Make me laugh

[WiccanKitten]

Come on guys, whats the absolute funniest thing you've ever heard / seen / done?!
Whether its a pants-wettingly funny joke, or a cheap shot at our countries excuse for a government, i wana hear it!!! Make my day! xx

[BigMac]

robieG's attempts at humour on Q&P

[WiccanKitten]

Just checked that out - dear god, makes you think....maybe some people really don't have anyhting better to do! Well said BigMac x

[Will666]

One day a pirate and a barman are talking in a bar and the barman asks "Where did you get the wooden leg from?"
The pirate replied "We were sailing the sea's when a big ol shark came up to me while i was swimming and bit me leg clean off!"
The barman later asked "Well, where did you get the hook from?"
And the pirate reponded with "Well, me crew and i were in a battle and it got cut right through the bone!"
The barman then asked "What about the eye patch?"
And the pirate says "In the harbour, i looked up at a sea gull and it took a huge dump which landed right in me eye."
The barman looked confused and asked "How would that make you need an eye patch?"
To which the pirate said "First day with the hook, lad!"

[WiccanKitten]

classic!!

[Will666]

Best i could do before the watershed. Check out killsometime.com and look for the jokes (sorry, no good at doing links).

[!ightoftruth]

Theres a bear, a lion and a chicken and they're having an argument about whos the hardest.

bear says "when i roar the entire forest trembles"
lion says "when i roar the entire savana quivers in fear"
chicken says "thats nothing all i've got to is cough and the entire world sh!ts itslef

[whiskeysheri]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when
the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "sh*t."

[Will666]

I was watching Carol Vorderman on Countdown today, and i got aroused.
Which is good as it has 7 letters, usually i get 4 or 5.

And for bad taste
I had some bad news, my uncle was stuck off the medical register for having sex with one of his patients. It's a real shame since he was a good vet.

[bellasasha]

go onto body and soul and read posts from a supposed doctor...its hilarious!!!

[heathfield]

During a West Indies v England cricket match, the West Indies bowler sent a vicious bumper down the pitch. The English batsman let out a scream, dropped his bat, and fell writhing to the ground in agony with his hands jammed down between his legs.

As the players gathered round, a young lady broke from the crowd and pushed toward the injured player. "Excuse me!" she said. "I'm a nurse. I know what to do!"

She pulled down the batsman's zip, removed his protector, and began to gently massage his privates. "There!" she said, "Does that feel better?". "That feels simply marvellous, miss." replied the batsman, "But my thumb still hurts like hell!!"

[smurfchops]

I loved the joke today on the radio about John Prescott's affair. Apparently having an affair with John Prescott would be like having a wardrobe falling on top of you with the key in the lock....

[parkesquay]

What did you say ???

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up,and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want
to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced thebest sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river,when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or Down? There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to
him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes, and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, andthe elderly gentleman asked,"Up or Down?" The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or Down?" She replied "Up." This really confused the gentleman, so he asked, "What's the deal?
Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were f**k or drown."

[WiccanKitten]

So needed all of these after my day today! Keep em coming chaps!
!ight of truth - hehehe! funny, and so true!
Whiskeysherri - Bloody fantastic!!!
Will666 - heard the 2nd one before, but the countdown crack creased me up! Nice one!
Heathfield - hahahahaha!
judiewudie - funnily enough, we came up with some similar ones up at the hospuital yesterday following the headline in the Mirror, I'll try to remember some!......
parkesquay - love it!
bellasasha - a doctor???? yeh, and I'm the cookiemonster!

[parkesquay]

Glad you enjoyed it WiccanKitten, hope this also makes you laugh!

THE DEFECTIVE PARROT

Man browsing in a pet shop and tells the owner he is lonely and needs a companion. Petshop owner says he has a parrot who has a PhD and speaks several languages but unfortunately he has no legs. "Then how does he hang onto to his perch?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but I wrap my willie around it and you can't
see it because of my feathers." " Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, hysics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology" Very impressed The man bus the parrot and takes him home.
The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, a great pal and he's insightful. The man delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes
"Psssssssssssst"and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I d tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the man.
"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" he says "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" .
"Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down....."
"WELL???" demands the frantic man, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.

[WiccanKitten]

You've cheered me right up hun! thank goodness for all the lovely AB'ers, i think I'd go quite mad without you! xx