teenagers!!!

[SEXY67]

Hi, can anyone please help? i am a single parent with a 15 year old son, he has good manners which people have always commented on, but over the last few months he has become arguementative, he back chats me, and he is moody quite a lot, but at others times he can be really loving, i work and always provide him with the latest fashions and gadgets to a certain extent, but there just seems to be no pleasing him at the moment, i fel as if i am nagging at him al the time which is getting us both down, Has anyone else been in this situation, he has me in tears at times, any advice would be welcome, By the way he doesnt smoke and i know he doesnt take drugs, Thanks in advance for your comments.

[WaldoMcFroog]

Sorry, but this sounds like a textbook example of 'Puberty' to me! He's reached a point where he's on the cusp of being an adult and as such is seeking to gain greater control over his life. What you can do is try and negotiate with him. If he wants to stay out until midnight, insist on 11 and make it clear that if he proves to be responsible and trustworthy, you'll allow him more control. You need to insist on boundaries still - don't just let him off the leash. It's give and take.

Allow him to understand why you have fears and let him see that you're just trying to do your best and are not perfect. The more he can appreciate you as a human being, the more accomodating he's likely to be in return.

For your part, you are going to have to learn that he is no longer a child and you need to accept his needs are changing. That's a lot easier for me to type than it is for you to do, I appreciate. Try and remember how you felt when you were a teenager; don't rationalise it in light of your subsequent experience; these feelings are all consuming right now and it won't feel to him as thought they're going to change.

Most importantly, try not to take it too personally - we all go thorugh this to some extent. He's awash with chemicals that are changing his body and his desires and it's very confusing. When he comes outside of the other side of this, he'll realise how his behaviour affected you, but it won't happen now.

[Englishbird]

totally agree, he's 15 - I was a very well behaved child, absolutely VILE between 14-17 and then became a nice adult. I made my mum cry on a weekly basis for about a year, I felt the whole world was against me and absolutely no-one understood anything.

As Waldo says, don't just give in, although it can be a fight, this is when he is learning to be an adult, and learning about compromise. Check that nothing specific is bothering him - being bullied etc, that you may be able to help him with, and that he knows that if anything happens he can come and talk to you. Try writing it down if verbal communication has stopped. But otherwise i'm afraid you have to ride the storm for a while. good luck x

[maggie01]

Sounds like a normal teenager. My grandson is 15 and my daughter is saying exactly the same as you. Sometimes it is one big battlefield in her house. It will pass, not for a few years yet but it will pass.

[Robinia]

I'm nodding in agreement & having flashbacks too!! I was on my own with two sons & went through it all & survived. People used to stop me in the street to tell me how lovely & well mannered they were & yet somehow at the front door they turned into a monster!!

You have to remember that, however much it hurts, your son is using you to let off all the pent up steam that he can't let off with anyone else. Deep down I'm sure he doesn't want to upset you - he knows that you love him & won't react the way an outsider would at a mouthful of cheek.

As Waldo says don't give him too much freedom - I know from experience that they really don't know how to handle it. You have to make a firm decision & stick with it over things like times to be home. Don't change your mind, even if you think you've been too strict. You can always expand next time - that way you both know where you are with each other.

There are no magical answers I'm afraid. You will get through it & one day you will look at your grown up young man, who has become your good friend, and be very proud. I am. Good luck x

[lady_p_gold]

As soon as mine hit that age he transformed overnight into 'Kevin'. I went through hell for a few years until he finally left home. Then one night I rang him and he said 'can I call you back I am watching Panorama'. That is when I knew he had transformed back into a normal human being and he now has a home and mortgage and is a respectable member of the community !!!

[Loosehead]

yes reminds me of the lad of 15 who's parents knew absolutely nothing, when he reached 25 he was amazed at how much mum and dad had learnt in the last 10 years!

[LATECOMER]

Hi Sexy67. My son is also 15 years old and you descibed him perfectly!!!! Welcome to the club, it's good to know i'm not alone.

[Typhoid]

I agree with the puberty theory, my "ickle" bro was an absolute pain at that age! REALLY sweet and loving one moment and yelling and arguing the next, just part of growing up :-/ good luck!!

[SEXY67]

Thankyou to everyone for your answers, much appreciated, you have given me something to work on and i know i can move forward and work with my son to get us through this.

[supanova]

It's not a project to be worked on! Give the poor lad some space. He's trying to manage his life, deal with baffling physical and emotional changes and keep you happy. Have you forgotten what it's like to be a teenager?

Be supportive, let him know you love him and give him some space. Encourage him to talk about what he's thinking and feeling and try not to judge, nag or criticise.

At the same time, if he's being deliberately nasty to you, explain - as calmly as you can - how his behaviour is affecting you, he probably isn't even aware that he's hurting you.

Assuming it is raging hormones to blame, be as tolerant and sympathetic as you can. It will pass!