Unhappy About Relationship Ending

[Meg888]

Hi, sorry it's a bit long. I've recently split up with my partner after 9 yrs together. We split last year after he caused some horrible rows, often fuelled by drink. I couldn't put any of our kids through any more or take it myself and so he moved out. We later got back together after he pleaded with me that we could work through it, and only saw each other when we didn't have our kids (I have one, he has 2). So this was 2 nights midweek and every other weekend (mainly due to my daughter who lives with me, his only come round every other weekend) he seemed happy enough and accepting of this. I had something important crop up with my daughter recently, and so had to cancel her nights with her Dad for a week so I could sort, and he accused me of not committing to him as it meant me cancelling his nights. This went on over a couple of weeks, and a final attempt to talk through resulted in him shouting and leaving my house (my girl was not there at the time). I saw a friend of mine who told me he ashamedly admitted to her that he resented my daughter as he felt the reason he couldn't see me was because of her. She also has a hidden disability which he finds very difficult to cope with; he thought as she got older, she would grow as his girl did, but she has not, and is still very much like a child, therefore she needs far more attention than the average 16yr old. I think the resentment has been setting in for about 18 months, and was further fuelled by his drinking. His daughter (a year older than mine) relished this, and so would say things to her Dad about my girl knowing the trouble it would cause.

We all lived together prior to the split last year, and he was a brilliant person, very loving & affectionate and he would do anything for me, my girl and his kids. He gave up smoking 2 yrs ago using Champax, but then started drinking heavily and then the aggression started. He sorted himself out with his drinking when we split last year, so now that is not the problem. I'm sure he's depressed, I've heard that Champax can cause this - it seemed to be when all our troubles started was when he gave up smoking. I know this might sound a bit desperate and clutching at straws, but we had a fab relationship, a lot of fun, love and support between ourselves and our kids. I'm not sitting here in blinkers when I tell you I did nothing wrong, because I didn't. It was like something just snapped/changed in him and even he couldn't control it. At the risk of sounding a total sap, I just feel it's such a waste when we both still love & miss each other, yet he cannot seem to move past this. In the past year I have suggested counselling to him, but I did this more with the view of getting his drinking and anger under control. He attended a couple of sessions, but I think he backed off them so they didn't get far. We're both 43, so we're not young things; 3 yrs ago we'd actually planned to get married next year, as we had a great relationship. He was my best friend, but then suddenly he started to resent my daughter, my brothers - it's like he just lets little things eat away at him, but they're going to destroy everything for him and I can't understand why he can't see it

[bednobs]

unfortunately you can usually change an adults thoughts, behaviour and attitudes

[pixie373]

It's going to be very difficult if he can't see it. If he at least admits you have a point, there may be some chance. But i think if he feels he is right about everything, you would only be going back to the same situation. I would be tempted to not see him for a month or so, both clear your heads and then talk to each other after that. It may turn out to be the habit of being with him that you're missing and will take some getting used to x

[Old_Geezer]

i hope getting that off your chest was a help, but I didn't see the question to reply to.

Seems to me that ionly you can decide when one calls it a day and moves on and when you still think it is worth more effort. Looks to me as if you have given it a darned good try already. Best of luck whatever you decide.

[Meg888]

Yes, I think I may just be venting off. I suppose I'm hoping someone will tell me something I want to hear. I've been told off many that we've flogged it to the death and it would be fruitless to carry on trying. I'm just sure that if he could face up to his issues/insecurites/possible depression then we could go forth and build it up again with the kids and be happy. I know he feels the same as me, but he is keeping away to ease the split and try and move on. It's just a waste when we both still feel so strongly, I keep thinking I'm going to look back on this for years to come and regret it - as I'm sure he will too.

[Canary42]

For it to succeed you've both got to be committed - sounds as though he's not, so time to move on.

Of course you may often look back with "what if" but that's only natural, don't let fear of it stop you moving to a better life.

[Meg888]

Thanks for the replies and the good advice. I don't really know what else to say, suppose I just have to ride it out x