Christmas Dilemma - Serious Answers Only

[Stephen_G]

please.

In the past 18 months or so I have lost both my Father (March 2013) and Mother (August 2014). I don't feel like celebrating the "Big day" (Although I don't want to blame what has happened - I have felt like this for years). I have had a request to go to my Sister's (In Somerset) but I've turned that down. Since then, I have had another three offers to visit other families (Two of those are from Relatives, and the other is from my best mate's Mother). I'm not the sort of person to want to let anyone down, but I can't help feeling like it is inevitable - someone is going to get upset.

I know I'd get a phone call on Christmas Day from my Sister, or I could use my Computer and speak to them all on Skype. I'm not involved in any sort of relationship and don't have any kids of my own. I really don't know what to do...

[ducksie]

I've had this going on in my own life at this time of year, both parents passed within last 5 years, I live alone, no children or pets, family (and they are a large family) have asked me to theirs for Christmas but I've told them all nicely that I would prefer stay in my own surroundings on Christmas day, I won't be down (maybe a little, but not too much) I have my own routine and last year at my brothers, I felt very much like he had drawn the short straw to have me there for Christmas, not that he did or said anything to make me feel that, it was just how I felt myself and decided I'm alone now, and that I may get used to it. I'll be glad to see them call over to me later in the evening if they so wish. It's a tough time of year but I've well and truly drummed it into my mind - it's only one day - that'll keep me going, maybe I'll have a nap in the afternoon.

[Stephen_G]

Thank you for those that have taken the time to read the thread and leave a reply.

It's weird that I made a list of Christmas Cards, posted the far away few, done the through-the-letterbox ones on the Estate and placed the ones the family have received around the house, but there are no decorations up (Not that it's Christmas Eve and I'm sat here thinking I've left it a little too late). My Sister took all the presents for her lot in October.

I wish I could articulate better what I want to say about how I feel, but I can't bothered with any of it (Not the invitations for Lunch or a bit of Hospitality).

[jourdain2]

Stephen_G I'm just re-reading 'A Christmas Carol' (ignore films etc.) the message is about making an effort to go out and meet people. Scrooge was a non-person; he didn't care if he was called 'Scrooge' or 'Marley'. He grew as a person through understanding the plights of others and his own isolation.

It's up to you, but my advice about seizing the courage to go out and give your presence to others, stands. (OK I'm influenced by current reading, but I think I'd offer the same sentiments whatever.)

[askyourgran]

You know that you are welcome to go to visit any of those people over Christmas, and that is your choice, and they will surely respect your wish to visit one of those people if you wanted to, or stay put. Perhaps after the last 18 months of change in your life you want to spend the first Christmas in quiet contemplation. Maybe next year you will feel like going somewhere.

I think what Ducksie means that being alone among couples makes some people feel self conscious, but I'm sure that they are glad to see you, rather than worry about you sitting alone.

[ducksie]

something like that AYG, hard to explain really

[soapnumpty]

Sometimes it is best to make yourself go out, and you'll probably be surprised to find that you've enjoyed yourself. Without knowing you it's hard to know what to suggest. I remember the first Xmas without my dad. Luckily I still have my mum. It was tough and I think the best thing for me was being around family and we could share a few happy memories. It was good to be around people that were feeling the same as me. Only you can decide what is best for you. Are any of these people near enough that you could pop in and if you decide it's not what you want you could go home? Don't worry about upsetting people. Just be honest, they will understand.

[boxtops]

Stephen - there's something about Christmas that makes some people feel that other people just can't be on their own at Christmas, that it's just not right. I spent one Christmas on my own, although my mum and family were just down the road - I had my reasons, and they respected them, and I went down there at teatime for a couple of hours. It's you that matters - if they think you will be sitting feeling sorry for yourself, they'll feel bad, whether you like it or not - so show them you won't. Sign up to help at your local soup kitchen, or something like that - there are always people needing volunteer help on Christmas Day. Do it your way!

[woofgang]

I think you should do what you feel you want to do. If you don't want to volunteer then don't. If you want to reassure the folk who obviously care about you then you could say thanks for the invitation but you really don't feel up to it this year, and tell them that you are going to watch TV and eat what you feel like and refresh your spirit and that you will see them all in the New Year.
I have never been one for big Christmas celebrations and I agree that if you aren't feeling cheerful anyway its so not going to help.

[Stephen_G]

Yes soapnumpty, some of the people I have mentioned are local, so it's not too far for a Christmas Day hike, and I'm sure if I asked really nicely I could get someone to come and pick me up.

I'll give it a bit more thought and make a decision by the end of the weekend. That way I can pop back into this thread and read any new replies. Please rest assured that my spirits are good and I'm getting on with things as best I can.

[China Doll]

I got sick of feeling like a spare prick at a wedding a few years back while trying to please both parents (divorced) as their other two daughters couldn't spent Christmas with them. I would end up seeing mum at Christmas and dad on boxing day. I'd rather have been in PJ's with a bottlw of bubbles to myself. So the next year I went to Australia! Obviously that's fairly drastic but if I ever felt that way again then I'd not put myself through the ordeal. I'd rather be at home doing my own thing than trying to please other people out of a sense of duty.

[DaisyNonna]

I can understand your feeling that you want to be alone.
Have you thought that your sister might really appreciate having you with her at Christmas? She may also feeling bereft. She also suffered a great loss. Families need each other.

[bunkmoreland]

Like you,I have lost both my parents and Christmas is just a period in the year to be got through. A few years back,for various reasons I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day entirely on my own. I had been invited to my sister's,but,it would have been too crowded etc and I just prefered to have my own space. As it turned out,I actually had quite a good time to myself. I had the house and telly to myself,cooked my own Christmas dinner to eat when I wanted and had lots of snacks to hand. Rented some videos and didn't have to watch any typical "festive" offerings. The thought of Christmas on your own,is a bit scary,but,you should do what YOU want and need,and firmly but politely,thank all the offers and assure people you will be fine on your own. That was my experience,it may not be for you. Good luck with your decision x

[paddywak]

I know from personal experience what you're going through Stephen,31 years ago on the 23rd December my mother had a heart attack and died which led to the worst Christmas ever especially trying to explain to the kids why their granny wasn't there to see them open the presents.Even now Christmas is pretty much a none event but you do get through it even if you have to pretend a lot.

[Stephen_G]

Merde!

Daisy, that hadn't really crossed mind, but, you're absolutely right. Will have to go away and think even harder now...

Sleep well everyone.