Whats The Best Way To Deal With Passive Aggressive Behaviour?

[Retrochic]

After its been pointed out by one of my adult daughters that my OH (not her dad) is seriously passive aggressive, I've been researching on the net what it is and reasons etc. When I started to read examples it was as if someone had described him down to a T but what I can't get straight is HOW to deal with the behaviour. Do you ignore the wind-ups, 'forgetfulness' , deliberate procrastination and all the other signs, or do you point out when they are being PA, let them know 'you know' what they are doing? We've been together a long time and I worked out a while back what he was doing and why, but didn't know it had a name. He used to wind me up to the point I would explode with frustration , then the problem would be me (crazy woman) not him, and everything negative that has ever happened to him has never been because of his bad choices but because of other people or situations. Now I don't take the bait and rarely raise my voice yet if we have a disagreement he will say 'stop going off on one' even if I keep my voice low and calm on purpose.Don't get me wrong, I don't want to leave him just cope with him in the best way. I mentioned last night what I'd read and said it sounded like him -he just got up ,said something sarcastic like 'well that's a lot of complicated long words for you isn't it? -and went to bed. I suppose if I kept my mouth shut,never asked him to do anything in the house or organize anything, he'd be quite happy, is that the solution?

[boxtops]

... or it may be something from their early years - one of the links I posted gives some interesting insights into where this may be originating. Makes sense to me.

[Retrochic]

Ummmmm Thanks for that, if he didn't have a lot of good in him we would not have lasted as long as we have and its not black and white and not one-sided either. Well I took the bull by the horns and printed off some of the articles in the links and asked him if he would read them. Surprisingly he did and even more surprisingly agreed that he was 'a bit like that' (small steps). We rarely talk about his childhood as he clamps up but he pointed out that where the article mentioned a lack of demonstrative love from parents, not been allowed to show feelings,getting punished for having opinions or being put off with 'we'll see' when asking for stuff instead of an honest 'no we can't afford it at the moment' -all this happened to him along with him being told once by his father he was a 'mistake'. Anyway, he's going to try and be a bit more honest and I'm going to not take the bait if he winds me up (difficult as I just like to get things out in the open and thrash things out). I will , however, as kvalidir says, let him know when he starts on this behaviour and just say matey I'm not going there you tell me what you really want or don't want to do and we'll sort it up front. See how long this lasts but I feel a bit emotional now and I wish he would just realise I would rather have the truth and get annoyed ( like no I'm never going to finish that project as I'm bored stiff) rather than get put offs, sulking and being called a nag. I will not facilitate his behaviour (learned that as well last night) lol!

[Retrochic]

boxtops our posts crossed as you will read its probably from his early years

[boxtops]

Good luck, retrochic - Well done.

[curlyperm11]

When i first read your post, i thought. 'Ooh never heard of passive aggressive, i shall Google it'. And i did and my goodness.......this is the man i was married to for 20 years!! I left him in 2007 and divorced him in 2008, i always said to people that he was a 'control freak' and an 'emotional bully' because i just didnt think there was an exact diagnosis! Wow, it felt so good to read about it, for the best part of 20 years i'd questioned my own behaviour. (Always being put down, told i was thick, and his famous put down was that everything i touched turned to s??t ) then sulking his way through days when i retaliated! He is now with someone else, and when i have to see them with regards to our daughter, he is EXACTLY the same with her! (Poor cow). Just sorry i didnt leave sooner!
I hope you manage to manage. : )