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A German guy approaches a lady of the night. 'I vish to buy sex viz you.' 'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge 20 an hour.' '..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.' 'No problem,' she...
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1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Angelina...
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Back in the Falklands folks catch up soon...
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So we're In Edinburgh I a nice hotel full of Scots and South African rugby fans.... Carolyn wears her feckin England shirt to breakfast!!! Help fellow Scots abers.... What can I do to win the fight at...
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....weekend in Edinburgh for the Memsahib and I. Scotland v South Africa on Sunday and though we might get thumped it'll be great to see South Africa play again...... What's everyone else up to???...
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With proud thanksgiving, a mother for her children, England mourns for her dead across the sea. Flesh of her flesh they were, spirit of her spirit, Fallen in the cause of the free. Solemn the drums...
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Made it back folks, the weather relented enough, ( just mind) so we got out bang on time!! Stuck in Heathrow waiting for my flight back to Aberdeen catch up soon, I need sleep!!!
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Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be...
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Delia's Way Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice-cream drips . The Weegie Hoosewifes Way Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake....
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VASELINE A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you...
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Baby Polar bear says to his mum "Mum? Mum? am I really a polar bear?" Of course you are baby bear, you've got a big furry white coat and big white paws A minute goes past and baby bear says again...
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The angel Gabriel said to God What you working on today? God said I`m making a place called Scotland, It`s goin to have stunning mountains with fast flowing rivers full of beautifull brown trout, the...
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A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty...
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1. A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: 'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken 'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?' 'From my knickers tae ma feet....
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What do you call a penguin with an abacus ? Cold and calculating...
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It's the Spring of 1957 and BillyBob goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not...
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I had a trainspotter mate that was really depressed and suicidal, but he didn't have the guts to top himself. So we were out for a walk one day and I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was...
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Descartes - To be is to do. Voltaire - To do is to be. Frank Sinatra - Do be do be do....
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In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?" "Wait a...
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Sad but true. Lads, if you get hold of a kiwi fruit in one hand, one of your nadgers in the other and close your eyes....you can't tell the difference between them. I know, I've tried it. I'm now...

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