wedding proposal

[ieatbees]

Should i ask the father of the girl i want to marry for permission first, or is that no longer the done thing?

It's just that my girlfriends father is quite strict and aloof, and to be honest i've never really got on well with him.But i don't want to offend him by not doing the right thing.

so should i ask the father first?

[Octavius]

I didn't but I wish I had.

I think as aloof as he may appear, he will be delighted that you have followed this protocol.

[Lily_b]

What would you do if he says no?

Best to ask your girlfriend first and afterwards as a courtesy, one to one tell him that you have asked her to marry you and she has accepted however you feel as a courtesy you should ask for his 'blessing'.

He then doesn't feel left out, you have respected his position as her father and he realises that if he says no it doesn't matter as you will get married anyway.

Good luck. ;-)

[Octavius]

Are you suggesting, Lily_b that if he says no, that ieatbees couldn't get married to her??????!!!

I think if he was going to say no, you would already know. And besides, he will be thinking of his daughters happiness not his own spite. If you ask him first and he says yes, then he is clearly happy to have you as a son in law. If he says no, then ask her to marry you anyway and let him chew on his own misery! Just hope that she says yes!

[joko]

as lili says, ask your girlfriend if she wants to marry you first, as she is the important one here, then once she's said yes, ask whether her dad would appreciate you asking him, whether he expects it - as a gesture, and whether he'd say yes or no - but it is merely a courtesy...his 'decision' is irrelevent - gone are the days when it the father has any say in it.

He should know its not a real question though, you are not actually asking his permission - its just a polite formality and a gesture of respect. I mean, if he were to say no, would that mean you wouldn't marry her?

Definitely don' t go to him first though - what if he said yes, and she then said no!? I am sure she won't though, but i would be furious if my boyfriend approached my dad before me

[andy hughes]

I'd ask first, and then ask her dad as a courtesy - after all, if you are both of age, he can't stop you!

I didn't ask my future father-in-law because I was pretty sure he thought the idea old-fashioned. I was wrong, and he was quite offended - even though we were 33 and 32 at the time!

You have nothing to loose by asking - if he thinks it's old-fashioned, then you have wasted a little time, if he'd secretly like to me asked, proving you have courteous manners, then he'll be pleased - it's a win-win situation for you.

[rampart]

I talked to the family of my girlfriend. Long before I proposed, they were fairly clear where I stood on things. Shortly before I proposed, I telephoned and had a nice chat with the parents. They were very pleased and touched to know that I considered it important to inform them of my intentions and thereby gave them a chance to make any objections.

Is it old fashioned. Absolutely yes, but that does not mean it is without warrant.

Have you and your girlfriend had any events that included parents? I had my gf's parents to my house for dinner, and my gf had been to my parents' house on several occasions. There were enough informal and formal events that they were all well aware of the next step. So that might be something you want to consider.
That is not always possible, but when it is, it is rather nice.

Also, if you have had several encounters with him (and the gf's mother), then it is a bit easier when you inform him of your intentions and ask for his blessing. Sometimes, this can even be done by telephone, if you have had enough prior encounters with them. Otherwise, might be seen as being a bit timid....

Her father is strict and aloof, but I imagine he will be extremely impressed with you for caring enough to inform him of your intentions. He may never show it, but my guess is that it will add a nice little bond between the two of you.

Think it over. Best of luck to you!

[Lily_b]

No, that's not what I said at all.

If ieatbees asks her father first and he says 'no' of course they can still get married.

I just think the decision should be his girlfriends, not reliant upon her father.

[VINNY100_2]

Your be okay....just dont tell him you eat Bees,he mind find this a bit strange.( :)

[maggie01]

I would ask her dad first.

I think most dads are old fashioned when it comes to their daughters getting married and as Octavius says. I am sure he will be delighted.

He will probably be quite impressed

[spudqueen]

My 18 year old god daughter got engaged last month and yes, her boyfriend (now fiance) did ask her Dad before they announced the engagement (though he did ask my god daughter first!).

[evo_Rizla]

Personally rather than 'ask' him for permission i'd 'tell' him your planning to ask her. Kinda letting him into your confidence and also letting him feel he has had the chance to say no, even though he hasnt.

[maggie01]

Just wanted to add that my daughter got engaged a couple of months ago. Her fiance rang her dad to tell him of his intentions and to ask if it was ok for him to go ahead. My OH was very happy and very impresssed.

[twopennorth]

I presume you already have her acceptance of your proposal - don't ask the father before the daughter!

Yes, you should ask; fathers tend to appreciate the consideration in being asked for their daughter's hand, even now that it is a courtesy rather than a formality.

I can't remember if my husband asked my father, I doubt it as we had already lived together for five years. Even being an unconventional man at a non-traditional wedding he was pleased that I insisted on him giving me away in the ceremony.

[littlemissx]

i agree with all said above. ask your partner and then the father.

will you keep us updated?? i will subscribe to this thread so i know x

[funnywebsite]

What if he said yes and she said no. You are marrying her not him, so ask her.

[ieatbees]

Thanks for all of your responses - there is a lot of useful information here. I think i will approach the father before i actually propose, just to get his blessing.

i'm not actually going to propose until next year but i will keep you all in touch.

thanks Ieatbees

[Octavius]

Good on yer!

[Gnisy]

Ask her, if she says yes, Pop the question to the father with her around. Even if he says no, she'll be there with the goo-goo eyes and he'd give in... I hope.

But if you are the romantic type. Ask the father, then regardless of his answer, pop the question in a family gathering. If she says yes, everyone will be so happy cheering, he can't do anything to stop the both of you.

[hannah333]

Or you could write to him. This way you dont have to face him if you dont get on well. I know my dad did this! Good luck.

[headturner]

So I know it's cool to ask the father for his blessing but where do ou do it? Do you do it at a restront or can you just talk to him at his house?