Very Ill Father In Law

[Swiper]

What is the best thing to do for my father in law? He has complete renal failure, he has been on dialysis for nearly 10 years and he has COPD. He is on full time oxygen and can barely stand up. Doctors say he can't be left alone at any time. He was living on his own, then his ex wife (my mother in law) said she would take care of him and she did for a while (in her house) now she's saying she doesn't want to do it any more as she's "stressed out", she has taken all his belongings up to the hospital and says she wants nothing more to do with him. I know he is very ill and I keep suggesting some sort of hospice or at the very least respite care, but my husband and his sister seem to think it would be a good idea to care for him between the two of them. I really don't think that this is an option, he needs full time medical care. Has anyone else been in this position? What would you suggest? Please don't leave mean or pointless comments, we are having a hard enough time without stupid comments.

[Ann]

Feel for you Swiper, it must be hard if your husband wants his father to be with him to end his days and you have no option but to help with his care. Not sure what action I would take, maybe talk to his GP who may be able to persuade FIL that hospital treatment is vital.

[grumpy01]

Very sorry to read about this Swiper.Perhaps your local Social Services can help by finding a suitable Nursing home for him so that he can be cared for properly.Maybe respite care first while they and you and the medical professionals can find a solution for the longer term,however long that maybe.

[woofgang]

i think that the first step would be to sit down with someone from the hospital, maybe his nurse, all three of you and maybe fil too and go through everything he needs to have done for him every day and what needs a district nurse, if equipment is needed, all the details and then decide who can do what. sometimes it then becomes evident that its not a goer, sometimes it begins to look like it might be. Have you spoken to anyone in the hospital about discharge planning? sometimes its a nurse, sometimes its an occupational therapist, sometimes its an admin type role. get all the info about everything that fil needs and how it will be provided/done and by who, then you can make a reasoned decision. i have been through this both as a reli and eorking as an occupational therapist who used to plan discharges

[pixie373]

I would also suggest a nursing home. Your husband and sister-in-law could spend as much time as they want with him, while he gets professional care.

[Ann]

What does FIL want to do - is he against going into care or even a hospital? That is hard if he is, my FIL was so upset at having to go into a home but he kept falling all the time and we couldn't take our eyes off him for a minute. He was fine when he made friends in the nice care home we got him into - it was purely the fact of losing his independence which he hated, but he was eventually really chuffed at everyone waiting on him hand and foot and not having to get his own meals etc.

[black_cat51]

some times you need to let things fail before people will see that things are unworkable