Handling son's rude girlfriend?

[Winterdaisey]

How should I treat my 20 yr old son's girlfriend's rude comments? I feel like calmly telling my son that his girlfriend is no longer welcomed in my home. I have excused her twice before and this time she said it behind my back and heard it from others later on. I just feel like I don't need to put up with it anymore. I would like to let her have it verbally but i don't want to risk my son's relationship with us.

[Therema]

you gotta speak to your son, you certainly dont have to put up with this, is your son serious about her ? as in are they planning on getting engaged / married ? if not then go for it, but be tactful in how you put it across, good luck hun

[trt]

What is she saying Daisey,

need more info.

[Winterdaisey]

Ok here's what happened:

1- I asked my son if he knew where a particular street was and he responded by asking for the address. I said i only needed to know if it was south or north of another street. We went back and forth and me telling him I didn't understand, She looked at me and quickly growled and said "I'm leaving before I kill someone", then went to kiss him goodbye and left. My son didn't hear her as she was sitting near me. I stood there with my jaws about to drop not knowing what to say as I couldn't believe it. I told my son what she said and he told me I must of misunderstood. He brought it up to her and she expressed feeling bad about it and she didn't mean it to come out that way and how i must hate her, and began to cry. He rellayed the message to me and I decided to bite my tongue for his sake and i put it behind me.

2- Another time my husband made a joke about somthing someone said on TV and asked her about it, she just lifted her head from the sofa pillow and looked at him like he was a martian and left him feeling stupid, turned away and laid back down on our sofa.

3- On Thanksgiving day my husband could not be at home as he was called away on business and my sons had to take over the task of cutting the turkey. As my son's tackled the task we were all having a good time watching and at one point I got up to answer the phone. While I was gone, I was told she said "that's what happens when parents shelter their kids so much, they don't even know how to cut a turkey". I told my son about it and he said he didn't know why she'd say something like that. He told me he talked to her about it and apologized to him and again cried about it to him. That's where we are at this point.

Now I know these are not earth shattering comments, but I don't feel she cares how she makes us feel.

[bednobs]

i have to disagree withthe above answers, dont talk to your son, talk to the girl at the time it is happening. You can ask her what she means by it or if she could stop looking at you in that way, but dont let it fester then expect your son to intervene, if its a prob between you and her, act like an adult and sort it yourself!

[ilsonchick]

is your son happy with her? Are you trying hard enough to make her feel happy and welcome in your family? I have this same problem but the other way round, my boyfriends parents make comments about me and make me feel like crap...i was told on here to hold my head high and just keep on being overly nice to make them have to be nice to me..

good luck but im sorry to say if your sons happy then what can you do? Be the adult and sit her down saying how upset it makes you feel when she makes these petty comments.

[Bbbananas]

LOL at no-knowledge - have just caught up with this thread!

[Le Chat]

I think she may have a peculiar and/or particular sense of humor, coupled with the arrogance of youth.
She may be one of those people who takes a long time to get to know and when you do get to know her, you will understand her ways.
Perhaps you can give this some time. I know as a 20yr old myself (24 yrs ago) I used to manage to say the wrong thing and was a bit pouty and clever! However, a person who views the world the same way at 40 as they did at 20, has wasted 20 yrs!
If however, she continues to offend you, then I think the best bet is to have a word with her when your son isn't around and see what she says.

[Jafi]

I agree with bednobs, you need to talk to her. Don't bring your son in as the go between.
Next time she does it make it very clear that you are offended by what she's doing or saying, you don't need to be nasty, but get straight to the point.

Hopefully she'll get the message.

[saxy_jag]

Have you thought about why she is like this? Maybe she's from a family where such responses to her own actions and comments are the order of the day. Perhaps she just doesn't know how to behave around you all. Could be you're a little over-sensitive, or it could be that because her own family speak to each other like this, she thinks yours does too.

My daughter in law and I used to tiptoe around each other like a pair of feral cats, me always wondering whether my remarks were going to upset her. Five years on, however, we get along just great and are more like mates than mother and daughter-in-law. Looking back, I can see how difficult she must have found being among us. We're a somewhat liberal, outspoken and 'loud' family and I can see how easy it would be to feel overwhelmed with us if you're a bit on the shy or quiet side. On the other hand, she is from a fairly conservative Nottinghamshire mining family - lovely people, but with rather stricter values than ours. Now that she's found out we're not going to tut disapproval at some of her more wild behaviour - a side of her that we love - we're all able to get along really well.

Clear the ground. Explain that some of the things she says upset you, and tell her why. Tell her that your family don't talk to each other like that and that you find it hard to accept. Then give her a chance to say why what it is you do and say that upsets her and causes her to make such comments. Try to find some middle ground for your son's sake or you will lose him.

[lil75]

I wouldnt put up with it, I would pull her straight away, but in a way that would belittle her, but maintain your dignity and get some respect off of her...short sharp shock is what she needs!

[Cinnabon]

I think she is rude.
I would think of it this way.
Would you tolerate the same behaviour from a friend?
If the answer is no, then why tolerate ir from her?

[Winterdaisey]

Thank you all for the great responses. You've given me alot to think about.

I sat down with my son and calmly told him that what she said offended my husband and me and that I didn't want to continue being a punching bag for her. I told him I wasn't angry at him for he had done nothing wrong. But I asked him to let her know she offended all of us and that in the future we expect her to treat us with the same dignity and kindness we show her.

He agreed and told me that if by chance she says something offensive to us again, to put her in her place right then and there. Imagine that! let's hope she doesn't ruffle our feathers again...

[Winterdaisey]

For the record, my concern in handling this situation was how my son would handle me giving his gf a piece of my mind. I have seen families torn apart when parents had problems with their son's/daughters significant others and I didn't want that. I wanted to hear how any of you would handle it without ruining your relationship with your son. Thank you to those who did.

[lilacben]

Hi Daisy, I have a friend that is alwas saying ,how shall I put it, off things .. But the funny thing is she doesn't really know she is doing it.. Maybe this girl is the same sort of person. Next time it happens I would say something if I was you otherwise you will get more and more annoyed with her just waiting for her to say or do something.Keep in touch and let us know how things go. x

[kayd1961]

Our son's is 27 and we are not fond of his girlfriend. She always makes fun of things at our house, criticizes our son in front of us or criticizes the way we do things. I consider this very rude behavior and cannot stand to see our son criticized. She always criticizes or makes fun of something in a laughing way. We always try to be polite to her and show her respect. I want to say something to my son about how she behaves but I am also afraid of losing him. I just don't know how to handle this.