Is it right to hold a torch for a young love?

[davidardill]

I split up with my first serious girlfriend five years ago, at the age of 16. It left me devastated as, at the time, I felt like I was in love. I have since moved on, though I stayed in touch with the 'love of my life' up until last year, when we got close again, but I was wary of commitment, having been to hell and back in another relationship. I then said some things I shouldn't have about her new relationship, mostly out of jealousy. I have realised that she really is the love of my life but she won't let me back in her life now. Am I wrong to hold a torch for so long and should I just move on and forget her?

[dcannon]

Move on but dont forget her. Its seems to me she has been a big part of your life so you would never be able to forget. But if she doesnt want you back then at some point you have to move on or you'll end up alone and screwed up. I believe that people who can forget about exes were never in love, as they say true love never dies.

[andy-hughes]

As the success of 'Friends Reunited' shows, the rosy glasses of nostalgia are something we all wear - esepcially if we've had a bad time in an other relationship.

What you want is to recapture the love you had then, the wonderful feelings you remember, and the hope that it will extinguish the pain you carry from the break-up.

The brutal truth is, this feeling is not real. You are different, and so is she - as a result of the lives you have led in the intervevning time. She looks like the woman you loved, she sounds, and smells and probably even tastes the same, but she is not the same person, and neither are you.

You may experience initial euphoria, followed by a hollow let-down feeling, if you were to resume your relationship.

dcannon has it absolutely right - move on, but never forget - this woman is a part of what makes you who you are now, but she did it by being in your life then - and you can't go back.

[Amara]

There is a saying "If you truly love someone, let them go". I think with a connection this strong you will never forget her, but I also believe that you can have another love as powerful as this one. Use the time in between wisely, consider all the aspects of this relationship, the good and not so good, and take these lessons with you through life. It is best to take one day at a time, fill your life with things you love to do and love will find you again. Love and light Amara x

[rampart]

David, it sounds to me like it is over and that you might want to just move on, especially if she has made it clear that she wishes nothing to do with you.

However, I do want to share this. My wife and I dated for a few years and finally broke up. It was right for us to break up at that time. We were not a fit for eachother. However, two years went by and I dated other women. During that time, I realised I was constantly comparing them to her and accepted that she really had been the best girl I'd ever met.

A mutual friend of ours whom we had know for many years had a very large party at her country estate and invited both of us to attend - and we did not know the other would be there. I was standing on the lawn where the automobiles were parked, just talking with some of the men before going into the party. A car pulled up, she got out of the passenger side, and her friend who drive cheerfully called my name. My ex and I were both horrified, but polite to eachother, and talked for a moment. The moment turned into hours, and we never went inside to the party.

We dated, took our time, and discovered that being apart was the best thing for us. That was late 1997. We married in 1999 and I am still very glad we got back together.

I cannot tell from your information if this is something you should do or not. But I can tell you in my case, I am glad our mutual friend knew that we were right for eachother and set up this encounter. I just thought I would let you know that on occasion, it might be possible for things to work out just fine.

Best of luck to you in making the right decisions.

[davidardill]

Despite the initial break-up hitting me like a express train in the short term, when I was 16, I got over it all and have lived a fulfilling life since and it has never held me back from doing anything. I have been in other relationships and the only reason we got close again was because she told me she still loved me from our 'childhood' romance. When things were going well between us again and I began realising how much I felt for her, she slammed the door, metaphorically, in my face and refused to talk to me again.

Even now I don't expect to get back into a relationship with her, I have learned not to expect such fairytale and logical conclusions in matters of love, maybe it was the passion, or the fact that it was my first encounter with such deep feelings, but no other relationship has ever come close to recreating such an effect on my heart and soul.

I do think about her everyday and I'll never forget her. I am happy with my life and things are positive, but the niggling feeling always takes me back to her.

[rampart]

I had a little niggling feeling, too, by the way.

[davidardill]

It is that niggling that makes me think it must be more special than any other relationship. By rights I should hate her for freezing me out of her life - for whatever reason - and condemning even our friendship to the scrapheap, but there is something that draws me back.

I'm still only 21, I don't know what real love is, maybe it's the contrast that makes me think it is more than it really is - my only other major relationship was one full of bitterness, jealousy and argument and I left lucky for my life to be intactm, so perhaps I am comparing the two and remembering fondly the time when I actually felt 'in love'.

