Smoking

[indieanna86]

Following on from dilf's post earlier (well done btw!). I live with my folks still, my mum smokes, my dad quit years ago. I've never really complained about my mum smoking before but the other day I casually asked if she'd consider trying the NHS stop smoking thing. She practically exploded! Said that if I don't like it I can move out as its her house (which I pay the rent for). Quite offended by this I said that it affects my health as well as hers. Her reply to this was that if she carries on we'll both die and she won't have to listen to me moan about it.

So I guess what I'm asking is, if someone (who is usually a very sweet, caring mum) would rather her daughter died than attempt to give up the fags, shouldn't she realise that that is the point when she realllllly should give up?!?!

[boro1986]

Your mother is right its her home so if you dont like it get your own place

[warpig1]

indieanna, I think I may know where your mum is coming from here, basically noone likes to be asked or told what to do even if it is for their own good and they are only being asked because you care about them and their health. My mum has mentioned to me many times to give up smoking and while I know she is completely right, in some stupid and arrogant way this makes me dig my heels in further, I cant really explain it, but know that I do it. Sadly if my explanation is correct this is not much use to you as basically until your mum decides to give up of her own accord she will continue smoking.

[warpig1]

Oops, sorry forgot to mention, the bit about her saying you both would die, that is just a defence mechanisim because she knows she cannot justify her actions especially when they affect you, she didn't meant it,of that I am sure.

[idalovett]

You can't start making demands (no matter how nicely you ask) for your Mother to change her ways just to please you. If you don't like the smoke then move into a place of your own.

[B00]

Agree with all of the above I'm afraid, her house, she can do what she wants in it.

I smoke, and I too get very defensive when told how it effects my health etc etc etc, I already know thank you very much!!

[indieanna86]

To all the people saying its her house, I'd just like to remind that although the house is in her name I pay the rent for it each month and I don't just mean housekeep, therefore its as much mine as it is hers thank you very much.

Thanks to pa__ul and warpig1 for the less narrow minded answers :)

[whiskeysheri]

Hi, hun!

I know exactly what you mean. I still live with my mum, too and her smoking is the one thing that we argue about. She doesn't actually smoke in the house, though.

She's given up on numerous occasions for several years at a time. I just find it so frustrating every time she starts again, as I'd never want anything to happen to her.

I put my hands up and admit I can be a pain about it, as I'm so anti-smoking, it's just upsetting to see. :o(

x

[B00]

Why are our replies narrowminded just because we don't agree with you?

[andy-hughes]

When people over-react to something in this way, it's a sign that you have touched a nerve.

Your mum knows that smoking is bad for her, and for you, and probably would like to stop, but is unable to do so. It may be that it preys on her mind, so when you mention it, she feels a totally disporoprtionate sense of attack, and defends herself more vociferously than is necessary, and probably than she intends.

It is an over-simplistic answer on here to simply say 'if you don't like it, move out' without knowing your circumstances.

I think you should certainly leave the issue alone, unless your mum brings it up, in which case you can probably discuss her fears more realisitcally with her.

It's not an easy situation, and it will take a large amount of patience and tact to help your mum see that help is there, and all she needs to do is ask.

[battersby]

I agree with andy on this one indieanna, I posted in about my life long friend who was given 18 months to live if she does'nt give up the smoke's. In fairness,she tried not smoking with the use of an inhilator from the hospital and when she had her next check up they were really pleased with her lung function results. But she went back on the cigs before Xmas.She can barely walk,uses a mobility scooter for getting out yet if anyone suggest's her having another go at cutting down even she hits the roof! Her hubby's found her crying and she's admitted its because she cant stop smoking. We cant help her as she explodes!

[indieanna86]

I just find it so sad. She's my mum and knowing that she willingly sucks on poison everyday, knowing that she'll only try stopping when she becomes ill is so upsetting. I know its an addiction and its hard for all smokers, but I don't want to lose my mum to something so pathetic yknow? :(

[battersby]

Yeh it is hard indie, I feel the same about my friend but as she says "It's my life" so there's nothing we can do to persuade her to have another go. I managed to give up the fags 20 years ago,yeh it was hard but I've never regretting doing it except for the weight I gained thro' guzzling. My daughter's BF is trying to give up,no looking at him but I think he''ll do it. I know it's a delicate subject but would your mum consider trying a subliminal tape/cd at least?

[SRH]

If she wants to kill herself, fair enough, but it's not fair imposing it on you. I quit smoking three months ago (after smoking for 16 years) and swore I wouldn't become an evangelical ex-smoker. But even when I smoked I made every effort not to inflict it on other people. I've never smoked in my parents' or boyfriend's houses - even if it was raining I would go outside with my brolly or sit in my car - and had no problem sitting in non-smoking sections of pubs and restaurants while, again, nipping out for fags. The problem with the majority of smokers is that while they claim to be perfectly happy as a smoker, given the chance to do it again they wouldn't have that first cigarette. Having every aspect of your life governed over by an addiction is far from fun. I have to say though that the more people pestered me to quit the more I dug my heels in. Eventually I read Allen Carr's Easyway to Quit book and stopped there and then. His is the least patronising and most common sense way to approach quitting. But persuading your mum to read it is another matter - noone, least of all a smoker, likes to be told what to do. Just don't forget that when she's getting angry with you she's probably angry with herself too for being so dependent on nicotine. Nothing gives your self esteen quite the battering that the knowledge that you don't have control over something that is doing you damage. But if you can persuade her in any way, shape or form to read Allen Carr's book then it might just change things... Good luck.