Can a person ever change?

[jen1302]

Whats peoples views/experiences can a person ever change?

Will a drinker always be a drink, will an abuser always be abusive,will a cheater always be a cheat?

My boyfriend says he can change, but after 5 years together I dont see how/why/if he will.I want to believe him but I cant.

Should i be the one to change my attitude to believe him?

[Lisax]

whats he got to change??

[jen1302]

The drink, the voilence, the cheating!

Should i be the one to change and just accept that this is the way he is?

[Bottom]

I my experience, "No" " A leapard can never change his spots. I could be wrong but out of 2 out of 3 guys I have long realtionships with both cheated and done it again.( well I never  let the third prove it)

Drinkers and abusers not sure?

Good Luck anywayx

[ineedahobby]

I think people can change, however, in your situation I would not stick around and give him the option, drunkeness, violence and cheating are not acceptable in any relationship, so get out!

[Bottom]

well it depends on if you want to be treated like this and you love this man then yes accept it and move on.

Or... Leave him, you only know if he can change as you live and know him. How many times has he promised this before?

[kick3m0n]

He's a drunken, cheating, violent abuser?  Dump him.  It doesn't matter how much you love him, it's time to love yourself more.  You are not sure if he can change and you don't believe him when he tells you this.  So basically, you're waiting around to be abused or cheated on again.  It's typical of many abusive relationships that you are worrying if you should change.  Of course you shouldn't. He has to prove to you that he can change, as his behaviour thus far does not merit any trust whatsoever. You are worth more than this.  If he truly cares for you, he will change after you've dumped him, because he knows it's the right thing to do.  If he can show that he has indeed put his abusive, vile past behind him, maybe you could think about re-visiting the relationship at that time?  Good luck.

[jno]

yes, people can and do change their ways. Drinkers and smokers give up, for instance.

But cheating and abusing are more deeply ingrained patterns of living, usually with their roots in early childhood, and harder to eradicate. People really have to want to change. They may need powerful incentives. What incentive does your boyfriend have? He behaves badly, you stay with him. He's getting all he wants.

If you love him very very much, by all means stick with him - because it's also true that people come to accept being abused and betrayed, usually when they have problems with self-esteem: they think that if they are being treated badly, it's because they are bad people, and deserve it. I don't know if you feel this way. But as things are, it doesn't sound as if he will change, because he has no reason to. I certainly wouldn't advise you to become accustomed to being mistreated. Five years is plenty of time to change, and he hasn't. In your place I'd leave.

[georgit79]

In theory, yes. In practise- not usually, no.

[Cockney_si]

I think Albert Einstein once said something....Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.

Blokes don't generally change much, once they set in their ways its sometimes hard to re-arrange it.

A bunch of flowers once rearranged are still from the same bunch and will always do what they were going to do.

[jen1302]

thanks jno

Think you hit the nail on the head, he wont change cause for so long i've went along with his behaviour, and he's had the best of both worlds

[andy hughes]

If he cheats once, is repentent, and doesn't do it again, then he has changed. Second time is the time to walk. If he hits you, that's the time to walk. I'm sure you see the patern developing here.

You need to negotiate from a position of strength, and that means distance. If you constantly say "I will leave ..." and then you don't, your b/f has no reason to change, which is why he hasn't. If you walk away and say "I'll come back when you change ...." then you can see how serious he is about being with you. be prepared for the fact that he can't, or won't change, in which case you have simply hastened the inevitable, and saved yourself some money, bruises, and self respect along the way.

Walk away now, and make him work to get you back. If he has to change to get you back in his life, he will either learn to appreciate you, and do what's needed, or carry on as he is, in which case you have already started living your own life.

This is not easy, but it absolutely has to be done. Now.

[Englishbird]

He's not going to change jen, and I think you already know this.

It's time to move on.

And it's not nearly as hard as you think it's going to be - Life after an abusive relationship is absolutely liberating and the only thing you will regret is not having done it sooner.

Good luck x x

[JudgeJ]

AB's ellenblue asked a similar question a few weeks ago. Part of my answer is reproduced below:

Even if you manage to change this man's habits (and this is unlikely in the extreme) you will waste years of your life trying to do it and will spend those years walking on eggshells.

You deserve a lot better than this. I think you really know the answer to your dilemma. Do yourself a favour and do it now. Don’t ask yourself any more tortuous questions or waste any more time on this selfish, drunken, drug-ridden loser.

Sorry to sound harsh, but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Whilst your circumstances may not be entirely the same, jen, if you've had to ask the question I expect my advice would be the same

[bruce5755]

Yes jen!  Believe it or not, people can, and do change.  Unfortunately when it's too late!  It does usually take years, but it does happen.  Therefore a break maybe the best suggestion, if he loves you then he will realise his mistakes and act upon them.  You know the old saying, that you don't know what you had till it's gone, it was certainly true in my case!  Your question must be for me the most thought provoking since my time on AB!  So many memories have come flooding back, about things that have happened to me, and things I myself have done to others!

