I paid a woman to pose as my girlfriend at a social gathering. On our way home I got a bit touchy and she pulled a gun on me. Who would have thought it, an armed escort. There are two things at life...
My Nan always carries a bowl in her handbag full of vodka, lemonade and fruit.
Woe betide anyone who tries to take it from her.
She doesn’t half pack a punch....
My partner asked me if I fancied some role play last night. Afterwards we juggled with baguettes. Yesterday I rode my bike twice, I guess that makes me a recycler. Last week my car broke down, so I...
A woman spent thirty five years working for NatWest bank. She was recently made redundant and hasn’t coped very well. She now spends her days outside the branch using the ATM over and over again....
I am currently stuck at an auction bidding for a house with a lengthy corridor. I am in it for the long hall. I pulled a hamstring earlier, cheese string was furious. I emailed my boss my annual sales...
A racehorse goes into a bar. The bouncer says, “You can’t come in here with those trainers.” I looked out my window this morning and saw a few flakes falling. I thought, “That guy in the flat...
I was going on a road trip with my two mates both called Tom. When I got into the car I said “I take it you know where we’re going?” I bought a new carpet cleaner which removes 99% of stains....
I have spent all day working on my car, it only had reverse gear, I still don’t know why. I am still no further forward. Does anyone know where Concentrate is? I’ve been drinking this lovely...
My brother is jealous that my handwriting is so much better than his, I think it is just scribbling rivalry. I am sure I saw the Hunchback of Notre Dame this morning. If it wasn’t him, it was a dead...
I have been having some trouble with my server today, he still refuses to bring me my slippers. The abominable snowman could easily have defeated the Loch Ness monster. Yeti didn’t. I went to the...
My partner is in a right mood because I have filled the bathroom in our new house with bonsai plants.
I don’t know what her problem is.
She said to “go out and get toilet trees”....
I wander what this cat has been doing for the last thirteen years. What a surprise for her owner.
https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/6966328/cat-returns-home-after-missing-for-13-years/...
Pat and Mick, came from Ireland to Liverpool, and their mother said before they left “If you get in one of them big black taxis only pay the fare on the meter.” When they arrived in Liverpool they...
I have just got home and found my wife waiting for me in just knee-high leather boots and a tiny g-string. Needless to say I’m going to be busy all afternoon, it will take me ages to retune my...
At the Council meeting last night, the Highways Department tried to get them to fit Average Speed Cameras all along the main road. The Council Leader stood up and said. “We will not fit average...
A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral. This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?" “Of course” she says. The man stands up and says "Plethora." The man’s wife says “Thank...
I went to a restaurant that served endangered species and ordered a Panda steak. The waiter asked, “How would you like that sir?” I said, “Rare.” I called the reception at the dentist to...
