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Looking For An Anecdote For An After Dinner Speech
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One of my favourite ones adapted for the occasions (which I have used before so can't use it again) is:
Pilot : "Control tower, what time is it?"
Control tower: "What airline is this?"
Pilot: "What difference does that make?"
Control tower: "Well if it's British Airways, it's 6pm. If it's Virgin Atlantic, it's 18.00 hours and if it's American Airlines, the big hand is on the 12..."
Looking for something similar (short, to the point and preferably able to take the mick out of one particular section).
The person in charge tonight is a magician, so otherwise a joke about magicians (and not the one with the parrot and the cruiseline - must have head that a thousand times!)
Cheers
Pilot : "Control tower, what time is it?"
Control tower: "What airline is this?"
Pilot: "What difference does that make?"
Control tower: "Well if it's British Airways, it's 6pm. If it's Virgin Atlantic, it's 18.00 hours and if it's American Airlines, the big hand is on the 12..."
Looking for something similar (short, to the point and preferably able to take the mick out of one particular section).
The person in charge tonight is a magician, so otherwise a joke about magicians (and not the one with the parrot and the cruiseline - must have head that a thousand times!)
Cheers
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Is this the cruise-liner one?
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There this one from here: http://
"What Is The Difference Between A Magician's Wand and A Policeman's Baton?
One Is Used For Cunning Stunts..."
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There this one from here: http://
"What Is The Difference Between A Magician's Wand and A Policeman's Baton?
One Is Used For Cunning Stunts..."
I am told this is absolutely true. It took place in the early 1960s as a British plane (BEA???) landed at Frankfurt. Air Traffic Control directed him to use taxiway 7 and proceed to the disembarkation point. The pilot pulled off the runway and, as was the norm in those days at a strange airport, got out a map to see exactly where he was to go. The conversation then went as follows:
ATC (sounding stressed): "British filght 001 (or whatever), what's the matter with you, you're holding everybody up, have you never been to Frankfurt before?"
Pilot: "Only once, madam. It was in 1944......... we didn't stop".
ATC (sounding stressed): "British filght 001 (or whatever), what's the matter with you, you're holding everybody up, have you never been to Frankfurt before?"
Pilot: "Only once, madam. It was in 1944......... we didn't stop".
This is a bit long but makes me laugh.
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A lady Magician driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. “I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.
The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, “What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?” The woman smiled and said: “‘Hair Spray’ Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave.”
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A lady Magician driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. “I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.
The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, “What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?” The woman smiled and said: “‘Hair Spray’ Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave.”
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the magician neighbor's performing rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.
He thinks the magician is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the magician's house, hoping he will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the magician is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Presto my magic rabbit died?". The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?".
The magician replies, "I just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after I buried him I went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!
He thinks the magician is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the magician's house, hoping he will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the magician is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Presto my magic rabbit died?". The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?".
The magician replies, "I just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after I buried him I went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!
A juggler is sent to hell for his sins.
As he is being taken to his place of eternal torment, he sees a magician doing card tricks for a couple of beautiful woman.
"What a rip-off," the juggler muttered. I have to roast for all of eternity, and that magician gets to spend his time doing card tricks for beautiful women!"
Jabbing the juggler with his pitchfork, Satan snarled: "Who are you to question these women's punishment?"
As he is being taken to his place of eternal torment, he sees a magician doing card tricks for a couple of beautiful woman.
"What a rip-off," the juggler muttered. I have to roast for all of eternity, and that magician gets to spend his time doing card tricks for beautiful women!"
Jabbing the juggler with his pitchfork, Satan snarled: "Who are you to question these women's punishment?"
Here's one.
“What’s your father’s occupation?” asked the teacher on the first day of the new academic year.
“He’s a magician, Ma’am,” said the new boy.
“How interesting. What’s his favorite trick?”
“He saws people in half.”
“Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?”
“One half brother and two half sisters.”
“What’s your father’s occupation?” asked the teacher on the first day of the new academic year.
“He’s a magician, Ma’am,” said the new boy.
“How interesting. What’s his favorite trick?”
“He saws people in half.”
“Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?”
“One half brother and two half sisters.”
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots of scotch." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?"
The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the barman pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a fifty pence coin down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that."
The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the 50p. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jakey, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"
The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the barman pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a fifty pence coin down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that."
The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the 50p. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jakey, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"
-- answer removed --
This is an actual radio conversation between a United States Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast off Newfoundland in October 1995. (The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 as authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)
CANADIANS:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS:
No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS:
This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln. The second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north...
I say again...That's one-five degrees north.... or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!
CANADIANS:
We are a lighthouse. Your call.
CANADIANS:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS:
No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS:
This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln. The second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north...
I say again...That's one-five degrees north.... or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!
CANADIANS:
We are a lighthouse. Your call.
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