husband seems heading for some sort of crisis - what can i do to help?

[bednobs]

Hi everyone, i would like some advice please. As people may or may not know me and my husbands lives have been turned upside down over the last year with the loss of two children. It is just coming up to six months since our son died at one day old, and we don't now have any other children. After both their deaths, he went back to work after 2 weeks and seemed to get back into "normal life" a lot quicker than me (i am still off six months later, although going back to work next week) there seems to be a bit of light at the end of the tunnel for me because my grief dosen't seem so extreme any more and my periods of being very upset are shorter and further apart now than before. After our daughter died last year, i also had 5 months off work and a course of counselling that helped me a lot through my work. i joined an online forum for people in the same position and it's a big source of comfort to me too.

He dosen't talk about things much (although to be fair neither do i all that much in my real life). I haven't seen him cry for a while (couple of months at least) and i had hoped that things might be easing a bit for him to. however i have noticed recently that he is so snappy, not just with me but with other people, Someone parked in the layby outside our house on saturday and he went out and shouted at them, came in and said "i have no idea why i did that" He says his body just feels constantly under stress, like he has constant adrenaline going that makes him want to lash out. When he was out walking the dogs last night he almost came to blows with another dog walker over something really small. I try to make sure he has no stress at home by always making dinner ready, clearing up, making sure his clothes are ready for work etc, but i know he has a big report coming up at work, plus he is doing a distance learning masters degree and is in the middle of a module both of which are causing him worry.
I give him every opportunity to talk to me, and talk to him too, i have asked him to delay the modules for a while but he wont, have asked him what's the worst that can happen if his report isn't completed on time but don't get much reply. I have asked him to see the GP and explain how he feels but he wont. We are also in the middle of trying to sell our house and move (at his instigation).
I am seeing loads of warning signs nthat things are becoming a little too much for him, but just don't know what else to do to help. It's not really helped by the fact that returning to work this month is stressing me out a little too.
Any ideas?

[Eve]

Has he got any man mates who could invite him out for a pint or fishing/walking (if he would enjoy that) or football etc... Just give him some time out? Maybe a bloke to bloke approach may help.

I'm not talking about forgetting or anything like that, nothing of the sort but sometimes I find that getting out and noticing how much life there is out there can help me get out of my own head if things are overwhelming, just to get a bit of peace for a while.

As I don't drive, if I need some thinking time I often just get on a bus with my headphones and good music on and just ride around somewhere I don't usually go. Might sound wierd but it often works for me.

Have you got any books on grief and similar? If you had some and maybe left them in places, not too obvious, but where he might pick them up and have a look quietly in his own time? Maybe even leaflets with links to online advice and forums where he can share his thoughts in a more private way - often far less daunting if he isn't keen on talking or seeing a doctor.

Maybe having the knowledge there is somewhere he can go to find support if he needs it and vent or whatever he needs to do may help him in stressful situations.

Maybe a softly softly approach could help him in little ways.

[DTCwordfan]

A well written letter to him may work, especially if you have never used that tactic before - one that tackles the positives and your concerns - starting, "I love you so much, I have been through so much, you have been though so much, we have been through so much - and I don;t normally do this, but I have to put down some thoughts........"

There are some good points in all the threads though.

It does sound like a combo of stress and depression and not a good mix, especially if he is lashing out a little......needs nipping soonest before he gets himself into trouble.

[jomifl]

It may be just one thing that is the 'straw breaking the camel's back' such as the distance learning course, on the other hand that may be taking his mind off something more troublesome. We do get through these crises if we can hang on long enough, so if you can't get to the bottom of it then making life easier for him somehow may well buy enough time for him to get through it.

[cathfromsaron]

GP is the best starting post! and don't be put off!

as you know, grief affects everyone differently; physically and mentally! he appears to be cuccooned, which is one coping strategy of many!

if 'his' grief (not to minimise yours) is overwhelming him, then he MUST accept help! from screaming to silence, someone professional will understand him and guide you both towwards the light!

but assertiveness must first come you, and his friends and family ...

sending all my love x

[Carakeel]

Sending you hugs, bedknobs Love! I remember feeling totally lost when my son died and to be honest that feeling still comes back sometimes, even after more than 20 years. After my boy died, the Hospice Director said it was important that I get some counselling to get to grips with the various tragic events that had happened in my life. But, I had always fought my way back from these things and was determined to find a way though again, without outside help. So, she went and paid for several sessions out of her own pocket because she knew I wouldn't let her down by not going. I can tell you it was the best thing she could have done for me! I was totally wrong in my thinking that I could deal with this on my own! Hypnotherapy, roll play and talking through everything that had gone on made me understand and cope far better. Perhaps you could get your GP to recommend a good therapist and ask them how to go about getting your husband to see them. They shouldn't charge you for asking and it may be that the solution can be found this way. I wish you strength, courage, patience and every success. You have already been so courageous, you can get through this too! Hugs!

[bednobs]

thanks for all your advice xx

[KennethReynolds]

Hello,

I know this question was asked quite some time ago, but I do hope things went better since your post. I’m sorry about your loss.

One thing I’ve learned about men in general is that they don’t talk things out like women do. I’m not saying that they can’t, they just deal with things differently. They don’t seem bothered and then one day it’s like they explode. They tend to want to deal with things their way will rarely admit they might need some help because they want to be the helpers and the fixers, but never want others to think they don’t have their life under control.

I can say that one of the things I’ve learned in my marriage is to give my husband space and not smother him. There does eventually come a point where hash things out, but rather than force him to talk or listen, I think it’s best to give men their space. But, not too much.

If he’s experiencing a crisis (understandably so) maybe suggesting some temporary therapy (https://www.findatherapist.com/) to help him get through it and get a better understanding of things. I always tell my husband, in order for our marriage to work, he needs to get help when needed too and find his own peace with things. He’s not always open, but he tries a little sometimes and that’s enough for me because life can be hard and complicated and forcing someone to be in a place they are not ready to be in will definitely have adverse effects.

Good luck!

[AndrewFerris]

Hello,

I know this question was asked quite some time ago, but I do hope things went better since your post. I’m sorry about your loss.

One thing I’ve learned about men in general is that they don’t talk things out like women do. I’m not saying that they can’t, they just deal with things differently. They don’t seem bothered and then one day it’s like they explode. They tend to want to deal with things their way will rarely admit they might need some help because they want to be the helpers and the fixers, but never want others to think they don’t have their life under control.

I can say that one of the things I’ve learned in my marriage is to give my husband space and not smother him. There does eventually come a point where hash things out, but rather than force him to talk or listen, I think it’s best to give men their space. But, not too much.

If he’s experiencing a crisis (understandably so) maybe suggesting some temporary therapy (http://www.findatherapist.com/) to help him get through it and get a better understanding of things. I always tell my husband, in order for our marriage to work, he needs to get help when needed too and find his own peace with things. He’s not always open, but he tries a little sometimes and that’s enough for me because life can be hard and complicated and forcing someone to be in a place they are not ready to be in will definitely have adverse effects.

Good luck!