deserve you ..." or "If i were you ..." may be going through your mind, but that is the place for them - not out of your mouth into her ears.

In an ideal world, we would stop our friends from hurting when we can see a solution, and it appears that they can't - but it never has been an ideal world, so we have to work with what we are given - two ears, and just one mouth.

[bellazella]

Thank you andy

[Sqad]

bella my love, 99 % of posts, similar to yours on Body and Soul and Relationship and Dating is about the wife not happy with the attitude of their husband. 1% of posts is about the husband not happy with the attitude of their wives.

This is a female problem.

The post of andy -hughes is well though out and is indeed the stock answer to these problems, but what we don't know is how many marriages are salvaged by this advice............few I fear.

The answer to these problems will always be sorted out between the husband and wife and very rarely by a third party.

This opinion of mine is not the popular one, but it is mine based on years of surveying the situations.

[bellazella]

Agree sqad, one day she will wake up and smell the coffee

[craft1948]

Surprisingly I agree with sqad..................I got involved in a similar situation years ago, and it ended up with the wife, whom I'd supported, turning on me............never again would I get involved.

[jomifl]

Never take sides in affairs of the heart (or marriage). It just makes another loser.

[Infomaniac]

Anything you might say to support her, which implies any sort of criticism of her husband, may come back to haunt you and spoil your friendship with her.

[Smowball]

I feel sorry for your friend, he doesnt sound very helpful

[boxtops]

Stay out of it, bella. Not your business.

[bellazella]

Boxtops got the message already

[DTCwordfan]

Good, bellazella.

However, it is not easy to practice but you must not opine; provide a rock for her, yes. That is being a good friend.

[bellazella]

Thanks Dt, will listen

[DTCwordfan]

Remember "open" questions are so important, the "what, why, how", type to let her explore and the occasional "So what you are saying is...." to summarise is useful and then "So what do you think the next steps are" type questions are good for her to help her reach conclusions and actions....

[redcliffe]

Smoking could affect the baby in the womb and could affect health when baby comes along.However it is very hard to give smoking-a point not appreciated by non smokers. Also, it must be even harder to give up if you are on the dole-possibly with no immediate prospects.For the moment best to be friendly to the husband and encourage him to visit his doctor or clinic-to help give up.May be the money saved could be put to enjoyable use for both of them.
They can and will help and it will be free of charge.

[grasscarp]

It is difficult being a friend sometimes. One lady I know keeps going back to a man who doesnt really want her but she would rather have someone than nobody. I know that she will soon be in "I fell terrible. X has dumped me again" mode, and it is impossible to say. Stop. He is never going to change he doesnt want you. We have to stand by and watch other people live their lives in ways that we would not tolerate. Like everyone else has said, just be there for her.

[bellazella]

Thanks guys, redcliffe he is not the kind of chap to go to a clinic sadly