Why Can't We Deal With Shop Lifting?
News1 min ago
The Answerbank Radio Show - Episode 14
30 Answers
In the village of Answerbank Under the Wold (twinned with Muff,Ireland), the villagers gathered outside the new shop all winced at the sound of screeching metal. Tonyav was heading towards them,gamely dragging the condom machine in which his hand was trapped, which he had ripped from the wall in the gents toilet in the pub.
"I told you I would meet you here for the grand opening" he grinned gamely at Murray"The Mauler" Mints.
Murray had made an effort for her date with Tony. Unaccustomed to wearing make up, her attempt could only be described as "Make Up Applied During an Earth Tremor by a Visually Impaired Three Year Old." She burst into tears causing rivulets of mascara and foundation to run down her homely face and lodge in some of the scars.
"Condoms?" she sobbed, causing her cauliflower ears to wobble. "Do you think I am that type of girl?"
A furious Gness rounded on Tony. "You've nicked my condom machine, damaged my wall AND upset my friend." She swung her handbag in the general direction of Tony's head. Unfortunately the weight of the handbag, which contained several emergency cans of Guinness caused the handle to snap. The body of the bag sailed passed Tony's head and crashed through the window of the shop.
"Oi you" screeched Towie as she grabbed Gness by the hair "the effing shop isn't even open yet. You've ruined me moment." Deesa joined in and aimed a kick at Gness's shins.
Within seconds, the high street had turned into a mass brawl as the villagers joined in to rescue Gness from the outsiders,and settle old scores amongst themselves.
Standing slightly away from the melee was China Doll. Seeing that Craft was busily engaged in biting Mick Talbot's ankle, she slipped away to the shop cum post office, beckoning Marval to join her.
"I know Craft has been good to me, taking me in as a lodger, but there is a mystery I need to solve and I need your help" said China. "There is a room in the basement that is locked, has loads of padlocks on the door,and there is a funny smell coming from it. You are good at opening things."
"I usually only do safes" said Marval, "but I am game for anything".
The two women crept into the shop cum post office and into the basement.
"Can you smell it?" whispered China.
Marval suddenly remembered the mysterious, unexplained disappearance of Mr Craft number 7 some months earlier,and recoiled from the door.
"I don't know about this" she murmured.
Just then both women jumped at the sound of approaching sirens. and with a look of mutual understanding, fled up the stairs and out of the back door.
(cue theme music as episode ends)
"I told you I would meet you here for the grand opening" he grinned gamely at Murray"The Mauler" Mints.
Murray had made an effort for her date with Tony. Unaccustomed to wearing make up, her attempt could only be described as "Make Up Applied During an Earth Tremor by a Visually Impaired Three Year Old." She burst into tears causing rivulets of mascara and foundation to run down her homely face and lodge in some of the scars.
"Condoms?" she sobbed, causing her cauliflower ears to wobble. "Do you think I am that type of girl?"
A furious Gness rounded on Tony. "You've nicked my condom machine, damaged my wall AND upset my friend." She swung her handbag in the general direction of Tony's head. Unfortunately the weight of the handbag, which contained several emergency cans of Guinness caused the handle to snap. The body of the bag sailed passed Tony's head and crashed through the window of the shop.
"Oi you" screeched Towie as she grabbed Gness by the hair "the effing shop isn't even open yet. You've ruined me moment." Deesa joined in and aimed a kick at Gness's shins.
Within seconds, the high street had turned into a mass brawl as the villagers joined in to rescue Gness from the outsiders,and settle old scores amongst themselves.
Standing slightly away from the melee was China Doll. Seeing that Craft was busily engaged in biting Mick Talbot's ankle, she slipped away to the shop cum post office, beckoning Marval to join her.
"I know Craft has been good to me, taking me in as a lodger, but there is a mystery I need to solve and I need your help" said China. "There is a room in the basement that is locked, has loads of padlocks on the door,and there is a funny smell coming from it. You are good at opening things."
"I usually only do safes" said Marval, "but I am game for anything".
The two women crept into the shop cum post office and into the basement.
"Can you smell it?" whispered China.
Marval suddenly remembered the mysterious, unexplained disappearance of Mr Craft number 7 some months earlier,and recoiled from the door.
"I don't know about this" she murmured.
Just then both women jumped at the sound of approaching sirens. and with a look of mutual understanding, fled up the stairs and out of the back door.
(cue theme music as episode ends)
Answers
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In my case, I am glad (i) no tomatoes were involved as they are just soooooooo squishy and (ii) my sheep were not involved, well all but one, the Ram and he loves a good melée.
They say it began with a man called Tony
Condom machine on his shanks pony.
They say another, gness, who prefers her toilets and bar
without a another's fingerprints
and Stop. From there, they say, curses
hissed through dentures. From there, hair and fists.
They say it was a high street fracas, knocked bifocals
and clattering ankles, the wooden screech
of chair legs, some to break up the scuffle
and some to shuffle off on a bad knee,
or pinned Loftie hip, or pace-makered heart.
One is bitten, they say. Towie wears
a bibble cut across her forehead, blood flowing
down the Sloopy canals of her tenrec wrinkles.
Next day's the same old same old,
as they say. Back to the quiet Village swing
of living without velocity or fire.
Shuffleboard, Gin and Pinochle, the dull
click of knitting Eccles needles, their final
gray years going redman-viagra limp. Or so they say.
Marval and China mysteriously in the cellar
Sex in there or craft #7 putrified interstellar?
They say it began with a man called Tony
Condom machine on his shanks pony.
They say another, gness, who prefers her toilets and bar
without a another's fingerprints
and Stop. From there, they say, curses
hissed through dentures. From there, hair and fists.
They say it was a high street fracas, knocked bifocals
and clattering ankles, the wooden screech
of chair legs, some to break up the scuffle
and some to shuffle off on a bad knee,
or pinned Loftie hip, or pace-makered heart.
One is bitten, they say. Towie wears
a bibble cut across her forehead, blood flowing
down the Sloopy canals of her tenrec wrinkles.
Next day's the same old same old,
as they say. Back to the quiet Village swing
of living without velocity or fire.
Shuffleboard, Gin and Pinochle, the dull
click of knitting Eccles needles, their final
gray years going redman-viagra limp. Or so they say.
Marval and China mysteriously in the cellar
Sex in there or craft #7 putrified interstellar?
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