Advice Needed: Elderly Relatives?

[yelenots]

Not sure topic this should be posted under but here goes!

I have an Aunt and Uncle who lives 300 miles away, in a retirement flat. They are both in their early 90's and have no children. They both keep themselves to themselves and don't mix with any other residents who live in the flats.
Two weeks ago my Aunt was admitted to hospital and things don't look good from all accounts. She has now been moved to a side room.

I am very concerned about how my Uncle will cope when she passes away. He can hardly walk and has had several falls recently. He is 'deaf as post' and quite vague on the phone so it is difficult to find much out.

Does anyone know what happens in these circumstances? Should I try to contact Social Services or try and found out who their Doctor is so he can have some help with shopping, washing etc.

My other concern is if something happens to my Uncle, how will I know and how will anyone know to contact me? If I went down there to visit I wouldn't be able to have access to the flat or be able to arrange the funeral.
Apart from a brother (who is also nearly 90yrs) on my Aunts side of the family - I am the next of kin. I know they have made a Will but don't know where it is held.

Should I try and find out where the Will is held? Or perhaps phone the hospital to let them know of the situation with my elderly Uncle - but would they speak to me!

Thank you! :-)

[dpa864673]

We were in similar situation with my mother and father.
You should contact their local services. We also found the people at the local Age Concern and Help the Aged very knowledgeable and helpful. They helped us to install a panic alarm system including a button on a chain around mums neck so if she falls she will get immediate help.
Regarding access, get keys copied and keep a set yourself and in a key safe at the property.

[Rosetta]

With your uncles permission I would contact Social Services and set the assessment process in motion asap. There are loads of ways they can support him. Is there a warden linked to his flat, you could contact them and give your contact details, if not a personal alarm system would be a good idea particularly if he is a bit unsteady on his pins. Our local Borough Council used to provide this service so you could find out who does in your uncles area. The Social Services would have all that information. Hope you manage to get it sorted

[woofgang]

Ok. First off does the flat complex have a warden, that's a good place to start. It might be as well to try to pull together some kind of informal proof of who you are and what your relationship is (have your aunt and uncle got pictures of you? can he confirm to the warden/social services who you are. Its not an uncommon situation and can be dealt with. The GP is also a good one to try to talk to but may not be able to do much under the current circs.
Yes talk to social services about your uncle. The hospital social services department and maybe the occupational therapy department should also be making enquiries regarding your uncle's wellbeing.
Social services and the hospital may not be allowed to tell you much but you can tell them stuff an express your concerns. The hospital will be likely to be able to tell you more, especially of they have met your uncle and can see how vague he is.Yes do try to find out where the wills are. There must be more than one, you can't do joint wills.
Practically, what we did for my late Mum was to put a sign up by the phone in her flat saying "in case of emergency contact" and the names and contact detail of us, her daughters. When she went out, before she became housebound, she carried the same info in her bag (actually I do this as well and I am only middle aged and fit but I am widowed and live alone) The same information was also at her GP and social services but she had to give permission for this to happen.

Once you have phoned around and gathered and given the info, could you do one flying visit to your uncle to tie up the loose ends?

If you want anymore info, do shout.

[DJHawkes]

maybe you should work with your uncle somehow to get you down as next of kin, then see if his landlord has any sheltered housing accomodation available for when his wife comes home, (being optimistic for his sake) that way he won;t feel worried too much. how is he managing to visit her, maybe he should contact the friends of the hospital for support, most hospitals have theses groups.

[pixie373]

Yes, i agree with the others. If your aunt and uncle name you as NoK, the hospital will be able to update you too. I would also advise getting a Datalink for your uncle. It is a little plastic pot kept in the fridge (so the emergency services know where to find it). You put a sticker on the fridge and one on the front door so that they know it is there. In the pot, you fill in the form which includes your uncle's details, illnesses, medication, add in a repeat prescription form and fill in Nok details-addresses and phone numbers. It is very useful for vulnerable people who live on their own and may not be able to answer questions. Also means you will be contacted if anything happens-assuming he is happy for you to put your details in.

[yelenots]

Thank you all so much for your advice......all of it very helpful. They live in a warden control flat and I have the number so I will start on that tomorrow and then I'll try and get more info from my Uncle!
Just don't need all this now and my own Mother is gravely poorly too but fortunately she is only 5 mins away!
Dreading getting old!

[Dee Sa]

yele get things put into place asap, if something happens to this old gentleman it will be a nightmare to sort out, but if you know where things are, what his last wishes were, is there a will and where is it, which bank he uses , where the burial money will come from which account or has he got prepaid plan, its going to make things easier for you when the time comes, you have to be practical in these matters it wont be an easy task more like a thankless one. Good luck with all the paperwork involved.

[yelenots]

Update.....i have spoken to the house manager where they live and he has taken my details and will also be passing them onto Careline. He was very helpful and has given the number of their Dr's and also social services. He said he would 'keep on eye' on my Uncle too.
Thank you everyone, feel a little less stressed now!

[pixie373]

That's great, yelenots. At least you know others are keeping an eye on him too

[woofgang]

what a brilliant warden....some of them can be quite "jobsworth" in their approach to distant relis. I am glad that he has relieved your mind.

[whiskeryron]

yelenots. How lovely to read your last post ( 16:27 Mon 22nd Jul 2013)
So glad you have managed to get things moving in the right direction & are now more settled in your mind. Well done keep it up.

WR ♥.

[yelenots]

:-) Now I just have a find out which solicitors they have used to make their Wills......not an easy subject to approach!

[woofgang]

yelenots, you might ask your uncle for some advice...you are thinking about making your will, not sure of the ins and outs of storage and so on so would your uncle mind telling you what he did?

[yelenots]

What I good idea Woofgang! Its a plan :-)

[Rosetta]

yelenots, support services like shopping, washing etc will come via Social Services so I'd make that a priority. Does the warden visit often, if so would he talk to your uncle about a referral to Social Services and get his agreement. It might be easier done face to face as your uncle is very deaf and not good on the phone. It would also be easier for your uncle to know of plans for his support so that when a social worker contacts to make an appointment to visit he is not alarmed, particularly as they have relied just on themselves up to now.
woofgangs approach to him about the will is a good one.

[pixie373]

I don't think so. I don't think you should be underhand about it. He needs to be able to trust you. Plus, the solicitors will need his permission to speak to you about anything, unless you have Power of Attorney. It is his choice. Please be honest with him.

[Rosetta]

dont worry too much about the will at this stage, give it some thought, the priority is to get him support if he is agreeable.
Have you been close to them over the years?

[yelenots]

Rosetta......They live in a McCarthy and Stone Retirement flat so there is a resident house manager and they have 'pully cords' for emergencies, its just the day to day things that worry me. At the moment he says he is managing but after finding out he's only had a pork pie for tea I'm beginning to wonder!
I am going to try and phone their Dr's tomorrow for some advice.

[Rosetta]

Good idea, though the amount of info you can get will depend on how much they are sticklers for patient confidentiality. Are you hoping that they will make contact to see how he is doing for themselves?

[woofgang]

pixie, once yelenots knows where the wills are, she doesn't have to do anything until a will is needed. She isn't being underhand at all, just tactful. When we made our wills, the solicitor who did it said that its very common for folk to make a will, lodge it at the solicitor or in the bank or wherever and not tell anyone what they have done which means when they die they get treated as intestate and whatever they wanted to happen to their estate then doesn't happen.