Crosswords3 mins ago
Christmas In The Village...part 3
33 Answers
The door to the Quizzes & Puzzles Arms flew open and PC Andy Hughes strode in. He took in the tableau of Murraymints poised to strike with a baseball bat, Sunny Dave sitting astride a Honda 50cc moped with two mismatched cattle horns tied to the handlebars and a blue plastic bread crate tied to the rear wheel, a large pile of junk on the bar and the most unusual and suspicious spectacle of all - the assembled villagers were totally silent. Shaking his head he nodded at Minty and said "Can I have something strong and erm....non alcoholic please love. Oh, and have you a damp cloth I can use to wipe the blood off my truncheon."
Turning to the assembled throng he said "Have I got this right, you lot are outraged over the incident at the village hall?" All heads nodded cautiously.
"And you are particularly outraged because the incident involved a party for young orphans aged 5 and under?" All heads nodded slightly more enthusiastically.
"OK then" said PC Hughes, getting fully into his stride, "exactly how many orphans aged 5 and under are there in the village?"
The silence was deafening.
"Right, I'll take that as an answer of 'none'. How many orphans aged over 5 years do we have in the village?"
Baldric did some quick sums using his fingers, and for once didn't have to take his shoes and socks off to use his toes as well to work out the answer.
"None?" he volunteered.
"Do we have any bloody orphans in any shape or form living in the village?" barked PC Hughes.
"Well, I am an orphan" said tonyav and quickly followed this with "Owwwww" as an empty bottle flew across the room and hit him on the head.
"So, if we have no orphans living in the village, WHO IS HAVING A FREE PARTY IN THE VILLAGE HALL?"
Just then the door burst open and in stumbled a very dishevelled excuse for Santa Claus. His hat and false beard were askew and he appeared to have several lipstick marks on his cheeks. Several buttons were missing from his jacket, revealing several rolls of unappealing, hairy blubber. Most villagers noticed he had several fingers and one ear missing and immediately recognised him. Ann stepped forward from the crowd and said "Talbot, who on earth said you would make a good Santa? With all your missing appendages from chainsaw mishaps, you'll frighten kiddies to death!"
"Kiddith?" lisped Talbot, "you have to be joking! They are no more kiddith than I am, they are devilth! I'd like to know who organithed thith party."
Sunny-Dave tried to quietly back his moped out of the door, forgetting about the blue plastic bread tray/sleigh tied to the back wheel, which impeded a sneaky exit. With a guilty smile, he said "I think I have made a mistake. I can explain."
TO BE CONTINUED
Turning to the assembled throng he said "Have I got this right, you lot are outraged over the incident at the village hall?" All heads nodded cautiously.
"And you are particularly outraged because the incident involved a party for young orphans aged 5 and under?" All heads nodded slightly more enthusiastically.
"OK then" said PC Hughes, getting fully into his stride, "exactly how many orphans aged 5 and under are there in the village?"
The silence was deafening.
"Right, I'll take that as an answer of 'none'. How many orphans aged over 5 years do we have in the village?"
Baldric did some quick sums using his fingers, and for once didn't have to take his shoes and socks off to use his toes as well to work out the answer.
"None?" he volunteered.
"Do we have any bloody orphans in any shape or form living in the village?" barked PC Hughes.
"Well, I am an orphan" said tonyav and quickly followed this with "Owwwww" as an empty bottle flew across the room and hit him on the head.
"So, if we have no orphans living in the village, WHO IS HAVING A FREE PARTY IN THE VILLAGE HALL?"
Just then the door burst open and in stumbled a very dishevelled excuse for Santa Claus. His hat and false beard were askew and he appeared to have several lipstick marks on his cheeks. Several buttons were missing from his jacket, revealing several rolls of unappealing, hairy blubber. Most villagers noticed he had several fingers and one ear missing and immediately recognised him. Ann stepped forward from the crowd and said "Talbot, who on earth said you would make a good Santa? With all your missing appendages from chainsaw mishaps, you'll frighten kiddies to death!"
"Kiddith?" lisped Talbot, "you have to be joking! They are no more kiddith than I am, they are devilth! I'd like to know who organithed thith party."
Sunny-Dave tried to quietly back his moped out of the door, forgetting about the blue plastic bread tray/sleigh tied to the back wheel, which impeded a sneaky exit. With a guilty smile, he said "I think I have made a mistake. I can explain."
TO BE CONTINUED
Answers
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Well I'm open to invites, Fusion...though MrF might not appreciate my presence when he's undressing.....☺
Tony...I cooked a haggis and lots of trimmings...the gravy stunned the daughter....she asked how I'd made it....I lied....it was a stock pot...but I invented a complicated recipe....
Kylesmum's singing swede went down a treat.....
I think we had a pud but I was three sheets to the wind by then....I nipped out for my first ciggie of the day..on the quiet.....thought I'd got away with it til the daughter said.....Mother!!! Have you been smoking????
I may use the white thing in the kitchen again next year....☺
Tony...I cooked a haggis and lots of trimmings...the gravy stunned the daughter....she asked how I'd made it....I lied....it was a stock pot...but I invented a complicated recipe....
Kylesmum's singing swede went down a treat.....
I think we had a pud but I was three sheets to the wind by then....I nipped out for my first ciggie of the day..on the quiet.....thought I'd got away with it til the daughter said.....Mother!!! Have you been smoking????
I may use the white thing in the kitchen again next year....☺
