The Outsider's CV

[sunny-dave]

Born : Nigel Lego Nobsworth - Dull, Perthshire 1966

Father : Gordon Bennett - travelling laxative salesman

Mother : Sheila Sweels - insurance salewoman

< Gordon was passing through (ahem) Tayside and happened upon the comely Sheila at a local Highland Games, where she was the winner of the 'tossing the farmer' competition (cabers were in short supply that year) - she seemed equally adept with salesmen >

Education : Weem Primary

Pitlochry Academy for the Sons of Indigent Gentlefolk - Highers in Knitting, Carp Handling and Norwegian.

University of CU (Jimi) : BSc Applied Ralgex

SadBastardBank-in-the-Mire Academy : PhD (distance learning) - "101 ways to Mask Your IP Address"


Nigel had always had an ambition to be a doctor, actually it was more of an infatuation with rubber boots and he thought being a surgeon might just be a better career choice than lavatory attendant. "Funny how life turns out" he often thought, whilst swabbing the Gents at Morecambe Pier.


Married #1 : 1991 Juanita Filipina

Divorced #1 : 1992 - the hapless Nigel seems to have been the victim of a cruel deception - his wife appears not to have been a compliant and adoring young Pacific Islander and was eventually exposed as Shiraz Fakeboob from Easterhouse.

Married #2 : 1998 Prosecco 'Fizzy' Bounça


Career Highlights :

Winner of "Best Presented Park Home called Thistledome" - Costa del Bootle 2001

Runner-Up : Carp of the Week - Glen Goolie 2002


Last Post :

Resident Comedian - SadBastardBank-in-the-Mire Working Mens Club
Required to don numerous disguises (all sadly transparent) and move around a lot to make the place look as though it was a going concern.

Once a popular (if controversial) figure in the Working Mens Club of AnswerBank-on-the-Wold - his trademark quip of "My Jaguar is considerably better than yours" was often heard around closing time - Nobsworth cuts rather a sad figure these days.

Trudging from village to village selling copies of "The Bog Issue", with only his faithful goat 'Trotter' at his side, he can often be seen with his nose pressed against the window of the AB WMC muttering "Infamy, Infamy, they've all got it ..."


© wonkileaks 2012 with due credit to HTH services where appropriate