[Amara]

It sounds like this was a soulmate relationship. These are always more intense and there is always a strong 'pull' to the person, almost like a physical cord linking you. Soulmates are always our teachers and there are always lessons to be learned, there is usually some karma to be worked through, and there can be periods of separation and drawing back together. This is obviously difficult for you and painful too. You sound like a caring and loving person with a lot to offer and I am certain you will meet someone, it would be much better if, when that happens you are detached from this person completely. Love and light Amara x

[flaming]

Dear, dear, how painful is unrequited love. It never stops either. I had a very brief encounter when I was in my late 50s, after years of a stale marriage, with someone I really fell in love with - a shocking thing in itself as I thought all those feelings were 'dead'. He thought of it just as a quickie but I was left with these mad feelings which I have never got over. For me there isn't much to move on to but as you are young there will be lots of other loves in store. I often wonder whether the love for someone persists because he or she is not available? In your case, you could have one last try by letter, rather than get involved in an argument. You can say more about you real feelings and why you said those jealous things - but you might have to offer a commitment and you are still very young for that. Do try to broaden you outlook and see how you feel in a year's time. I hope you find happiness and later on are grateful that you didn't get tied down.

[rampart]

David, some of the way you define of love will change as you grow older, of course. Your definition as a child is vastly different from your definition today, and this will continue to evolve. But the central part of love is what hits your heart and sticks to it. I am married with children, and a good deal older than you, and I absolutely adore my wife. So even when we have a fight, that love stays tethered to the heart and does not let go, even if I sleep on the couch mad. That type of love has a bit of patina to it, and by that I mean it is aged nicely and much better as a result. A few scars here and there, but better than it was before.

You may be feeling that kind of love, or perhaps its predecessor. That is something you have to decide.

Nevertheless, even should you identify this niggling in your heart as that type of love that grows and stays in place, it does not guarantee that she will return those feelings. She might at a later date, as happened in my case. But you never know.

Alright, then. Now let's go have a pint. Cheers!

[whqttt]

As others have said, things change with time.

However it's very easy for someone to say "hey, you are still only 21, you'll get over her as you get older" without looking at how you must be feeling.

Unrequitted love is very painful, and it takes a while to get over it. You've not said why you originally broke up with her, but if whatever the reason was is still there, then I'm afraid the outlook isn't good.

When a relationship ends, space is needed, and from what you've stated it sounds like she was still in touch during your subsequent relationship - that's unfair on both you and your then partner.

Having said that, hope does spring eternal, and as people get older they do change. Sure, some get seriously bent out of shape by life, but others simply learn from lessons life throws their way.

Personally I can't see the situation between you and this ex changing. There's really only 2 ways you can approach this - simply give up and move on (hurts, but time heals) or sit her down and talk to her about it. There is, of course, a chance that will work, but equally you might not end up with the result you wish for, and that will also hurt, and will pretty much stuff the friendship.

The third option? Carry on as you are, hoping, but that won't fix this - she won't snap out of something, and in the course of time she will move on herself. It could be painful to watch her with another if you insist on waiting for her.

My own experience in life has shown that the person I thought at 20 was my perfect partner was entirely wrong for me, but if I hadn't met her and gone through a lot of grief, I'd not be the person I am now, nor be with my present partner.

Letting go will hurt, not doing so will hurt and probably more. Best tackle this head on. It might still hurt, but
I'd speak to her, and see what happens.

Good luck.

[gary baldy]

Sometimes love is about timing.
I think you might have met this girl too early -- call it what you like - fate, kismet, whatever - the time was not just right.
It takes a long time if you feel like you have lost a soul mate - there is an element of grieving involved.
I have found a good way to get over someone is to fall out with them big time.
This creates a clean break and if she cares for you (as a friend) she will let you back into her life and hopefully you can be friends.
I am friends with all my ex - girlfriends and its nice to have tiny little torch burning but dont dwell on it and have regrets because fate will ensure something special will come along eventually.

[Booby Hopkin]

Na let her hold the torch herself, you spoil her, its all character building. Myself i enrolled in the womans royal jelly brigade in 1943 rising to the rank of bombadeer lieutenant colonel mrs (extra 3s 4d p/a) after only 95 years.My 2nd cousin, twice removed (once forcibly by the police) worked in a barbers shop.He doesnt cut hair any longer....he cuts it shorter boom boom mr Derick (he of ********* fame) and...where was i?......nope its gone.....