Is my husband being unreasonable or am i being too uptight?

[JaneDoe2]

Oh where to start.... We have been married over 20 years and have one child together. OH is very quiet and I would say submissive to everyone he comes into contact with except me. For the last couple of years he is getting progressively worse with me, for instance he will ask my opinion on something then spend the next half hour telling me why my opinion is not worthy (why ask me for it then?) He seems to have one moral rule for him and for everyone else. For example a few weeks ago we needed to contact someone on a sunday night in regard to business and at 7pm he said no it would have to wait because no one should be phoned at that time of night on a Sunday. Tonight he is wanting to phone someone who could easily be contacted tomorrow but because he wants to contact them it all of a sudden becomes OK to phone at 7.30 on a Sunday. We had a shouting match yesterday because he was trying to park in town and was going to drive 50 metres up a one way street to avoid gong around the block and he even managed to make me feel as if I was being unreasonable even though I said if we had an accident he would not have a leg to stand on. If he was bolshy and a bully with everyone I could understand and put it down to his personality but the things he lets other people get away with are amazing and if i tried to do that I would be chastised for it. His nephew basically went behind his back and took a Contract off him and he laughed at him and basically said ok no problem...
Now he's started to contradict me when I am trying to discipline our son who can be quite lazy when it comes to school work. I tell him to do his homework and OH offers to play a game with him on the Wii. He can be very kind and loving but seems to flip between the perfect hubby and the hubby from hell and I just would like him to be somewhere in the middle all the time. I work extremely hard yet never feel appreciated. I do all his admin work for his business including website design, advertising, all book work and do tax returns for personal and business yet am always being told I should perhaps 'go and get a job' now our son is in his early teens. If I argue about anything he brings this up and his usual banter is 'well I'm too busy going out and making money'. With one thing and another (my other thread about my mother) I'm beginning to think its me that needs sorting out and would really appreciate some input even if its not what I want to hear.

[JaneDoe2]

Of course if you are living on your own (oh joy) you would come in from work and do all your domestic stuff. But surely if two people are living together and have full time jobs its not right that the woman comes in from work and does all the domestic chores while the husband chills out down the pub on the way back from work? That's going off the subject though which was me being unreasonable and petty x

4getmenot I appreciate what you say and indeed are interested in a different point of view. What would be the point of asking such a question if i just wanted responders to sympathise. I genuinely don't know if what I'm thinking is unreasonable and petty.

[JaneDoe2]

sibton your comment has given me pause for thought thank you.

[abstibus]

You have referred to yourself twice in one post as possibly unreasonable and petty.
I repeat- he is the one with the anger problems.
When/if you get a job, get a good cleaner too.
Nobody will starve to death if you don't feel like cooking when you come home.

.

[chrissa1]

Janedoe, I had a similar life with my dear, late husband, who would change from Dr Jekyll to Mr Hyde in a trice. This was however caused through alcohol, which you don't mention.

I did everything in our business just like you and yet I was always told I was useless and would be nothing without him. There was a time when I managed to negotiate a payment of £23K to our business on the telephone where if it had been left to him, he would have lost his temper and put the whole contract in jeopardy.

I just used to let his drunken comments sail over my head because I knew deep down he loved me. All our friends and family knew what I did and what I brought to our 35 year marriage and I loved him too.

As I said before, you don't mention alcohol being a factor and I hope it isn't but I just knew in my heart that what was being said to me, was a load of rubbish. Believe in yourself and tell him so. Chrissa x

[magsmay]

hi janedoe

Relationship problems are rarely one sided even if its just one person facilitating the behaviour. You have been married for over 20 years so must be aware by now of your OH's personality, therefore I assume an acceleration in his negative behaviour have prompted your post. A few pointers to think on:
Could his finances be in crisis and he's hiding something, therefore pressure is bubbling and you are getting the brunt?
Are you feeling life is passing you by -mid forties perhaps,given up career to look after child and now feeling frustrated or bored therefore picking up on every little comment your OH makes to try and justify how you feel yourself?
Do you often have feelings that people are 'getting at you' or that life is throwing you one problem after another?
Is OH where he thought he would be at his age or does he feel as if he's underachieved and life is passing him by (mid life crisis)
Does the negative behaviour have any pattern -is alcohol a factor? This question is for you and your OH
Do you want a job or are you happy the way you are (excepting for your relationship problems)
I think you would benefit from relationship counselling but for starters why not print off you original post -show him it and tell him you need to talk.

http://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-counselling/index.html