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Christmas Announcements (1)
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CHANGING CHRISTMAS:
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated - thanks Barmaid. . . Please read the following carefully:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the South-East of the UK on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, particularly in Ozzieland, Stuey land and that disaster where Sqad lives, my contract was renegotiated by Scottish & Faeroes HansUrbanka Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Wales, Scotland, Northern Ireland and the northern English counties, Yorkshire excepted as it's too big and the natives are AOG-TTT-Gromit-Mikey stroppy.
As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for caviar and whisky so keep that in mind. However, I made certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Mrs O Claus. Her side of the family is from the South Pole. She shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, even to cupid, albs, minty, mazie and daisy; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a JW stealing your presents from Mrs O Claus. She has a gun rack on her sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: 'These toys insured by Purdey Guns,' sponsored by naomi and NoM.
2. Instead of milk and biscuits, Mrs O Claus prefers that children leave a Champagne bottle and Whitby fish and chips [or marigolds] on the fireplace. And Mrs O doesn’t smoke a pipe. She dips a little of Ed's weed though, so please have an empty venator spit can handy.
3. Mrs O; sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying Baldric and Ratter dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning her a couple of my reindeer one time, and, Holy Zac, Blitzen’s head now overlooks Mrs O’s fireplace.
4. You won’t hear On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen . . ., when Mrs O Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, On Sunny, on Tony, on Slappy and Excel. On Bernie, on Blackadder, on Talbo and Boaty.
5. Ho, ho, ho! has been replaced by “Eee Oop!” And you also are likely to hear Mrs O’s elves respond, “You're in me red book!”
6. As required by Yorkshire highway laws, Mrs O Claus’ sleigh does have a Barnsley safety triangle on the back with the words “Back off or I'll shoot you”.
The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Sloopy boat or Daisy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a Pasta caricature of me (dtc Santa Claus) going wee-wee over Nungate's and Queenie's garden wall.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “MaggieBee on 34th Street,” "GrannyGrump" and It’s a “Wonderful Gness” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Psybbo Saves Christmas” and “Excel and the Trekky IV” featuring Old Geezer as Santa Claus and dozens of Mamya's Bolton police cars crashing into each other.
8. Mrs O doesn’t wear a belt, International models don't do that sort of thing. If I were you, I’d make sure you, your wife/hubby, and the kids turn the other way when she bends over to put presents under the tree. The pink and purple underwear.....well, it is quite a sight as Prudie well knows.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung like “Pixie The Red-nosed Dear,” Silent RedHelen" and Bing Crosby’s “Lady J's Coming to Town”. This year songs about Mrs O Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Factor-Fiction’s “Mrs O Claus Shot Marval's Comedy box”, Eddie51's “All I Want for Christmas Is Ummm and a Six Pack”, and Hank Williams Jr.’s “If You Don’t Like Mrs O Claus, You can Shove It up your Ducksie.
Sincerely Yours, DTC Santa Claus
(member of the Scottish and Faeroes Fairies and Elves Local 209)
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated - thanks Barmaid. . . Please read the following carefully:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the South-East of the UK on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, particularly in Ozzieland, Stuey land and that disaster where Sqad lives, my contract was renegotiated by Scottish & Faeroes HansUrbanka Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Wales, Scotland, Northern Ireland and the northern English counties, Yorkshire excepted as it's too big and the natives are AOG-TTT-Gromit-Mikey stroppy.
As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for caviar and whisky so keep that in mind. However, I made certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Mrs O Claus. Her side of the family is from the South Pole. She shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, even to cupid, albs, minty, mazie and daisy; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a JW stealing your presents from Mrs O Claus. She has a gun rack on her sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: 'These toys insured by Purdey Guns,' sponsored by naomi and NoM.
2. Instead of milk and biscuits, Mrs O Claus prefers that children leave a Champagne bottle and Whitby fish and chips [or marigolds] on the fireplace. And Mrs O doesn’t smoke a pipe. She dips a little of Ed's weed though, so please have an empty venator spit can handy.
3. Mrs O; sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying Baldric and Ratter dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning her a couple of my reindeer one time, and, Holy Zac, Blitzen’s head now overlooks Mrs O’s fireplace.
4. You won’t hear On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen . . ., when Mrs O Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, On Sunny, on Tony, on Slappy and Excel. On Bernie, on Blackadder, on Talbo and Boaty.
5. Ho, ho, ho! has been replaced by “Eee Oop!” And you also are likely to hear Mrs O’s elves respond, “You're in me red book!”
6. As required by Yorkshire highway laws, Mrs O Claus’ sleigh does have a Barnsley safety triangle on the back with the words “Back off or I'll shoot you”.
The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Sloopy boat or Daisy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a Pasta caricature of me (dtc Santa Claus) going wee-wee over Nungate's and Queenie's garden wall.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “MaggieBee on 34th Street,” "GrannyGrump" and It’s a “Wonderful Gness” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Psybbo Saves Christmas” and “Excel and the Trekky IV” featuring Old Geezer as Santa Claus and dozens of Mamya's Bolton police cars crashing into each other.
8. Mrs O doesn’t wear a belt, International models don't do that sort of thing. If I were you, I’d make sure you, your wife/hubby, and the kids turn the other way when she bends over to put presents under the tree. The pink and purple underwear.....well, it is quite a sight as Prudie well knows.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung like “Pixie The Red-nosed Dear,” Silent RedHelen" and Bing Crosby’s “Lady J's Coming to Town”. This year songs about Mrs O Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Factor-Fiction’s “Mrs O Claus Shot Marval's Comedy box”, Eddie51's “All I Want for Christmas Is Ummm and a Six Pack”, and Hank Williams Jr.’s “If You Don’t Like Mrs O Claus, You can Shove It up your Ducksie.
Sincerely Yours, DTC Santa Claus
(member of the Scottish and Faeroes Fairies and Elves Local 209)
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