Sunday Express Skeleton 24Th November...
Crosswords3 mins ago
It's Animal Time
Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter:
First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for a paper boy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.
Second woman: I know
First one: How?
Second one: My dog told me.
A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table.
This peaks his curiosity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog.
Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing.
However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player.
Finally the man could no longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, "I can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!"
The player smiled and said, "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
An American farmer's dog died suddenly after a long and happy life. Ben visited the parish priest to arrange a funeral.
Ben: I'd like to have a proper funeral for my dog, who died last night.
Priest: I'm sorry; we don't conduct funerals for pets. You can try the Christian church down the road - I think they perform dog funerals.
Ben: All right. But do you think $25,000 will be enough to cover their expenses for the service?
Priest: Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?
Some race horses are in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening.
"I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
A man was on a long walk in the country.
He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink.
The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.
There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention.
The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.
The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."
First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for a paper boy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.
Second woman: I know
First one: How?
Second one: My dog told me.
A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table.
This peaks his curiosity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog.
Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing.
However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player.
Finally the man could no longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, "I can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!"
The player smiled and said, "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
An American farmer's dog died suddenly after a long and happy life. Ben visited the parish priest to arrange a funeral.
Ben: I'd like to have a proper funeral for my dog, who died last night.
Priest: I'm sorry; we don't conduct funerals for pets. You can try the Christian church down the road - I think they perform dog funerals.
Ben: All right. But do you think $25,000 will be enough to cover their expenses for the service?
Priest: Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?
Some race horses are in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening.
"I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
A man was on a long walk in the country.
He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink.
The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.
There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention.
The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.
The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."
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