The Closest I Ever Got......

[Canary42]

The closest I ever got to a 100% in college was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world but it's OK; everyone knows me here.

At my advanced age I don't do drugs because I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for £1 at bowling alleys.

I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.

Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mum's wise words: ' Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!'

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place.

Don't argue with an idiot; people listening may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

[Old_Geezer]

I like those :-)

[bookbinder]

Very good, Canary42! I'm going to send them to my wife's brother-in-law. He appreciates a good one-liner (as do I!).

[cupid04]

//shopping tip shoes for a £1// But you wouldn't be able to get own shoes back...lol at the rest!!!

[Old_Geezer]

That exercise one reminds me of an incident I had in real life. Being overweight at the time (not uncommon in my life) I started going to an aerobics class. At one point we were all sat on the floor and supposed to lean forward, try to touch our toes IIRC. Then the teacher calls out, "Anyone touching the floor with their stomach yet ?". I so wanted but didn't have the nerve to call out, "That's what I came here to stop happening !"

[marval]

I like those.