It appears that you are in love with this person, but don't let yourself be used and abused by anyone.  I know that it's hard, your brain is probably all mashed up and all you want is him to change, but it may be best to take time out and let him realise what he's losing!  If he dosn't love you then maybe it's best you find out now!

This may be hard, but have you thought that he wants to end it and treating you badly is his way of making you hate him, so that it's easier for him to break it up, I will be honest with you now, that was something that I did to my partner, (never abusive though) God awful I know, I wasn't even aware that I was doing it!  Mind you I was very lucky, I had that rare gift of a second chance and I learnt my lesson! We now have a good, strong, loving relationship with no regrets!

Act now! don't take any more cr4p, if he loves you he'll change, just dont stop living and enjoying your life while he finds out his mistakes!

God Bless. Bruce.

[jedimistress]

Jen,

Are you still together? How are things?

I am with a drunk, abuser. No cheating but plenty of threats to..."all the women want him" etc.

I left him a fortnight ago and it is so hard. I am struggling daily but I think I will be fine in the end and this keeps me going.

Have things changed since you last posted?????

[jen1302]

Yes jedi i left him

one of the hardest things to do and one of the best things i could ever have done.no regrets:-)

Packed my clothes into black bags and done a runner while he was at work, it was 5 days before Xmas and i felt terrible about it, but knew that i couldnt have ruin another one of mine or my families Xmas'...

The first two-three weeks were horrible, constant phone calls and texts, anything was screamed down the phone to make me feel bad and guilty and regretful.But and i know it sounds easier said than done you got to be strong.

Think of the bad times the times he's came in drunk,shouted at you,pulled at you, punched at you......you dont ever want to go back to that, cause anybody deserves better than that.

I am still now getting myself back on track,surrounding myself with friends and family that for so long I discarded because of him....and unbelieveable I have met someone who has restored that bit of trust,love and happiness in man-kind.My ex on the other hand is still drinking, has lost his job and has a breach of the peace on his record......

Somewho i think my life is a whole lot better than him.

I hope you get to see this post, and please reply if you need any other help/advice/support.Cause i been there, done that and the t-shirts in the post.

Keep smiling xXx

[jedimistress]

Hi Jen,

I'm glad things are looking up for you. I am quite sad but I know I am grieving the loss of the fantasy person, not the real him.

I still feel I want to help him, fix him, but I know only he can do that. I need to protect myself before I end up with no self esteem (or dead). It's already very low, especially because I let him talk to me like that, call me names, put me down and generally terrorize me.

He has threatened to smash up my house, he has left silent messages, evil laughing messages, he has even been so sad as to leave me a lovely message to say how he can't wait to be with me again and he loves me with my knickers off etc then called me by another girls name...as if he left the message to me by mistake but it was intended for his new (imaginary or real, I don't know) girlfriend. And he said he loved me???? Still it's better than the begging ones because I am a real sucker for his "sorrys". And have gone back every time.

I feel I will be a disappointment to everyone I meet, but I hope these feelings will leave me with time.

I am happy you have made the break, you are an inspiration to me. You have come a long way already and seem to be building new life so quickly. I hope I can catch up with you.....Lynz xx

[jen1302]

Hi Lynz,

Thaks for the reply.I dont know if you feel the same but sometines I feel alone in all this and that no-body really understands, but reading what you wrote I can relate with and see that am not alone in this situation.

It will take time for both of us to get through this feeling of hurt, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.Something which I have wished for for a long time.

Believe me you will not be a dissapointment to any other person you meet..with time your confidence will grow and flourish and they will see you for the real you and want to be in your company for the lovely person you are.

I think of my parnter everyday and dont think this will ever change as i did so love him with all my heart and wanted to be with him, but i have such a better life without him,no violence,no drink,no shouting,no fear,no abuse.....there is someone out there for all of us, unfortunatley we got to go thro some bad apples to get to that person.

I hope things go well for you in the future,you have made the biggest step you can do,surely that gives you the boost to see that you can do anything in life now !

Girl power !

Take care x

[jedimistress]

It's the hardest thing to leave someone you still love. A nightmare but I know we will be ok in the end.

Better to have a few months of pain now than a life of misery which we could look back on when we are 64, still waiting for the change, and really regret not leaving sooner in our lives. I hear of people being married for 35 years to abusive alcoholics and I think what a waste, I'll never be like that. Then I see how the years are mounting up in this relationship and I think again, I could just easily be like that if I don't quit today. It's like our own addiction we need to break. Love them though they are so bad for us. They don't even make us feel good anymore?!

Take care, I am going to move on and (try) to stop thinking too hard about him. Open a new chapter, have a lovely summer....