A Big Gift To My Daughter

[anaxcrosswords]

Hi folks, just wondering if any of you can either confirm or allay my concerns about something. Tiny bit of background first:
My ex and I split up about 12 years ago and we have a daughter who I love more than I can possibly describe. She’s 15, and her mum has three other kids by her new (then) partner, the oldest of whom can’t be more than about 10 years old.
My mum has just gifted £10k into my daughter’s bank account. As my daughter will definitely be going to university this financial help is a godsend and I’m hugely grateful – but I also have a concern. My relationship with my ex has always been civil, but I have no dealings with her other children, don’t want to have; they’re nothing to do with me. But, obviously, they are part of my daughter’s life and – age difference aside – in terms of a family of kids they are what I’d think of as equals, certainly within that family environment. What scares me (perhaps ‘scares’ is too strong a word) is how this £10k gift might be seen by anyone who isn’t my daughter. It’s already the case that, because my side of the family is wealthy, my daughter’s life is a fantastic mix of gifts and expensive holidays of the type the other kids – and their mother and father, of course – don’t enjoy.
My fear is that this big financial gift could be divisive; my daughter suddenly being given the sort of financial security which her brothers/sisters never will. To be fair, she’s rapidly approaching the age where, frankly, it won’t matter – she’ll effectively be making her own way in the world anyway. But am I right to have these concerns?

[boxtops]

I think you're worrying unnecessarily. Your daughter is part of both families but is lucky enough to be able to benefit from your side of the family - the other children don't have that, but have no right to, either. Is it really any of their business?

[woofgang]

In what sense to you mean right? Do you mean "in the right" and your Mum shouldn't have done it? Do you mean "right to be worried" because by me there is no point worrying unless there is something that you can/will do about it.

[chrissa1]

Maybe your mother should have put the money in an account that she couldn't touch until she is 18.

Is that your worry? That she might be squander it?

[pusskin]

really do agree with boxtops.

[boxtops]

I read it that anax is worried that the other younger children will resent the money on the elder daughter's side of the family.

They might, but they can't do anything about it - the family's entitled to give funds to their granddaughter, the other family doesn't (IMO) play a part in that decision.

[Canary42]

I understand your concerns, but there isn't really much you can do about it.

Your daughter could of course share out her windfall with her (half-)siblings, it's her choice - how would that affect your future gift intentions ?

[Mamyalynne]

If your daughter is as caring, sensible and sensitive as you sound, then I doubt she will wave it under their noses.


She should use the money wisely to get through her Uni and Education when the time comes, it will only be a problem if it is brought up constantly.

[Peaspeculiars]

Any financial input yourself or your family wish to give are for your daughter and not for the other children even necessarily know about, you can't be expected to treat someone else's children the same so don't feel guilty. Your daughter is extremely lucky to have this financial support.
However, I think perhaps a gift of £10k is a little large to be given to a 15 year old, especially if it is destined for her university fees - could this be moved into a high interest account until she reaches university age?
If I was a 15 year old with that much in my bank account, I wouldn't keep quiet about it, particularly if I fell out with my siblings and wanted to use it to antagonise them. She may also tell someone unsavoury, who could try and gets their mitts on the money.
I'm not trying to insinuate that your daughter hasn't got good common sense or is unable to know when people are genuine, but people may change in their behaviour towards her if they know she has what is seen as a lot of cash at that age.
If it was me, given that the money has already been gifted, I would chat to her and explain my concerns, and offer her the option of several savings ideas which would lock at least part (if not most) of the money away for a few years until she can use it wisely.

[Sparkles62]

I think that your daughter is a very fortunate young lady, and the fact that you are concerned that it may cause a rift between her and her siblings only goes to show that you care.
Fifteen year old girls can be very impulsive, maybe it would be a good idea to sit down with her and look through some high interest savings accounts, that would keep her money safe until she needs it, and will increase with interest whilst she waits to spend it. X

[237SJ]

I wouldn`t worry about it. She is the only child in the family who is a blood relative of your mother so why shouldn`t she give some money to her? There is no reason why your daughter needs to tell anybody where she got the money from either - she could have taken out a student loan, for all they know.

[jno]

I don't think siblings (let alone half siblings) need know what's in her bank account.

[silliemillie]

Maybe your Mother (or you) could sit down with her & make it clear that the money is for her future (Uni) and not for squandering.

Agree with Sparkles, perhaps you could help her invest it someone that's not very easy to withdraw until she needs it.

[anaxcrosswords]

Thanks all for your replies so far.
I think one of the big positives in this is that my daughter really does have a damn good head on her shoulders. Spoiled as she is, it would be easy to think that it would turn her into the sort of person we wouldn’t want her to be – the archetypal spoilt kid. But she’s street smart, articulate and very intelligent, constant top of the class material. So I doubt that her new wealth is going to be used in the wrong way and, of course, there is always the option of us trying to ensure it gets invested wisely. By ‘the wrong way’, I’d also include the notion of her bragging about it to her siblings or mentioning it to people she shouldn’t; but there will be opportunity for us to talk about that anyway.
My main concern was that her mum could see this gift as somehow ‘unfair’. I have to be brutally honest about this; I won’t say she’s unintelligent, but she was brought up with a narrow world view, and she tends to take very few things into account when she forms an opinion on something. I just think it will be very, very easy for her to misunderstand why this gift to my daughter can only be for her.

[silliemillie]

anax - I hear what you say but your daughter is your Mothers grand child, the others are not, your ex must try to understand this.

[sherrardk]

I have the opposite problem, FIL has put money away for boy #1 but nothing for the others (miserable old git). Will have to cross that bridge when the boy turns 18.

[anaxcrosswords]

And you’ve hit the nail on the head, sherrardk. The intentions and motives can be 100% good, but there’s always room for resentment somewhere. The problem is trying to anticipate it in such a way that there’s no negative impact on my daughter. Her mum, her partner and the other kids are of no concern to me – I can’t make room in my life for them to be – but I just want to feel sure that my daughter’s relationship with them isn’t adversely affected by this money.
However, from all of your responses so far I do feel more comfortable about it.

[askyourgran]

I wouldn't worry about it at all. The gift was made to your daughter from her Grandmother, the other half-siblings should be looked after by your ex-wife and her new partner. It shouldn't be devisive there is an age difference between your daughter and the other children, and expect she will be leaving the household in a few years time to to to university. Her mother will not have to find the money. The only thing I can say about this is that we have gifted our granddaughter with 10k, but it is held in trust for her until she is older. Maybe she will need a deposit to buy a house, a car, or use it to get married. As it is it is at present it is gaining money in shares and she will have it when required. Your daughter deserves the security that your mother has given her.

[sherrardk]

I don't think your daughter should feel any sort of guilt or share her windfall, it's just part of the territory with 'blended' families.