my sons waste of space girlfriend

[NORMANTHEDOG]

My son who is 20 has gone back with his girlfriend,after 3 months of being apart.its driving me mad,as i know she is not the one for him.they went out for 9 monthsand split up,now she has managed to wangle her way back into his life.Before she used to make him come home from work every lunchtime,wouldent let him have a mobile phone,he wasent allowed to see his friends,they never went out,she moved herself in his mums house without asking,she dosent work,every time they had a row and he tried to finnish it,she threatened to kill herself.and now it looks like its going back to the same as before,im at my wits end,she even wants him to not go to college anymore for his apprenticeship course.what can i do without interfering and driving my son away from me,we have a great relationship.

[lou 26]

to tell him not to do it may just drive them closer together and then you will be the bad guy! My advice is dont jeopardise your relationship with him. Hopefully it will fizzle out with time. Noone can take that sort of pressure she is dishing out for long, its too stifling. She sounds very insecure and maybe needs some help with it. In the meantime you can only be there as much as possible for him and try to get him to open up about how he really feels about her. He may just be staying as shes using threatening to harm herself. If thats the case then you would need to deal with it as and when he tells you that, but he may genuinely love her in which case theres not much you can do except ride it out and hope that he will come to his senses sooner rather than later. Good luck x

[NORMANTHEDOG]

thats the funny thing about it he says he does love her.

[lou 26]

maybe he does love her but is he actually "in" love with her or does he just love her because she has a nice personality (without the stifling behaviour shes using) My guess is shes wangled her way back in by saying that she will change. Maybe you could suggest that he gives it a "trial" period. Have you told him how you feel about it?

[lb24]

Your son's girlfriend sounds exactly like my first boyfriend. My parents did everything they could to stop me seeing him but i couldn't see what he was really like. Eventually i realized it for myself and although it took a while to break up with him (for the same reasons) i eventually realized it was all a threat and he wasn't really going to do anything. The only way was to cut him out of my life completely (change my mobile number, etc. so he couldn't give me sob stories to make me go back to him). Leaving him was the best decision i ever made. I don't know what advice to give you really, other than he probably won't leave her until he sees what she's really like for himself. I don't know how people become that possessive. Trying to make him realize without pushing him away is the tricky part, but hopefully he'll realize before she ruins his future.

[NORMANTHEDOG]

shes never had the love of her parents,they gave her away when she was very young and i can understand certain things about her need for love,my son knows how i feel,she has even tried to get him to cut me out of his life if i cant accept her.i have tried to split them up before by doing a silly thing ,but my son found out what i did and it hurt him and upset him a lot.i suppose i will have to let him find out for himself,but i dont want him to ruin his prospects, before he comes to his senses.

[lou 26]

I can totally understand you feeling like that but there really isnt much you can do about it. Its hard I know when you have to sit back and watch it happening but the last thing you should do is interfere this time. Lets hope it fizzles out sooner rather than later. and we're alway here if you need to talk x

[noxlumos]

Norman, you sound actually quite sympathetic towards this girl in parts, so if she is to be a fixture, which looks a possibility, why not make the best of a bad job and try to get on better with her? Go and see her and apologise for trying to split your son and she up previously, I'd be non too keen on you if you'd tried that to be honest, and tell her that although you had misgivings originally you love your son and want him to be happy and will accept her if that's what does it. It's quite disarming to have someone do that. Prior to marrying my second wife I didn't look so great as a prospective son in law and had several furious rows with my wife's father who hated the idea of her marying someone who'd been in prison and had had drink/drug problems too, plus was bringing his kisd to live with her in her property ( understandably).I was furious as I was trying to turn over a new leaf which was hard enough in itself then her Mum came to see me and we went out for lunch and really talked and she said that she had no problems with me as long as I didn't let her daughter down which was a real turning point. That was nearly 10 years ago ( her mum loves me now, but her Dad still loathes me, lol) but it did disarm the whole destructive process dead in it's tracks so it might be a thought if you could bring yourself to do it.

[Bohne]

As bad and frustrating as it might be to you, you have to let him make his own mistakes.
Especially when love is involved, you don't want to listen.
Believe me, I know, I've been there, and nobody could convince me that I was absolutely destroying myself by staying in a relationship.

The best thing is: Be there, when he figures it out for himself.

Until then: Keep telling him your opinion, but without shouting and accusations, that's what friends are for (and in my opinion, parents, too).
But also tell him, that you stand by him whatever his decision will be.

Also I suggest speak with his mother, she might have more of an influence, being the one they live with.