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The Answerbank Radio Show - Episode 8
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In the village of Answerbank Under The Wold (twinned with Dogger Bank, North Sea) the village pub was packed to the rafters. The four lap dancers, Starbuck, Kiki, ttfn and Ann86 had been summonsed there for a meeting with the absentee club owner Zacsmaster, who they had never actually met. In the snug, the village fete committee were holding a meeting, and the newly formed village book reading group were sitting by the fire. Gness the barmaid was run off her feet. She had instructed her underling, Jan57 to empty the beer slop trays. Jan had done so with enthusiasm and was now draped across the end of the bar snoring gently. Gness's new found friend Murraymints had pitched in to lend a hand.
The fete committee was chaired by the Squire's sisters, Lady Alex & Lady Janine, aided by their trusty retainer, Lieinking.
"First item on the agenda is the coconut shy which Mick Talbot has kindly offered to run" said Lady Janine.
"Not likely" snorted Mrs AYG. "Last year he superglued the coconuts down. The poor kiddies never stood a chance."
Over by the fire, a miserable looking SunnyDave was having a hard time chairing the book reading group.
"I suggest we start with a book by Charles ("call me Chuck") Fickens. His new book Olivia Twist is good and he is local after all."
"Nah" said Ms Craft. "He writes for Mills & Boon. I don't want slush, I want raunchiness and detailed sex scenes."
"The Daily Mail is the only read you will ever need" grumbled a small voice from the corner. "We could all bring our own highlighter pens."
The village idiot Baza piped up. "What about the Beano? It's got pictures in it?"
The room suddenly fell quiet as in strode a stranger. His dress sense could be described as "1970's New York Pimp". He fixed a beady eye on the four lapdancers who began to quake.
"Ah, my nubile lapdancers I presume. I knew I should never have left DT as manager. I told him I only took on under 25's and you lot must be drawing your pensions. You are all fired."
A collective gasp went round the room. In a rare display of chivalry, Tonyav piped up "You can't talk to these ladies like this."
Zacsmaster adjusted his rhinestone studded sunglasses and stared at Tonyav. "And pray tell me why I should take advice from a transvestite?"
Tonyav blushed and looked away. Since his unfortunate accident with the scalding coffee and the subsequent ministration by the kindly faced but barking mad McFluff who had insisted that cat flea powder was good for scalds, Tony had taken to wearing a skirt as trousers were too uncomfortable.
Murraymints (World Female Wresting Champion 1984) strode out from behind the bar and tackled Zacs. Using a Triple Pike with Salsa, she had Zacs on the floor screaming for mercy in less than a second. Tonyav slyly aimed a kick at the prostrate Zacs, missed all fleshy bits and broke his toe when he struck Zacs hip bone.
Pandemonium erupted in the pub. Blows were exchanged, glasses were hurled. Several villagers joined in enthusiastically while others cowered in their seats. Several joined Alba the village alcoholic who was in her regular spot under a table.
All activity suddenly ceased as Humbersloop burst into the pub and screamed "I need help, there has been a terrible accident."
(cue theme music as episode ends)
The fete committee was chaired by the Squire's sisters, Lady Alex & Lady Janine, aided by their trusty retainer, Lieinking.
"First item on the agenda is the coconut shy which Mick Talbot has kindly offered to run" said Lady Janine.
"Not likely" snorted Mrs AYG. "Last year he superglued the coconuts down. The poor kiddies never stood a chance."
Over by the fire, a miserable looking SunnyDave was having a hard time chairing the book reading group.
"I suggest we start with a book by Charles ("call me Chuck") Fickens. His new book Olivia Twist is good and he is local after all."
"Nah" said Ms Craft. "He writes for Mills & Boon. I don't want slush, I want raunchiness and detailed sex scenes."
"The Daily Mail is the only read you will ever need" grumbled a small voice from the corner. "We could all bring our own highlighter pens."
The village idiot Baza piped up. "What about the Beano? It's got pictures in it?"
The room suddenly fell quiet as in strode a stranger. His dress sense could be described as "1970's New York Pimp". He fixed a beady eye on the four lapdancers who began to quake.
"Ah, my nubile lapdancers I presume. I knew I should never have left DT as manager. I told him I only took on under 25's and you lot must be drawing your pensions. You are all fired."
A collective gasp went round the room. In a rare display of chivalry, Tonyav piped up "You can't talk to these ladies like this."
Zacsmaster adjusted his rhinestone studded sunglasses and stared at Tonyav. "And pray tell me why I should take advice from a transvestite?"
Tonyav blushed and looked away. Since his unfortunate accident with the scalding coffee and the subsequent ministration by the kindly faced but barking mad McFluff who had insisted that cat flea powder was good for scalds, Tony had taken to wearing a skirt as trousers were too uncomfortable.
Murraymints (World Female Wresting Champion 1984) strode out from behind the bar and tackled Zacs. Using a Triple Pike with Salsa, she had Zacs on the floor screaming for mercy in less than a second. Tonyav slyly aimed a kick at the prostrate Zacs, missed all fleshy bits and broke his toe when he struck Zacs hip bone.
Pandemonium erupted in the pub. Blows were exchanged, glasses were hurled. Several villagers joined in enthusiastically while others cowered in their seats. Several joined Alba the village alcoholic who was in her regular spot under a table.
All activity suddenly ceased as Humbersloop burst into the pub and screamed "I need help, there has been a terrible accident."
(cue theme music as episode ends)
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