I've decided to make money writing dieting books.
I'm told they appeal to a very wide audience.
To gain weight, takeaway Pizza. To lose weight, take away Pizza.
I've nearly finished the pills the doctor gave me to stop me from being so greedy.
I want some more.
My mate bet me ten pounds I couldn't come up with a good Vegetarian joke.
I had a few, but gave him the money there and then.
They were all to Quorny.
I've just started at slimming world and it's brilliant, you're allowed 15 sins a day.
I've been doing gluttony and sloth today.
I got kicked out of fat fighters today.
Apparently it’s not the British equivalent to sumo wrestling!
I was out on my first date with someone from work and they asked "are you more of a cat or dog person"?
'As long as there's some tomato sauce I'll eat anything!' I replied.
Diets.
They're for people who are thick and tired of it.
Define irony?
Small doors at McDonald's.
Second day of my diet. I've lost seven pounds.
I'm gutted; I was going to buy a kebab with that.