Cant live without my little Nephew!!

[MyLove]

You are probably going to think I am being soft but this is a real problem for me. My Nephew is nearly two years old, my younger sister is a single parent and ever since he was born I have been like a second mother to him (and her!). I see him almost everyday and babysit almost every weekend so that my sister can have time to herself and go out with her friends.Two years ago I did some volunteering work in Africa and met a wonderfull man. I love him and we keep in contact everyday. I regulary go to Africa to visit. We share the same dreams and he would love me to move out there with him. I love my man and I want to be with him forever and moving to be with him is something that I do want to do. I am 40yrs old and this is my chance to have a new life with him, we would love to have our own children as I do not have children of my own yet. There are two things which are stopping me, first of all my sister thinks I should stay in the UK, she says if I leave she will not have any help with my nephew (mums too old and the rest of the family dont want to help) and secondly and I cant bring myself to leave my nephew! I love him so much and can't imagine not seeing his little smiling face everyday, he is so beautiful. I am torn, Am I being selfish wanting a life for myself? I keep thinking if I stay here my nephew will grow up and I will have missed out on my own life, but I am so sad at the thought of leaving him, Advice needed please.

[oldernowiser]

Your sister is fairly selfish from the sound of it, and your happiness should come first - BUT, at the age he is, your nephew is the most vulnerable in all this. Is there a worry that he might be neglected if you moved away, or that your sister's disappointment at not being able to have time to herself at weekend might result in her taking it out on her son? I wonder if you could gradually increase the length of your stays in Africa, so that eventually you are visiting your nephew rather than your partner. This would get everybody used to the idea that you won't be around like you used to.
Children are very adaptable, and your sister is going to adapt too. And there are all sorts of ways to keep in touch now eg. phones, web-cams etc. Good luck!

[Ice.Maiden]

In a way, your sister's using emotional blackmail - saying that she won't have any help with her son, etc. If she's working, then surely she can afford childcare, and if she's not - then as esther says, it's no hardship to look after your own child. When you become a parent, you can't expect to go gallivanting off like you could before children came along. Your own happiness should now come first, and there's still time for you to have a family of your own. Try an extended stay in Africa, before making any big decisions about a life there, and whatever happens, your nephew'll grow up whether you're around or not - so good luck to you.

[divegirl]

Just wanted to add to the above advice.....
You say you visit Africa regularly.....just turn it round...live there and visit here! What if in 6 months time your sister meets a man and doesn't 'need' you so much?
For what it's worth I think you should go....lifes to short to miss oppertunities [sp] like this one!

Good luck hun!

Lisa x

[ethanryan]

hi my love, i really feel for you. at the moment i dont see my nephews aged 1 and 3 as there mother has took them away from us all through spite. i miss them like mad and often get quite upset knowing that there mom dont really have a clue to be honest. she has always had us lot around her to help her, and i too worry about how the boys are being brought up.
but you do need to let go. you nephew wont be a small child forever and you could have missed out on a great oppertunity and a fantastic new life.
could youer sister and nephew not start a new life over there with you, i dont mean live with you. i am not sure if it possible due to visas etc. or even if you would want them to, but at least you will have your new man and still have your nephew near by to look out for him.

[Uttingbuzz]

I believe heavily in fate and the fact you have a chance of happiness for yourself I think you should grab it by the horns, I know it must be hard but your sister chose to have a child and although I am not familiar with how she became a single mum in being a Mum she is responsible for her child. You sound like you have been a rock for her but if she has friends she sees regularly wont they be able to babysit for her and give her a rest every now and then. Some people arent as lucky to have a sister like you in the first place that will be so involved but you will end up resenting her if you dont follow your own path. I like to live by the motto dont regret the things you do only the things you didnt, dont let this be a regret for you as it will stay with you forever. Your nephew and sister can visit and you can visit back here too.

[MiniN]

sieze the day, mylove.

you have a chance at happiness and having your own children. you can't let this pass you by.

your sister is being selfish and is only thinking about who will babysit when she wants to go out. thats not your responsibility. perhaps leaving your sister, you may be forcing her in to a better relationship with her son where she will start putting him first.

live your own live because non of us are getting any younger.

have you decided what you are going to do yet?

[theonlyone]

Go to Africa ...come back and visit ..
life is very short ...go for it ...
have a lovely life with a lovely man ...
Good Luck ...

[MyLove]

Thank you so much, I am really overwhelmed by the response! My sister decided she wanted a baby even though she knew her boyfriend didn't. That is why he left the minute he found out she was pregnant. Unfortunatley he still doesnt want anything to do with the baby. Having said that she is a really good mum, but she does like a "break" at weekends. She is very luckty to have me and all her friends (and mine) tell her this. In a way she has been spoilt, I was there at the birth and I have been there ever since.

I too believe in fate, I think I have got the chance of a "second life" I have made the decision to take it. At the end of the day, if it doesnt work out for me there, I can just come back!

It is going to be really, really hard to let go of my nephew, just thinking about it makes me so emotional! When I see him now, I know that soon I will be saying a little goodbye to him for a long time (maybe a year or so) and it completely breaks my heart.

[EngTeach]

MyLove,
My sister and her 6 yr old daughter live with me, so I understand your problem. I think you are right to follow your heart. The others are right, would your sister show the same consideration for you? I think about this type of scenario all the time. Where would my sister go/ She works very hard, but can not take care of herself financially.
So what would happen then? However she would leave me hanging for rent in a minute if a guy could provide better for her. I love my niece to pieces and consider myself her 'other parent' (her dad is in the wind), so I get those guilt feelings you are having.

Good luck!

[Ice.Maiden]

Well I think you'd be doing the right thing by going on that trip, MyLove. Think of the wonderful things that you'll be able to tell your nephew about , one day. It's not just that you have to take the chance of a new life for yourself, but getting overly-close to the little chap isn't going to help you. Of course you love him, but you're not his mum. It's now your turn to experience what's out there waiting for YOU, and his mum'll have to adapt in the best way she can. I wish you all the best yet again, and I'm sure it's a chance not to be missed. x

[MyLove]

Wow, I have just come accross this post from 2008, I didnt leave the Uk and move to Africa but I did travel there a lot and got married to my man, unfortunatley he was killed in an accident a couple of years ago, I am left with our beautiful child. Unfortunatley my sister has not changed and she is still as selfish as ever!