Lovers to friends

[Sarah*]

recently split up from my boyfriend of 6 years, he is still like my best friend. We are determined to stay friends, has anyone got any experience of this working?

[andy hughes]

If no-one is harbouring any lingering desires to re-kindle the relationship, and no-one is still hurting over the breakup, then a friendship is possible. If either (or both!) or those circumstances are in place, then their is pain waiting at the end of it all, and desireable as a friendship is, in these situations it is not always possible. So, if there is no baggae hanging around, and either of you would be delighted if the other found a new partner, then go ahead. Otherwise, walk away for a year at least, then get in touch, and see how each of you is feeling. Resist the urge to imagine that because you were close as lovers it will work with you as friends. It can be done, but it's not easy, so avoid the rosy glow of planning how good it will be, and take it a step at a time, and be ready to bail if it starts going wrong.

[beenee]

Yes. I went out with a guy for 4 years and we split up about 3 times since we always felt that we couldn't throw away the close friendship we had and so always drifted back together. The same problems would come up and we would end up breaking up over and over again. Being in such close emotional proximity (because that's what 'friends' do) it's easy to become weak and forget why you finished it in the first place. In my case it became an unhealthy pattern which we finally ended for good by ending all contact. I do miss him as a friend but I knew it's the only way I could completely get over him and maybe pick up our friendship once we've both moved on in our romantic lives.

[misslideaway]

My ex boyf of 4 years, and I remained good friends for a long time, we saw partners come and go and still remained cool with eachother. When I split from my fiance, my ex boyf dropped a bombshell and declaired that he still loved me. When I told him that it was not reciprocated, he told me we could no longer be friends. We dont see each other anymore. Just be careful. Everyones different, it may work well for you both as long as your both v. honest about feelings for eachother.

[evolution]

I have spilt up with my boyfriend of 8 years a few times. We always tried to 'be frends' but it always ended up being more than that! Not a bad thing as it's all worked out wonderfully in the end!

[shinyhappy]

hmmm... a lot of the people here seem to be writing about very long term relationships... sadly im only 17, so dont have much experience with them! however, what i do know is that the when i broke up with my bf of 6 months, we did eventually make friends again. however, it didnt run completely smoothly... after about 2 months, he wanted to get back together. i refused, because he hurt me too much the last time. luckily, he seemed to accept this, and we sum how managed to go back to being 'just friends'. although we aren;t as close now as we were for those 2 months, we still get on - and now we're both seeing other people, we both seem to be able to have an entirely plutonic relationship. (hope plutonic is the right word there - possibly its just something we've done in physics, and im getting confused!) dont worry - it'll work out!cxx

[Tinker]

I moved in with my boyfriend and we stayed together for 2 years....until we broke up last xmas, however, we are still living together as friends and it's worked out great! it was a bit weird at first, but because it was a mutual break up, we got through the weird stage and now he is just like (big cliche coming up) a 'brother' to me......eurgh that sounds so cheesy! Anyway, we're the best of friends now (plus, i got to keep the big bedroom!).

[zgma]

andy hughes and others give good advice here. I would also advise: don't sleep with him!! That is a hindrance to changing the relationship to a friendship relationship. I had a long term relationship that ended (long time ago) - he broke up with me, it was not mutually desired. We made the mistake of staying intimately involved whenever neither of us was in a relationship, for about 3 more years. It caused lots of hurt feelings, and didn't give us space to change the dynamic of the relationship. I found myself more annoyed than ever about the things that annoyed me about him. Then we lived in different cities for a while, and both got involved with other people... now we're great friends and completely not attracted to each other. I think it took a couple of years of not spending time together to break the habits of attraction and conflict. My husband also has a great friend that was a girlfriend 20 years ago (she's also my friend now) and they had years of separation with no communication before they could get to the point of being friends. So I would say, it's definitely possible... but give it time, and give yourselves lots of space from each other in the meantime.

[metalpunk]

well i have been in this same situation and well his name is luis and in 7th grade we did not know each other and he just asked me out and ya i said yes well we went out the rest of 7th grade we whent out and then we broke up the begining of 8th grade and tried being friends but it did not work out very good we still had feallings for each other and well one day we were talking on the phone and we practelly asked each other out again and now were togther and happy and its great i love him a lot