Should my boyfriend disipline my kids????

[alcantar408]

I have a fiance and we are going ot be married in 2 weeks..We have been together for over a year and I have 3 kids by someone else.. I have a problem with him telling my kids what to do.and it's not him telling them it's how he tells them. I HATE IT....I never say anything to his kids when we have them and I feel he needs to let my kids warm up to him before he starts to disipline them..I feel he needs to butt out cause they are my kids not his..We have that problem all the time.. He acts like I'm doing it all wrong but my kids are way older than his kids so how would he know if he has never been thru it himself.. I think he's to strict and he should lay off my kids until they can adjust to him or they will end up hating him and I will end up leaving him cause I cant be with a man that my kids are uncomfortable with.. Am I over reacting???????

[WendyS]

I'm really surprised that you've got to the point of imminent marriage and still haven't sorted out the communication between you on how your are both going to handle your respective children who are all going to be part of your joint family in future. And already you are talking about possibly leaving him because you are uncomfortable about how your children will react to him. Please forgive for me saying this but I think you're putting the cart well before the horse and looking after your own interests in getting married rather than thinking about the well being of your children who apparently are going to be forced to live with a stepfather with whom you can't agree. What sort of security is that for them? They must be hating him already because he is being thrust upon them. Please have a serious discussion with yourself about what your priorities are regarding marriage because unless you and your fiance can agree about this and speak with one voice on the way your children are disciplined, you will be creating a bone of contention which will not go away.

[alcantar408]

I understand what your saying but it just started this way.. It never happened before and now that all the arrangements have started with the wedding and all is confirmed this happens..My father tells me he has a right to tell my kids to do chores and homework but I hate when he does.. That's why I am here asking advice cause I am hearing two sides to it all.. Obne says no no no and the other says well he's the only male roll model the kids have..So I am just confused

[lady_p_gold]

Children have an amazing capacity to judge each person in their own right .. just because your fiance diciplines them in a different way, they will adjust to that and as long as he is fair then they will be ok with it. I had a stepfather and my mother always used to chime in when he used to discipline me and I wished she wouldn't as I was quite able to deal with it. What worries me is that you are getting married in this state of unresolved parenting, you need to talk about this and fast and decide what your strategy is. I think you need to bite your tongue and let him find his way and if necessary speak to him about it when the kids aren't there. I don't suppose you will postpone the wedding but it really needs to be sorted out and fast !

[alcantar408]

I wish I could post pone everything but everything has already been confirmed and invitations have been sent.. Taht does make a lot of sence though.. I sometimes wonder if my kids take advantage of me defending them in order to hav eme all to them selves.. It was always just them and me and I was single for years... I wasnt planning nor did I want to meet anyone and it all happened very fast.. I talk to my kids all the time.. It's like they want all teh good ( playing baseball, playing play station, taking them to the store for candy ect...) but they dont want the bad, The whole do your homework and do your chores stuff.. My kids are 16,13,9.. So they are very smart to the whole thing...I loved your words and it does make sence.. I think sometimes I do over react.. But yes we do need to sort this out and FAST,,,

[kazzianne]

ALCANTAR - 2 things.

1. NEVER get married because you feel it is too late to back out.Thats ludicrous.I did that when I was 18 and had to then go thru a bitter divorce when I was 20.

2.As all the others have told you - how you discipline each others kids should have been your main priority as soon as you got together.You need ground rules and compromises.And you should discipline his kids too or else they will think you are a walkover.Maybe you are too soft with yours and that is why he is trying to take a firm hand with them,but please,sit down with him one eve soon and come to some sort of agreement that will suit you both,or you are right - it will end in tears.

Good luck.xx

[samburusam]

Your boyfriend is a gay. If I was your kid I would smash His face. don't give him arthority. they are your kids

[lady_p_gold]

Remember Princess Diana .... she told her friends that although she was having second thoughts she couldn't back out because she was 'already on the teatowels'.

[Bohne]

You are going to get married in two weeks time, and your children have not had time to get used to their new step-dad?
That's worrying...

I think you cannot expect him to stay out of the education and up-bringing of your children, if you are really planning to be a family.
However, you need to agree on how to do it.

Maybe you should put of the wedding, until more important questions have been resolved!

[suzi-q]

Having been in exactly the same position.

We have managed to reach a kind of plateau. But its been so hard. This can be a real threat to your happiness and you will not feel happy in your new marriage if your conscience is not calm. Believe me I know how guilty this issue can make you feel. A few questions:

Do your children accept his discipline or rebel?

Do you over-compensate maybe because they've been through a traumatic time - thats what I do!

Does he get on with the kids most of the time and just go OTT when they do something he thinks is wrong.

Is he basically a good, kind, fair person - or has he maybe got problems actually accepting that he is going to permanently take on 3 kids. This might by why the problem has recently arisen.

I gotmarried 9 months ago and we are gradually getting to a point where we mostly agree generally on discipline but I still get angry sometimes and cant help standing up for the kids - not in front of them - basically hes fair, firm but maybe a little too critical.

You have got to think - is this man good for you and in the long run your kids too.

Either way be true to yourself - you are a woman and a mother.

Very good luck to you and your family - keep stong. xx

[suzi-q]

Sorry - got to add a bit more

Having re-read your letter its struck me how similar you sound to me.

My boys are great when they are getting something done for them. They ask my husband for help with their mopeds, car, clippering the back of their hair etc etc.

But when he asks for something i.e. put your washing in the basket and bring it down they dont want to do it, or at least not until they're ready.

I give in for a quiet life - a result of living with an ultra critical man (their dad) .

I love having fun and good times with the kids but I shy away from putting my foot down - dont know why maybe coz Im scared they'll ignore me or start a confrontation which I hate.

My husband isnt such a pushover hes pretty good really and I give him a hard time about it - poor bloke.

I really hope you can work this out .