Violence

[theren_911]

Hello, I've seen a few threads from some poor women who've experienced violence from their parner in some form or another. The advice has been almost 100% zero tolerance.

What if the roles are reversed? My Fiance� has become viciously violent a coupe of times when she's been heavily drunk. ie. Thumping my face etc.

Just curious to hear what opinions are when the roles are reversed...

[undercovers]

i was thinking the same thing the other day - i ws watching some rubbish transport police programme and this women had apparently been thumping her boyfriend around the head - as the police women put it "really going for it", police made them stop and told them both off making them leave the train station they were in, but asides from that treated it as a joke for the most part... now if the roles had be reversed you can be the bloke would have had a night in a cell at the very least, even if it had been one slap rather than a fully lauched attack the women had delivered. i guess that most poeple have a different view of violence from women and thats why a minority of women can carry on in an unacceptable manner - as people won't stop them or look down on them for using violence to get their own way

[Englishbird]

My advise would be exactly the same.

Although I will advise zero tolerance in a violent situation, I also understand that it's not that easy. And the solution is invariably complicated.

Your fiance needs to acknowledge what she does and do whatever it takes to stop. If she can't control her drinking then she needs to stop. If there are other reasons why she drinks, then she needs to address them.

Maybe a women is in more physical danger with a violent man, but it is still bullying and intimidation the other way round. And be careful, because over time it wears you down, and you can't see that you're becoming trapped into something, even if other people around you can. How would she react if you hit her, she needs to understand that it feels exactly the same. Bones heal, it's normally the emotional abuse that does the long term damage. Good luck x

[Quizmonkey]

I can't imagine why gender should have any bearing on the discussion: any use of violence in a relationship should be given the zero tolerance treatment.

[stoo_pid]

2 parts:

Several years ago, my (now ex-)girlfriend hit me on 3 separate occasions (I left her on the third). The very first time it happened she hit me in the face twice with a pair of heavy boots. Sounds comical but it really hurt. The thing is she was screaming like mad & the neighbours called the police. When they turned up they tried to arrest me. Three times they told my ex- that she would be safe from me but only if I pressed charges. They did not want to listen to either of us that I had not touched her.

A little ironically, my wife has been trying to set up a unit for battered males for a while now. She has tried to work with women's groups & the police amongst other agencies. Frustratingly, with the exception of a couple of individuals, the attitude she continuously comes up against (shockingly from the women's groups as well as the police) is that the men should stand up for themselves and simply hit them back.

The problem of men suffering from domestic violence is much, much bigger than people realise. It's a hard enough thing for a man to admit that he has become the victim of domestic violence - what chance do they stand if the people that are meant to help them just think that they're wimps?

/cont...

[stoo_pid]

Having been in this situation myself I can see how easy it is to get trapped in it. The first time you are shocked but your partner is so apologetic that you end up feeling sorry for them! Each time it happens the perpetrator is (or at least, convincingly appears) genuinely sorry. However, if they were genuinely sorry, it wouldn't happen again. Not only that but the volience is rarely in isolation - it normally comes with mental abuse from your partner, however subtle. It took me a little while to realise that.

My only regret was not to have left her after the first incident.

theren_911, you don't want to hear this mate but you need to get out of there. I'm afraid it will never change.

[Drusilla1S]

Feminists like myself have argued long and hard for equal treatment under the law and it is only fair that such treatment is equal in cases of violence. If a woman hits a man, she should be arrested.

I would advise a woman to leave a violent man and I would suggest you consider doing the same, especially if your girlfriend refuses to accept she has a problem with alcohol and refuses to address her violent outbursts and their underlying cause.

[kick3m0n]

I couldn't put it any better than Quizmonkey has.

[Gevs1966]

Hit her back. If she is "man" enough to hit you she should be "man" enough to take one back.

[spaced]

even if a woman hits you, there is no justification in hitting her back. Never hit a woman, its lowest of the low.

[Englishbird]

I don't agree with that, I can't stand women who hit men and then screem blue murder that they've been hit back. Damn well deserve it if that's the road they've gone down.

[shazbang]

I know a couple this happened to. The girl always battered her boyfriend (who, by the way, is an extremely well brought up bloke with enormous respect for women and is an excellent father and by no means a soft touch). It was always worse when she'd 'had a few' and the things she called him were appalling. Anyway one night the guy had enough and slapped her back. Her family went beserk and he was made out to be the biggest b*st*rd that walked the earth. To be honest I would've hit her myself and dont blame the poor guy at all.

Its time to stop the double standards. Some women think they can hit a bloke if they want and get away with it. Violence is always wrong no matter what context its used in.

[theren_911]

Thanks everyone who expressed concern for me. I appreciate it ;-)

I'm not Trapped in a violent relationship, I told her that if she try's anything like that again I'll put the same effort into hitting her back. Fairs fair.

[spaced]

such women can be restrained and taught a lesson that way, rather than being dragon punched

[Bohne]

Been there, done that...

Today for me it would not be acceptable from anyone!

[lizzierose]

think its often seen as worse because 9 times out of 10 the man is very much stronger than the woman. this doesn't mean men should put up with being hit o way, but if things got way out of hand they are much more likely to be able to defend themselves, like someone said earlier just restaining the woman. i know just from messing around that my boyfriend can render me completely immobile just by grabbing my wrists and I have no such power over him none at all. there's pretty much nothing i can do to him in a similar vain, as he does tower over me by about 8 inches and is nearly double my weight. I know this isn't always the case but I think its the general physical bias that gives women's cases a greater coerage and support.

but anyway back to the original question. just because most men have the means to defend themselves does not mean they should get battered. they may not want to use these means because they don't want to hurt their partner, or from other posts I've seen get accused themselves. you just shouldn't hit people you're meant to be in love with! there's a serious problem there get out of it!